Risk and Change: You Can't Grow Without Them

I'm leaving my current job. We'll move eleven hundred miles or so in five or six weeks to another town and new ministry. We'll have to develope new relationships, find different doctors, dentists and hairstylists and make a different house a home.

Sure, we've done this before but not often. It would be so much easier to stay in a place we like with people we know well and where we were pretty comfortable all around. Because you see this step in our life will require more risk and change. And for some people risk and change are typically avoided.

And to be honest we aren't going to like all of it but we've learned it's necessary and actually helpful. You won't grow if you won't risk anything. You won't mature and get stronger if you're unwilling to change. And as a Christ follower you don't get to depend on God as much and see Him at His best and greatest.

Of course, there can be too much risk or too much change.  Too much risk is usually disguised foolishness. Too much change generally leads to unhealthy chaos often hurting relationships in major ways.

But staying put all the time, never risking the new and scary makes for a like with little real excitement and fulfillment.

How to know you might be holding back from change and risk and not growing as a result?

Examine your life. Have you been in the same house, job, hobbies and habits for decades? Have you been confronted with opportunities to do something different or live somewhere else and you've turned each one down without a grain of thought?

Are you feeling rather bored and unfulfilled?  Sameness has a way of producing boredom.  Never trying anything new can lead to wonder about your purposes here.

Let me suggest a place to start.  First, if you're married, get away with your spouse and simply talk about your bucket list, things you've always wanted to do but never have. That will likely lead to some first steps, fun ideas or even radicaly, potential changes that are very doable and exciting.

Second, pray. Ask God to help you consider some new work, ministry, serving opportunity that would stretch you. There might be things right in front of you in your church or community that would light your personal fire and give you an opportunity to trust God through some risk-taking and change. Seek forgiveness, too, for just staying put so long and living for comfort rather than commitment to Him.

Third, do one thing to get out of your comfort zone. Don't rest until you've started that new thing.  Do some research, begin planning and talking to people about your ideas.  And if you're a parent get your kids involved. Let them learn with you about trusting God, trying new things and not living the way everyone else lives.

Think about the many special things we enjoy in our society that we would never have if someone wasn't willing to take a risk and change. Chances are you're missing out on some of your home in your home and life. Get going now.

Some New Year Challenges For Your Marriage

I don't know what your specific marriage needs but after several decades of counseling and being married I have a pretty good idea what every marriage needs. Like a great golf swing, recipe or piano sonata, doing anything well always require certain foundational skills and ingredients.

Individuality must be layered over a strong foundation.

So here are a few of those less-talked-about marriage components that you might consider for work on during your new year. And no matter how well any of us are doing we can all improve. In fact continually working on our relationship is what will keep us going for a lifetime.

First, improve the little things that can end up big things. For example, speak more kindly in the every day moments. If you have a habit of speaking abruptly or without much feeling, work on getting a little softer and adding some understanding and emotion.

Give compliments more often, help out where you normally would not and surprise your spouse with some kindness. Commit to pray for the other every day even if you don't talk about it. Small changes now can make for huge differences years from now.

Second, make more time for each other. Plan (together) some time away and add some regular down time for just the two of  you. You may have to leave some things out but who cares?  They're probably not that important. If  you have kids it will be important that they too see you make each other a priority. As I've said in other posts, the number one cause of marital discord is when couples quit acting like friends.

And husbands be sure you join in on the planning.  Letting your wife put together a trip and you just going along for the ride misses out on the intimacy occurs when you work in tandem.

Third, get out of debt. This topic requires whole posts and even books full of discussion but the concept is simple. Too many couples today are swimming in loans and payments that steal from their marriage and home. Start the process of downsizing, limiting your expenditures and saving. Read a book or two by Dave Ramsey or Ron Blue for specific help.

Start somewhere to save, give to God and to invest for your future. 

Fourth, reach a new height or two in your faith. Don't just let your faith become a routine. Stimulate your relationship with God through a mission trip, new Bible study, personal growth plan, accountability partner or other service opportunity. Following Christ is also about growing, changing and becoming. It won't happen by itself.

Don't let this new year just slip away and be another year in your relationship. Start today making it the best year so far doing it one step at a time.

What It Will Take To Keep A Resolution This Year

Of course this is the time of year when many people start make resolutions, turning over new leaves and hoping to finally win the battle to lose some pounds, start exercising, quit smoking, begin school or whever. And my hunch is that most of those people are pretty serious and sincere.

But so many of those hopes, dreams and goals simply never happen. Why? And what WILL it take for us to finally look back and realize we actually did accomplish something in the new year?

I think there are a couple of key ingredients for success. First, we need a crisis mentality. A good friend of mine just discovered that some cancer he had had removed has returned other places. While it was serious before it's a potential personal crisis now.

I know this. He doesn't need anyone's motivation, list of resolutions or accountability partner to fight this now with all of his being. If he doesn't the results will likely be disastrous. And yes we hope that many of our goals aren't that serious but we need to think more that way. For example, we might need to lose ten pounds or more.

What if we started thinking that if I don't lose this weight I could end up gaining more, becoming more unhealthy and perhaps not be able to enjoy my family the way I could if I got healthier? To not lose weight with this kind of thinking could be a crisis. That would probably motivate us a lot more than just a list.

More significantly, what if we thought about the consequences of not getting our finances together, working on a relationship or stopping a habit or practice that could destroy our marriage? That might get us going.

Second, we must have a plan. The old adage, you don't plan to fail you just fail to plan, fits here. Write down not only your big goal but the little goals you need to get there. Have someone doing it with you if possible. Make deadlines for when you will start, join a club or group, start classes, etc.

Ideally, have an accountability partner keeping tabs on you, too. Make sure they are ruthless. Plan to work and work the plan.

Third, we must get real. So many of our resolutions are just talk, way beyond our resources or ability and discourage us just thinking about them. So start at a realistic trailhead. Make sure you can accomplish the first few steps before you commit to the bigger ones. And if you can't really do this find something else! You don't have to climb Everest. There are other smaller mountains to climb first.

Fourth, anticipate and then enjoy your early successes. Dave Ramsey, financial expert, tells couples in large amounts of debt to first pay off the smallest amount. That way they get success and can apply those funds to the next smallest sum. We need to do the same no matter what our goal is. Get to the first plateau and celebrate it, encourage yourself and look forward to the next one.

Finally, remember that God wants you to grow, become more like Jesus and to be the person He intended. Invite Him into the process, ask Him for strength and wisdom along the way.Christ followers actually have God's power in them to do more than they could otherwise.  Use it.

If you'll tackle your resolutions wisely and with God's help they might just turn into a personal revolution!

Home Ain't Your House

My mom is moving this week from her home of fifty-eight years! Who lives that long anywhere anymore these days?  I know she, my sister and I all have lots of great and no-so-great memories of that place and we will until we die. I'm sure there will be some tears shed as we drive her out of the driveway for the last time.

But I've been reminded as we've done a good bit of cleaning out the last couple of years that our home was never really the bricks and mortal or lawn or the linoleum in the basement. That was merely a part of the "tent" of sorts for a family, a group of people who loved each other and helped each other to be who God intended them to be.

The day we sign the papers and it's officially gone will not be the end of our family. It will just mean that the last person in the family, my mom, has moved out.

I wonder how many of us, if we're honest, put a lot more stock in the buildings we live in than we should. We often spend an exorbitant amount to buy our house, then spend thousands more each year to keep it up or improve it. Now don't get me wrong, there's nothing immoral about a house. We're blessed to have so many in this country, something different from so many other countries.

But we do need to be careful that we care more about hanging on to our family than our actual house.

How do we keep it all in perspective?  Well there's no magic way but consider trying a few of these things:

Think about downsizing or at least throwing a lot away.  Do you really have too much?  Could some of it be given away or could the money be better spent elsewhere?

Be intentional about doing more with less. Don't buy as many of everyday things, settle for only one of most things, make things do a little longer and let them wear out. You won't get as attached to all of that stuff.

Share your house more. Let it become other people's home, too, in a sense through sharing it often.  When's the last time you had people over on a regular basis?  Is there someone in need who would love a place to hang out a bit more often with some really great people?

Dedicate your home again to the Lord. Tell him you remember that it was never yours in the first place.  Have your pastor or small group or other friend come and pray over it with you and write down the date.

Because you see one of these days you will have to leave.  Maybe not fifty-eight years from now, but you will leave. Remembering it's not yours will help you let it go.

New Year's: But Not The Same Old, Same Old

So how many New Year's mornings is this for you?  Twenty, thirty, forty or more?  Lots of parties, gatherings with friends, celebrations, fireworks, good food and drink the night before and a nice, quiet start to the year afterwards, right?
Good for you. However, how many times, during the weeks to follow, would you say there was some significant change in your life? How many of those resolutions you made really took root and flowered in you?

My hunch is there weren't that many. And while there's nothing magical about starting something new in January perhaps it's worth thinking about why we don't move forward and the dangers of just staying put.

I think one of the biggest problems is not that we don't take some great leap ahead, but that we never get started. But think of it like climbing a mountain. If you just look at the summit, the biggest part of the goal, you'll never get anywhere. That's what a lot of people do with New Year's resolutions. They decide to finally lose sixty pounds but never take the first step toward shedding three.

They determine to finally look for a job that they love or feel called to and then never send out one resume. The summit is just too daunting.

So, the answer?  Start with just ONE fundamental change that you plan to stick with for three months. If you're going to start working out, make that change something like walking for a half - hour five days a week always at the same time. Do it religiously. Don't let anyone stop you if possible. At least have it become such a habit that if you miss a day, you will go right back to it.

If you plan to slow down your life and spend more time with your wife and kids, start putting that afternoon or evening in your week that you are going to commit to be home. Get it on your calendar and hold to it. It's a small change but it's a fundamental one and will start to etch a new way of living and thinking into your lifestyle.

Do it for three months without adding or subtracting anything. Then evaluate and starting raising your goals and objectives to a higher level. Before long your habit will have become a lifestyle and bigger gains will come more quickly.

And come next year, you'll look back and say, "Yes, resolutions can be more than just talk. And I really did make it to the summit."

How To Avoid Letting Tradition and the Past Paralyze You

This past weekend my wife and I stayed in a hotel overlooking Reliant Stadium in Houston where their pro football team plays and other large stadium events are held. The arena is a beautiful facility, modern and impressive especially at first glance.

However, right next to it stands a large, greyish, starkly naked building that looks like it was once something but clearly no longer has any usefulness. I eventually found out that it's the once famous Astrodome, the first building of its kind built decades ago.

I couldn't believe it is still around. I actually had a tour of it with my wife and small son in the early 80's. It was unique, brand new and something we'd certainly never seen the likes of before. But it's none of those things now.  Its presence alone is stealing from the attractiveness of the new stadium.

I thought they must have torn it down at least once they built the current stadiums. It turns out there are some people, a council, historians or someone who has influence who don't want to get rid of it just yet.

I found myself thinking that's the way a lot of families, churches, neighborhoods and other organizations are. The leaders and people in general are more committed to their memories of the past than doing something to change the future. They long for the good old days and so they hang on to habits, traditions, ways of doing things and vision that are really hurting themselves and those around them, often causing an organizational or familial paralysis.

Is your family, church or other group still hanging on to their version of the Astrodome just because you or they don't want to let go of a memory?  If you're honest, has it hamstrung your growth and change?

If so, think about doing a couple of things where you have influence. First, keep celebrating the goodness and good people of the past. It's uplifting to now and then look at old pictures, tell great stories of bygone days and honor those whose efforts have helped you be what you are today. Tradition isn't a bad thing unless it becomes the only thing or the major motivation behind what we do today.

Second, take time to grieve or at least be sad about situations, people or things in the past that you don't enjoy in the same way. Thinking honestly about those items will help you both emotionally begin to let go and start to free you over time to move on even though it's hard. Keep some appropriate momentos of the past but limit them and don't let them run your life any more.

Third, tear down, put away or throw away those Astrodomes in your world. In a family, those might involve traditions that you just don't need to keep up any more or being involved in an activity that has outworn its purpose. Many church leaders need to finally get rid of a traditional service, add a new style of service or change other things in a major way.

Fourth, celebrate the newness and change in your life, family or church. I'm confident that healthy, God-directed change will bring new life into you and those around you just like a new stadium, house or town hall does for a city. Start somewhere, be honest, but don't stay paralyzed.

Getting Your Family Out of "Orbit"

I have always loved following the space program. From the time I was in 6th grade or so watching the first launches into space to seeing Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin land on the moon to more recent shuttle flights, I can't take my eyes off our forays beyond earth's atmosphere. If I could go on a space shuttle flight I would be willing to leave in the morning.

However, one thing I've noticed about space flight is that when the shuttle gets into an orbit it stays there unless some sort of new and extra energy or power is introduced. In most cases some sort of rocket must be fired or that vehicle will just continue to go around the earth. Unfortunately that picture describes many marriages and families.

They have hopes and dreams that things will improve but the inertia of their orbit keeps them doing the same things over and over again. Sadly, some people don't know how to change, while others don't have the time to change. Many are afraid of change where some really don't want to change because all they know and are "comfortable" with is the way things are now.

Nonetheless, there are many orbits or patterns that are potentially harmful, destructive or at best not wise.

During the space program's moon flights I remember hearing about (you couldn't really see this part in those days) the spacecraft having to make a mid-course correction part way to the moon. It meant that they would quietly fire a small rocket that would adjust their direction ever so slightly. However, that small change would make a huge difference when they got to the moon.

Most marriages and families also need some mid-course corrections to help them to land in a better place. So in the next few posts I want to provide some practical suggestions to help you and your spouse or family get out of unhelpful and ultimately harmful orbits.

Psalm 78 reminds us that we as adults have the potential and ability with God's help to change the orbit so to speak of our relationship or family. No matter what we brought from our past to our current situation God can help us overcome it and provide a new direction in our homes.

"He decreed statutes . . . so the next generation would know them, even the children yet to be born, and they in turn would tell their children. Then they would put their trust in God and would not forget his deeds but would keep his commands. They would not be like their forefathers . . . ." (Italics mine) vv. 6-8.

Here's some good news for today. Whether you're facing the orbit of busyness or abuse or addictions or anger or financial messes or lack of communication you can change. God is a God of new creation, second chances and changed lives.

Would you take some time to simply identify the unhelpful, unhealthy orbits of your life or your family's life? And would you first before God commit to change, commit to adding some new power and strength to your home and to do the hard work to go in a new direction?

God wants to free you to fly in new directions. And I'll try to provide some practical helps in the next few posts as well to get you on your way. Ignition . . . start!

Breaking the Harmful Cycles From Your Past - part 1

I celebrated my birthday recently! And no I'm not telling you my age. Most people think I still look quite young, however. Unfortunately most of those people also have 20/600 vision. Nonetheless I'm truly thankful for the years God has given me and for a generally healthy and normal family in which to grow and thrive.

However, we all have things in our past and present that we would like to change, right? There are no perfect families and many of us have faced some pretty awful circumstances or been treated poorly by dysfunctional and hurtful people.

The good news is that the cycles of hurt, pain, shame and inappropriate relating you perhaps experienced do not need to continue. In fact, you can and must change them for the generations to come. Sadly, many families stay in generational orbits, meaning that how they related and functioned in the past continue un-phased into the present . However, like the space shuttle when it returns to earth, we must add some new power or energy from somewhere to get us out of orbit or nothing will really change.

That implies that we will have to start acting and functioning in our homes in strategically new ways. We must learn how to act fundamentally different with our spouse and/or our children so that harmful attitudes and actions from the past are not replicated in our situation. At the same time we must intentionally pass on those things that are important, the spiritual and moral truths that we do not want our children to lose or the healthier ways of acting and relating that we know are best.

Psalm 78 wisely challenges with these insights. . . . "We will tell the next generation the praiseworthy deeds of the Lord, his power and the wonders he has done . . . . So the next generation would know them, even the children yet to be born, and they in turn would tell their children . . . (and) they would not be like their forefathers."

So where do we start? I would first suggest making a list of the most important truths, habits and attitudes that you want your family to embrace and exhibit. You may think these would be obvious but chances are they are not necessarily on your radar or at best you've not been very intentional about developing some of them in your home. Then take inventory and ask yourself and/or your spouse how you are doing. Prioritize your goals and determine which ones you'll work on first and with the greatest passion.

Next, start considering what moving toward those goals would look like. What would need to change if certain things were going to be emphasized and practiced more in your home? What needs to be stopped? What can be worked on? What have other families done to teach or heat up certain values in their home. Learn from others. Ask around. Read.

Of course, you can't protect your family from every negative influence but you can make those influences less impacting by highlighting the positives and healthy ways of living every day in your home. Sometimes we may need to lessen or even quit our involvement with certain people in our families who continue to be negative and hurtful models. That's something you will have to decide while getting wise counsel from others.

But please do not be casual about this. Don't assume that your church, school or youth group will teach these important truths for you. And don't expect that things will be different just because. As the well-used time management adage suggests, We don't plan to fail, we just fail to plan. As I mentioned earlier real change, change so that the past doesn't repeat itself, will require intentional and planned energy and effort.

So next, start somewhere. Pick your most important goal and do something to move you and your family in that direction. Take small steps but don't be paralyzed. If for example you want to start seeing more positive affirmation and encouragement in your home then begin by doing that yourself.

At the same time you can perhaps try a new game at some of your meal times where everyone has to share something positive they have seen or appreciate in the other people around the table. If you want to raise the value of saving money then help each of your kids to open a bank account and begin saving in some way from their allowance or odd jobs.

If you want to help people learn to be more honest with each other then make honesty a high priority in how you and/or your spouse speaks to one another and the rest of the family. Attitudes aren't taught or developed in a day, week or month. They are seen, acquired and practiced over long periods of time.
Start now and the dividends will be great later.