Make Thanksgiving A Lifestyle At Your House

I talk with people every week who are hurting because of their illness, relationship struggles, grief, finances or a host of other things. And I know those hurts are very real and are certainly understandable.

I do my best to help encourage them and give them practical suggestions on how to walk through their struggle, make necessary changes and heal from their pain. We often go beneath the surface to find unhealthy behaviors and thinking that may be adding to their challenges.

However, one of the common inhibitors of growth I see in them all and in myself from time to time is a lack of gratitude. They don't find anything to be thankful for. They've put on blinders so to speak and can't see how they might still be blessed in some ways in spite of their difficult times.

As a result they tend to walk down the path to more discouragement, bitterness and emotional paralysis. If they could only begin to think bigger than their own circumstances and in the middle of their moving forward stay thankful.

One way to assure that people remain thankful at your house is to make gratitude more of an attitude. How?

First, model it. When you pray, especially with others, include praise and thanks, not just requests. Talk about things you're thankful for at the dinner table, when you're having fun and even working.

Second, practice it. Have some sharing times with the kids where you all talk about something you're thankful for that day or week. Talk about the little things, perhaps things that everybody else wouldn't necessarily think of.

Third, teach it. Scripture is filled with passages that speak about the power and place of thanksgiving. I Thessalonians 5:17 says, "Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

I am confident that many of the people who come to see me in pain would find their journey made easier and heal more quickly when they focus more on being thankful. In fact, some of the greatest healing comes when hurting people start giving to others even through their pain. And they won't start investing in others if they remain bitter and angry rather than thankful.

So perhaps this Thanksgiving holiday could be the beginning of a new era of thanks in your home all year round. And perhaps you're the person to get it started. Happy Thanksgiving.

Don't Avoid All The Pain in Life . . . It Can Serve a Purpose

I recently endured two somewhat painful procedures. One was to remove some melanoma from my scalp. The second was to have a wisdom tooth extracted. While not equal to that of childbirth (though at times I wondered), each event resulted in some significant pain that I would have rather skipped, thank you.

However, both doctors involved reminded me right up front that to avoid this pain meant that I would likely incur far greater hurt, discomfort or, in the case of the melanoma, even death later on. And when my doctor uses the word fatal in one of our discussions I listen!

I know that at other times in life I've also wished I could have avoided all sorts of relational or emotional pain as well. Struggles with family, friends, coworkers, for example. Difficult situations with my children or a close acquaintance have all brought their share of pain.

And while there is nothing wrong with trying to lower our pain at times, like taking medication for a migraine, we need to sometimes embrace and accept some of our less controllable pain as potentially helpful and able to make us grow beyond where we might have gone without it. Why?

Pain helps us understand the pain of others better.  So often we're called on to be there for someone else and many times we really don't know what they're going through. As a result we say too much, do unhelpful things and trivialize their struggle.

Pain can teach us to receive help from others.  When my wife Jackie went through her cancer we received food, rides and many other gracious touches that we were almost embarrassed to need. But our weakness actually gave other people the opportunity to be blessed and to serve us. Our humility grew.

Pain can remind us that we often put too much worth on our comforts and easy lifestyles.  As a result we get inward-focused, we leave God and faith out of our life for the most part and miss seeing the needs of others around us.

So while I hope you can find some relief for your current challenges, I also encourage you to use these times for good - to open your eyes, give you new appreciation for what you have and to be a better friend and companion. Pain is inevitable, but misery is optional.  Tim Hansel

Sometimes We Need to Just Stop and Breathe Again

Being married and being a parent have at least one thing in common. They are often hard. Life with a spouse or a child or two can become overwhelming even in the best of circumstances.

And sometimes when we're struggling we make things worse because of our tenseness, anxiety and frustration.

I was recently getting some physical therapy for my neck and back. My therapist, while a very nice guy, was at times ruthless, inflicting what he deemed necessary pain to stretch my muscles and tear away some of the congestion under the skin which none of us could see.

However, he would often say when he could see me grimace or hear me moan, "Just keep breathing. Take nice big breaths. The oxygen is important right now." You see as things got tense I tended to hold my breath trying to just gut it out. And while apparently others do that, too, it wasn't helpful.

In the same way when life is a challenge we can tend to just gut it out, push through and even run over others to deal with the pain. We yell at our loved ones, we push harder to succeed and we take less time off to relax and reboot. And that usually results in someone getting hurt.

If your marriage or parenting or work is causing you to be tense all the time and hurt those close to you maybe you need to stop and catch your breath, keep breathing and even sigh.  How?

First, slow down. Be sure you have a break in your day. Turn off the phone, put your computer away and silence the TV. Take a few minutes and talk to your spouse or just sit alone and think.

Second, do something that gives you more perspective. Read a book, talk to a friend, get counseling or pray. You're probably tense because you're looking myopically at your situation and there is probably some good news and helpful advice out there somewhere.

Third, make a fundamental change in your schedule. What are you doing that someone else could do? What are you doing that you simply don't need to continue? Where can you build in some regular "breathing," relaxing and recharging.  What hobby would you love to do again that has gone by the wayside.

Remember, you won't be able to handle the pain unless you keep breathing.

Be Honest About Your Pain

This week I experienced my first ear infection in say twenty-five years. The inside of my ear would simply start throbbing and the pain was awful. But I knew that in a couple of days I was also going to get on an airplane and fly 11-12 hours overseas. Not a good time to have ear problems.

So I did the manly thing and downed a couple of margaritas.  No, I actually went to my doctor and he quickly diagnosed the situation and prescribed some medication. We all have pain at times and most of us don't try to play through it, especially the emotional kind. However, many of us attempt to dull or cover it instead of handle it in mature, healthy ways.

Some common painkillers?  Silence, addictions, blaming others, working harder, spending, becoming more religious, serving more at church, sex . . . .  The list is long.  Now don't get me wrong - trying to reduce our pain, whether it's a headache or from the loss of a loved one, is normal and understandable.  But we have to learn to seek out appropriate painkillers, not illicit ones.

And appropriate honesty is the best place to start especially in your home. When you're hurting because you lost your job, it's important to talk with your spouse about what's going on inside of the two of you as a result of your financial struggles. Instead people often go to one of two extremes.  They either don't talk about it or get so angry and irritated that they begin to hurt others they love or demand even more from them.

And if the two of you don't have much in your emotional tanks to help each other then go and get some outside help from a counselor, pastor or friend. But whatever you do don't just dull the hurt. And avoid the subtle painkillers like working harder or serving more. Working and serving are wonderful but not when they're just a way to avoid the real issues.

Like the prescription I received from my doctor, sometimes we need the healing words of God Himself and of others God has placed in our lives.  Don't face your pain alone. Proverbs 25:11 says, "A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver."  Let words of truth be spoken into your pain.  But you'll have to be honest about it!

Dealing With Pain In Healthy Ways

The older I get the more I realize I will have to live more pain than I used to endure. Exercise, playing with grandkids and sometimes just moving around during the day leave me achy much of the time. And thankfully we have products easily available to us that can help lessen those sore muscles and joints.

However, we often face different kinds of pain in our relationships, especially marriage. While we may think that our marriage was made in Heaven, we still hurt each other, sometimes on purpose, sometimes not. We also encounter the pain of not being the spouse we had hoped to be or having not overcome some personal struggle that still impacts our relationship.

It can be painful when we're not communicating well and we don't know quite what to do to fix things. It hurts when the demands of both being married and a parent overwhelm us and we have little time to enjoy marriage the way it "used to be."

So what do we do when life is hard and our relationship stings more than soothes? Unfortunately, many spouses try to dull their pain rather than deal with it. In fact, most addictions are some form of painkilling. Misusing alcohol, prescription drugs, illicit drugs and the like can all help dull pain. Affairs (see several recent posts) and sexual addictions can illegitimately serve to dull the hurts that come from a life that isn't working well.

The problem is that addictions like those above and many others are destructive not helpful. But when we're desperate we'll often risk everything, including our marriage and family, to get our "fix" and not hurt - at least for awhile.

Thankfully, there are better ways to deal with the pain that stems from a relationship that is less than we'd hoped. Let me suggest several. First, get some help. Sadly, many people think that counseling is only for messed up people. But if we have a physical problem most don't feel the same way and say, "I'm not going to the doctor. Physicians are only for messed up people." In the same way seek out someone to help you and/or your spouse to think through what might be causing the stress and angst in your relationship.

Second, learn to communicate better and then practice. I work with couples every week who have never learned to communicate in healthy ways. If you get counseling your pastor, counselor or therapist can help you with this. There are excellent books that can provide you with helpful tools as well. But by all means, don't keep drowning in a sea of hurt because you've never learned to use the life raft of intimate dialogue with your spouse.

Third, take your insecurities to God. He cares about you. He loves you. He wants you to make it. There's a little phrase in Psalms that I love in chapter 56, verse 9 that says, "By this I know that God is for me!" If you're one of His children, he is for you. What good dad wouldn't be for his kids? Are you hurting? There is help if you'll just get it from the right place!

Yes, life will always be painful at least some of the time. This isn't Heaven and never will be. But thankfully God has provided ways to deal with our hurts that honor both Him, those we love and even ourselves if we'll just follow his lead and seek His wisdom.

Handling Our Pain In Helpful Ways

Pain isn't fun, is it? Whether it's from a toothache, childbirth (what would I know?) or surgery, we and our doctors do our best to limit the pain we must endure. And there's nothing wrong with lowering or even getting rid of pain in many circumstances as long as we do it wisely and appropriately.

However, many people spend great amounts of time, energy and even money to dull other kinds of pain and they use unhelpful, inappropriate and even destructive ways at times to do it. And when we bring that painkilling to our marriage or parenting, the results begin to affect others as well as ourselves.

For example, some people have great amounts of emotional pain left over from their past. They may have been told they would never amount to much, that they were rejectable for some reason or that they weren't very talented. Some of us may have received those impressions from teachers, parents, bosses and friends who may have never even said those words but we knew what they meant.

As a result, we've spent much of our lives trying to anesthetize our hurt because it is too much, at least in our minds, to face every day. So some of us work harder, others get more degrees, many never let anyone down or must always be right. Others take more obviously destructive routes like abusing alcohol, using drugs, or being drawn to destructive short-term relationships.

Sadly, some of us bring our hurts and painkilling strategies into our homes. Jon's pain came from his parents always setting extremely high standards for him in school. If he got all A's except for one B, his parents were mad because of the B instead of being proud of his outstanding report card. So now as a husband and father, he still feels he has to perform. Criticism is unacceptable. He WILL be the best dad, the perfect husband and can never be wrong.

Why is he like that? It's possible that the pain of being unacceptable is still too risky and potentially damaging from his perspective to face. He never wants to have anyone look down on his efforts like his parents did even though he may never associate the two situations.

Jill has never thought she is pretty or attractive. The kids in school mercilessly called her names, made fun of how skinny she was, and laughed about her skin problems. Her parents weren't overtly critical but she knew they didn't think she was good-looking either because they never commented about her outfits or bragged on her looks.

So when Jill got married she was thrilled that someone seemed to like her enough to want to spend their life with her. But the thought of her husband possibly ever leaving her because of her looks kept her in a panic most of the time. They never talk about it but nonetheless Jill goes to the gym at least five days a week and spends a fortune on clothes whether she needs them or not. If she doesn't have at least ninety minutes to do her make-up and get dressed she becomes terrified to leave the house.

Why does she live that way? The pain of being unattractive and as a result rejected is too much for her to bear. Do you see the power of our personal painkilling? It can begin to run our lives, stymie intimacy in our marriage and taint our parenting. It is potentially paralyzing.

What's the answer? Well, it's easy and it's hard. The easy part is that we must learn that our worth is not found in what anyone says or does. It's only based on what God thinks. So often our identity becomes tied to our circumstances, accomplishments or what others think of us. But the Bible tells us that God loves us unconditionally, that Christ died for us as a result of His love. If we choose to follow Christ and become a child of God our worth and value will always be intact.

Instead of our mistakes or inadequacies now determining who we are, we can remind ourselves each day that we are a child of God, made in His image, a person of worth and purpose. Yes, we may happen to mess up from time to time or have a person not like us on a given day or have our kids not be perfect or have our spouse be more right than we are at the moment. In spite of it all, we still matter to God.

Unfortunately, the hard part is that we have often lived based on wrong thinking for a long time and we have to practice with God's help thinking in new ways. It's not always easy to change. Romans 12:2 reminds us that real change happens as we let God renew our minds. It's something we need to do every day.

What do you need to change about how you think about you? I encourage you to let God do some work on your mind throughout your waking hours. If so you will be free to be the best parent, spouse, friend and Christ follower you can be without all the pressure to be perfect or to gain your worth from what happens on a given day.

Yes, as Jesus said, "The truth will set you free."