One of The Best Habits We Ever Put In Our Marriage

Most couples over time develop certain habits whether they like it or not. Some are helpful and enriching to their marriage, others annoying and some even destructive. Often most of their habits aren't even planned, they just happen.

Jackie and I have had our share in the above lists but there is one that I am thankful we were very intentional about from the very beginning of our marriage until today. No, we've not done it perfectly and there have been periods where it pretty much vanished for a time but its importance and pull have always brought us back to it.

I am confident that it has enhanced our communication, intimacy, planning for the future and ability to simply rest and enjoy some Sabbath in our busy weeks.

Our habit? We've made extended, focused time for each other. We have committed to a day, morning, evening or a combination where we put aside our regular schedule, plan something fun, go out to eat perhaps along the way and explore new places together. We usually have some sort of goal but the time is not typically programmed and we can always change things up last minute.

Sometimes the weather alters our course or we're just too tired. That's okay. We have enough margin during that time to not get flustered because our original plan didn't work out. We don't always go somewhere either. Sometimes we stay home, read, relax and watch movies or television that we didn't get to see earlier.

We try not to let other outside influences steal our time away either. We limit phone calls (I'm a pastor so sometimes there are emergencies), online efforts, housework and errands. We try to make sure we have time to talk, leaving room for heavier issues but not limiting ourselves to that. We laugh a lot and talk about non-work, non-people things rather than ministry.

And there is something about having a day that we know is out there waiting for us that makes challenging times a bit more tolerable.  We know that a reprieve is coming so we can take a little more pressure for a time if need be. And even if our getaway time gets robbed because of events we can't control it is so ingrained in us we gravitate to it immediately the next week.

I fear that many, if not most couples, in this 21st century, have relegated time for each other to we'll-do-that-when-we-get-time or once-the-kids-are-grown or some other fantasy-laden hope that will never happen. It's not that you can't afford to take time for each other. You can't afford NOT to have it. You'll have to make it happen even if it means letting go of something else.

Marriages don't deteriorate for no reason. They fail because we don't give them time, priority and intentionality. So don't wait!  Start somewhere. Maybe you can't give a whole day yet. Then find a couple of hours or a morning for starters.  But write it on your calendar.  Let you kids know you are working more at being together. You'll be modeling something for them to take into their marriage.

I'm pretty sure it will be a habit you're glad you started.  Try it.

Teach Your Kids About Their "Selfie Image" - It Matters.

Ok, so selfies, those pictures people with smart phones take of themselves, are going to be the rage for a while. And of course, some of them are obnoxious while others are actually quite cool. Well, I've not taken one of those cool ones yet but I'm working on it.

But their popularity does beg the question, especially with our children, are they helping our kids gain a healthy view of themselves? I heard one sports commentator talking about child sports stars wisely say, "There is a difference between being self aware and self-absorbed." He is SO right.

If we're not careful we will continue to develop another generation (and they're not the first) of kids who are far more self-absorbed than self-aware. And it won't be just because of selfies.  Much of the problem will lie with us parents who continue to feed their egos without modeling an alternative perspective.

How?

First, we require that they be productive and successful all the time.They are in a sport or learning activity every season, always competing and pushed into winning much of the time. It would be nice if the many camps for kids were merely about expanding their experiences and opportunities but we know better. For most players, parents and coaches they want more activities so their kids will be better athletes or musicians or cheerleaders and so they will win more.

And we do much of it in the name of self-awareness when all we're doing is adding to their being self-absorbed.

Second, we often model the same tendencies ourselves. More and more parents are even quitting their jobs or at least altering their lifestyle and free time in major ways so they can run more marathons, become an American Ninja or get multiple martial arts belts. The not so sports minded ones get more degrees, ascend the ladder at work or decide to climb the world's tallest mountains.

And of course there is nothing wrong with having a big goal or two and going for it. But when it becomes an obsession, and for so many it is just that, we start to become as absorbed with us as our kids do and they notice.

Third, a lessening of our attention on the spiritual and emotional usually accompanies these obsessive tendencies. No, people don't typically reject their faith or become jerks (though a few do) but they just don't place as much important on the less obvious, the things that don't impress others outwardly as much. There usually isn't a radical change but rather a slow move away from the things that matter most to the things that are about us.

Fourth, we don't speak against the cultural affirmations of self-absorption. The selfie prophets are everywhere preaching that we're number one - in movies, on television, in grocery-store magazines and even school. And while we shouldn't be strident or obnoxious about it, we do need to have frank discussions with our kids about why giving ourselves away produces far more fulfillment than always being focused on us.

Yes, everyone needs to know that they are important and matter but the real truths about self-worth can't be found in stuff, accomplishments or accolades. That comes from the God who made us.

So, sure, enjoy a selfie now and then with your kids. Just be careful that you and your family don't get too much selfie confidence. 

Sometimes Our (Family's) Choices Are The Problem!

I decided to go outside and sweep my covered porch this morning but because of some light rain thought shoes might be a good idea. However, being too lazy to tie them, I just slipped them on.

But as I made my way down our lengthy porch to sweep I began to step on my shoelaces. And wouldn't you know it? Every time I moved I stepped on a lace, my body jerked and as a result I found myself irritated.

But what did I do?  I kept sweeping and kept getting mad.

Finally, I thought . . . You know, this isn't anyone's problem but yours, Gary. YOU decided not to tie your shoes, YOU were the one too lazy to tie them in the first place. If you're mad you have no one else to blame but YOU!

I wonder how many of us do the same thing with circumstances and challenges in our lives. We've made bad choices and yet we make everyone else miserable griping about what they are doing to us now.

I wonder how often we let our kids get away with the same thing never teaching them that they need to own what's going on because of decisions they have made. We perhaps use the word entitlement a bit too much these days but in this case we are entitling ourselves or our kids to avoid responsibility for our actions.

If we are going to be healthy and have healthy families then our homes need to be places where everyone has to take ownership for their choices, at least once they are old enough to do so.  We don't have to yell, berate or taunt to do it, however.

Sometimes we need to do nothing if we're dealing with a child. Just let them handle it. Or perhaps they need a little guidance on how to proceed but we don't fix it for them.

Other times we might need to apologize if we're the culprit. I am sorry that I'm making everyone else miserable over this. Or we might need to simply stop griping and irritating others because of our mistakes. We probably need to do something specific to deal with our issue (like tying our shoes) and move on.

We may even need outside help to recognize what it is we're doing that we could actually change.

The key is: don't let not working on things you could change keep you from being emotionally healthy. Sometime God even stays silent knowing that He's already told us what to do. We just need to do it!

What It Will Take To Keep A Resolution This Year

Of course this is the time of year when many people start make resolutions, turning over new leaves and hoping to finally win the battle to lose some pounds, start exercising, quit smoking, begin school or whever. And my hunch is that most of those people are pretty serious and sincere.

But so many of those hopes, dreams and goals simply never happen. Why? And what WILL it take for us to finally look back and realize we actually did accomplish something in the new year?

I think there are a couple of key ingredients for success. First, we need a crisis mentality. A good friend of mine just discovered that some cancer he had had removed has returned other places. While it was serious before it's a potential personal crisis now.

I know this. He doesn't need anyone's motivation, list of resolutions or accountability partner to fight this now with all of his being. If he doesn't the results will likely be disastrous. And yes we hope that many of our goals aren't that serious but we need to think more that way. For example, we might need to lose ten pounds or more.

What if we started thinking that if I don't lose this weight I could end up gaining more, becoming more unhealthy and perhaps not be able to enjoy my family the way I could if I got healthier? To not lose weight with this kind of thinking could be a crisis. That would probably motivate us a lot more than just a list.

More significantly, what if we thought about the consequences of not getting our finances together, working on a relationship or stopping a habit or practice that could destroy our marriage? That might get us going.

Second, we must have a plan. The old adage, you don't plan to fail you just fail to plan, fits here. Write down not only your big goal but the little goals you need to get there. Have someone doing it with you if possible. Make deadlines for when you will start, join a club or group, start classes, etc.

Ideally, have an accountability partner keeping tabs on you, too. Make sure they are ruthless. Plan to work and work the plan.

Third, we must get real. So many of our resolutions are just talk, way beyond our resources or ability and discourage us just thinking about them. So start at a realistic trailhead. Make sure you can accomplish the first few steps before you commit to the bigger ones. And if you can't really do this find something else! You don't have to climb Everest. There are other smaller mountains to climb first.

Fourth, anticipate and then enjoy your early successes. Dave Ramsey, financial expert, tells couples in large amounts of debt to first pay off the smallest amount. That way they get success and can apply those funds to the next smallest sum. We need to do the same no matter what our goal is. Get to the first plateau and celebrate it, encourage yourself and look forward to the next one.

Finally, remember that God wants you to grow, become more like Jesus and to be the person He intended. Invite Him into the process, ask Him for strength and wisdom along the way.Christ followers actually have God's power in them to do more than they could otherwise.  Use it.

If you'll tackle your resolutions wisely and with God's help they might just turn into a personal revolution!

Home Ain't Your House

My mom is moving this week from her home of fifty-eight years! Who lives that long anywhere anymore these days?  I know she, my sister and I all have lots of great and no-so-great memories of that place and we will until we die. I'm sure there will be some tears shed as we drive her out of the driveway for the last time.

But I've been reminded as we've done a good bit of cleaning out the last couple of years that our home was never really the bricks and mortal or lawn or the linoleum in the basement. That was merely a part of the "tent" of sorts for a family, a group of people who loved each other and helped each other to be who God intended them to be.

The day we sign the papers and it's officially gone will not be the end of our family. It will just mean that the last person in the family, my mom, has moved out.

I wonder how many of us, if we're honest, put a lot more stock in the buildings we live in than we should. We often spend an exorbitant amount to buy our house, then spend thousands more each year to keep it up or improve it. Now don't get me wrong, there's nothing immoral about a house. We're blessed to have so many in this country, something different from so many other countries.

But we do need to be careful that we care more about hanging on to our family than our actual house.

How do we keep it all in perspective?  Well there's no magic way but consider trying a few of these things:

Think about downsizing or at least throwing a lot away.  Do you really have too much?  Could some of it be given away or could the money be better spent elsewhere?

Be intentional about doing more with less. Don't buy as many of everyday things, settle for only one of most things, make things do a little longer and let them wear out. You won't get as attached to all of that stuff.

Share your house more. Let it become other people's home, too, in a sense through sharing it often.  When's the last time you had people over on a regular basis?  Is there someone in need who would love a place to hang out a bit more often with some really great people?

Dedicate your home again to the Lord. Tell him you remember that it was never yours in the first place.  Have your pastor or small group or other friend come and pray over it with you and write down the date.

Because you see one of these days you will have to leave.  Maybe not fifty-eight years from now, but you will leave. Remembering it's not yours will help you let it go.

Be Careful: Your Obedience Can Become Obsession

I don't typically write "theological" or Christian walk posts on this blog because my purpose is to focus on very practical ideas that will help marriages and families. However, I feel compelled to write one that I'm confident will impact at least the spiritual training and modeling we do for our children.

I've noticed over the years that many well-meaning people turn their Christ-following (or at least that is what they would term it) into a kind of legalistic, this-is-how-you-do-it way of life and set of personal practices.

For example, there are people who are devoted students of the Bible who attend Bible studies and the pages of their Scriptures are filled with notes and underlining. However, they think that every teaching or preaching of the Word must then be verse by verse and dig deeply into the Greek or Hebrew or it's not good teachng.  They snub their noses at those who attend those easy studies and groups.

They can probably tell you the outlines to the books of Romans and Ephesians. The problem is their marriages are often shallow or falling apart and their kids are a mess. They spend little time applying the Scriptures to life. They just obsess about how many details they know and can spout off about them.

Others obsess about their personal spiritual habits - how much they fast, how often they attend church, their prayer time or how much they give. All those are wonderful and potentially lifechanging spiritual practices but we're told often in Scripture that the goal of any of our habits and obedience must be that Christ increase and we decrease, that God be glorified in us.

Even the more current phrases like being missional or spiritual formation can become someone's book theme that now tells us just the way those words should be lived out in a home, community or church. The message seems to be . . . you know, our church has finally figured out how to do this thing called being a Christian and the rest of you are probably doing it wrong.

Of course, we ought to learn from the wisdom and experiences of others. And many times people who have gone before us do have ideas, concepts and other insights that can help us or our family grow. But be careful that what was supposed to be simple obedience to Christ in us or others doesn't turn into simply another form of works that God clearly told us would never get us to God or ultimately please Him if it was only for our own benefit. There is a better way. Just follow Jesus.

Some Sensible Lessons To Learn During Tragedy

We're all still reeling, aren't we, from the horrific shooting of innocent children and adults this week in Connecticut.  And naturally all sorts of questions are already being asked about the shooter, his motives and of course why could this have happened in the first place.  And for now we must wait for those with the greatest expertise and most knowledge to come up with those answers and not suggest our own trite or uninformed responses as tempting as that might be.

But I think there are some things we must re-visit and hopefully continue to learn from as we walk through these unexplainable events that seem to be plaguing our country and world more of late. Let me suggest a few.

First, evil is real and something more than the occurrence of bad things or the actions of bad people. While some things can be explained by mental illness, events of the past or a terrible upbringing, not everyone who experiences those things goes out and kills the innocent. Evil takes these humans to another level that goes beyond any sense of decency, normalcy or compassion for others. Evil comes from a source beyond our world, from Satan himself, whose ultimate goal is to devour, kill and destroy.

If there is no God and no Satan, then the actions of these deviant ones are merely genetic and the bad results of evolution. Our grief and sense of loss are the same. It's all just chemistry. But who wants to make that argument today?  Does it make any sense?  Not really.

It's why faith involvement, training and relationship is still essential to us and our culture. Yes, we want to be a country where all views are respected, but we must never allow expressions of faith and the use of faith principles to be completely removed from our classrooms, public squares and discussions in general.

Second, death for many has become unreal or fantasy. No, I'm not going to suggest that we should remove all violent video games or that video games directly cause these tragedies, but parents ought to quit letting their kids and teens keep playing them indiscriminantly. They have turned killing into a game where the people get back up again to play again.  But Hollywood and other media should also be challenged to quit making the death of someone easy without remorse or consequence in their programs and films.

We must change our culture back to a society of life, good and hope from one of easy death and destruction.

Third, we must remember that God is still in charge.  The question that is surely being asked over and over is, "Why would God allow this to happen?"  And none of us has the whole answer to that but we can certainly know part of the truth on it. God gave mankind a choice as to whether we would follow Him or not. He never planned on making us into robots.

As a result, many people choose to embrace their own way, their own choices and ultimately Satan's evil desires over God's. And when those choices get carried to their logical end, very bad things happen. Does God ever intervene?  Of course. Probably more than we know. He has certain results in mind that we won't ever understand in this life.  He does miracles all the time. Sometimes we see them, sometimes not.

But God wasn't looking the other way. I'm sure He's more sad than we are. And I'm confident He will still do something good with all of this. He always does.

The Myth of Having the Smartest Kids

Have you heard that the Baby Einstein products really don't help kids much? Yep, recent research shows that much of what they claim to do really doesn't happen and in fact can even hinder intellectual growth.

And to think that we might not have the advantages we thought we would have over other parents and their children?

Well, relax. It's probably not that big of a deal. Yes, we should do what we can to help our kids have a healthy learning environment, learn under qualified and able teachers and develop study skills that will assist them in getting the most out of their education

But perhaps this recent research is a good reminder that much of a child's learning comes from more foundational experiences than Baby Einstein, Sesame Street and preschool gymnastics. Let me suggest a few.

First of all read to and with your children. Healthy minds are still stirred and developed through creative imagination, regular practice and caring relationships. Too many parents these days have given over the pleasure and specialness of having time with their children exploring the world through books, pictures and stories.

Second, give them opportunities to play. Play is another arena where children have opportunities to creatively stretch their minds, think logically and solve problems. Just watching a video or TV program that does all that for them defeats the purpose and often steals learning from them.

Third, expose them often to the outdoors. Go hiking, exploring and even exercising outside where they can see the beauty of what God has made and the wonders of creation.  Take vacations where you stop and soak in an incredible mountain view, golden forest or powerful waterfall.

Teaching a child is a glorious experience, one that we dare not only relegate to games, videos and dolls. In fact, it's possible that we may be wasting our money in the stores and would do better to spend it doing more things together. Maybe Baby Einstein isn't so smart after all.

How To Make Your Marriage Last - Part 1

My wife Jackie and I just returned from a twelve -day thirty-fifth anniversary trip to Alaska.  No, we don't do big trips like that very often but certain special anniversaries have encouraged us to try something a little grander now and then.

How do you have a marriage that lasts thirty-five years or more?  I met a couple the other day who'd been married sixty years!  I felt like a marital youngster at that point.  But I too had to ask myself how will we make it another 25 years if we live that long?  I'm not totally sure.  There aren't any simple recipes, I know that. Everyone's life experiences, personalities and families will bring different dynamics to a marriage.

All I've got to offer are a couple of observations, perhaps even significant enough to be principles, that will at least increase your chances to have a marriage that lasts till death do you part.  Since there are quite a few I'll do some this time and add a few more in my next post.  Here we go:

First, renew your commitment to each other by your actions every day.  Living out a marriage happens one decision, one choice, one action and one experience at a time. Yes, at the altar we make a public commitment but we make private ones daily and those are what keep us going. Choose to love, to act responsibly, to give to the other person over and over. Even in the middle of conflict we can respond in ways that are healthy, positive and godly choices. They're not always easy responses but they must be the fuel for our ongoing commitment.

Which leads me to number two: deal with conflict and deal with it well.  We joke all the time that we've been married thirty-five years (or whatever number it is at the moment) and they've been thirty-two of the happiest years of our lives.  Hmm . . . that means there are three years or so that weren't happy.  Yep, that's probably true  . . . the rough moments came one hour or day at a time.

And maybe the number is more or less for you but there will be conflict and unhappy days. How do you handle it well?  Learn to communicate in healthy ways.  And if you don't know how get some help. Read books or go to some of my earlier blogs on communication. Get counseling.  Don't settle for excuses like, "That's just the way I am, " or "My parents fought this way all the time and it worked out for them."  If your conflict resolution is destructive or at best harmful, fix it.

Also admit it when you're wrong. No one is right all the time and no one needs to be right all the time. Tell the truth, admit your weaknesses . . .it's part of being intimate with the other person.  And learn to listen, understand and be patient.  You must be relentless about getting into the soul of the other person.

A third principle is: make time together a high priority no matter what stage of life you're in. We can argue that having kids or a challenging job or greater family responsibilities won't afford us the time. You can't afford NOT to take the time to be together. Of course it will vary and change depending upon your family circumstances but if you want your marriage to last you cannot let time with each other slide.

Have lunches, do things you both enjoy, find a hobby, talk and take big vacations now and then.  If we don't invest in our marriages we won't see a positive return down the road.  I hope you'll have some twenty-five, thirty-five and longer celebrations of your own.

Marriage Energizers: Some of the Fun Is In The Planning

We've all had the experience of picking up our camera, looking at our watch or grabbing a needed flashlight during a blackout only to discover that the batteries were gone or failing, right?  And then we usually discover that we don't actually have a replacement anyway. Irritating to say the least.

In the same way married people can have their emotional, physical and spiritual batteries worn down as well and periodically we need to recharge them.  How?  By doing things together that allow us and our spouse to spend time together, relax, think about things out of the ordinary and slow down.

The specific activities will of course depend upon the couple so let me simply offer a few basic helps and guidelines.  First, find some things you can do together and places you can go on a fairly regular basis. We like to hike so we've found several books that show us trail options all around central Texas where we live. We read up on the possibilities and then talk about which ones might work best on a given day off.  We generally take a day off every week but the important thing is that we do something like this together on a frequent basis.

When the weather is too hot or too cold, we find other options but we still do something.  And half the fun is in the planning!

Second, dream about and start working on a bigger getaway at least once or twice a year.  Bigger might be just a weekend or it could be a longer vacation.  Bigger might involve going far away or just close to home.  Nonetheless, let it be something that you wouldn't just do on a whim. Make it a next tier event that offers a little more time together and a little more commitment. And remember, half the fun is in the planning.

Third, build some milestone events into your marriage.  Yes, special anniversaries can provide a great incentive but you decide what works for you. And when it comes to planning these are the most fun of all. You can start looking online, at brochures or talking to people about ideas months, even years in advance.  The two of you will actually find that anticipating the trip is really exciting and it gives you something special to look forward to even while you're facing the challenges of every day.

We've been planning a special anniversary trip to Alaska and we're just months away from leaving.  We can't wait but even now we watch specials on TV about Alaska, bought new boots and are trying to figure out what clothes we need for the cruise part. The trip will be great but planning has truly been half the fun.  It's these kinds of energy building events in our marriage that help keep us filled up, connected and able to face the bigger challenges when they come.

How are your marriage batteries?  Don't wake up one day to find out that all of a sudden there's not much charge left. Get your battery chargers out . . . because . . . half the fun is . . . . Well, you know.

When We Just Try To Stop the Pain

Some of you remember the excruciating pain of childbirth. I sure do. My wife had a lot of it. I'm a wimp and if birthing the children were up to me . . . well . . . you see my point. Pain isn't fun.  And there are appropriate ways and times to try to reduce or get rid of it. And if you have a bad headache or backache there's nothing wrong or un-Christian about taking or doing something to soothe the hurt.

However, when it comes to emotional pain we can easily get into trouble if we're not wise. It's painful to feel like we're not measuring up as a parent or spouse. It hurts to be out of work and become burdened with the sense that we're not providing.  Our heart can ache while we wonder if our marriage will ever be what we thought it would be.

But what do a lot of us do when the pain becomes too much?  We try to dull it rather than deal with the source. Some people start to drink more. Others work harder. Many who are married get drawn into an affair because that relationship feels better than the one at home.  A few even get more religious or spiritual for all the wrong reasons. We wrongly think that phony Christianity can also help us feel better. And it might - for awhile.

I have a theorem that I'm pretty sure is true: When life is out of control in one area, we often try to over-control another.  Control can also serve as a way to feel a little better about life even if it's only for a time. We lost our job so we try to control more things at home. Our kids are a mess so we become more controlling at church or work. We usually don't realize we do it but misguided control can happen under the radar much of the time.

So when we're hurting what should we do?  First, learn to accept that pain is part of life and doesn't mean that we're a failure. Author Tim Hansel wisely wrote . . .  Pain is inevitable, misery is optional.  He was so right. We can accept our pain and deal with it appropriately or we can live in misery trying to stop the hurt for little periods of time but never winning.

Second, face the source of your pain. If you lost your job and are struggling financially, then be sad about your loss but take healthy appropriate steps to keep going, find work and meet your needs the best you can.  If you marriage is hurting go gets some help and admit your part of the problem.  Learn to communicate and love better but don't think that finding someone else is the answer.  It isn't.

Third, let pain teach you more about trusting God.  God never promised that He would remove all our pain. Sometimes He does but other times He does not.  The Book of John in the New Testament says that we can ask and it will be given to us if it brings us joy, bears fruit in us and gives God the most glory.  But sometimes we will get more ultimate joy, see more fruit in our lives and give God more praise by going through something not around it.

Fourth, admit the things you've been doing to inappropriately deal with your pain and stop them now.  Control things less, quit an unhealthy relationship or commit to giving up an addictive behavior.

There really is a better way even when you're hurting.  Keep climbing.  The view from the top is worth it!