Is Debt Slowly Stealing Your Family's Health and Wealth?

I officiate a lot of weddings and love being a part of a couple's special day along with the preparation that goes with it. However, I've never heard any pair include, 'Till debt do us part," in their vows. But many couples today might as well say it because overspending is often central to the death of their marriage, home, reputation and even family.

In addition, many young couples today believe that they must immediately have what others have worked hard for over many years - the nice house, two newer cars, club memberships, personal toys, hobbies and the ability to go out whenever they want and not worry about it. But often their income will not support all that so they start accumulating debt - house payment, car payments, credit card balances and loans.

Their excuse is to say to themselves, "But we can afford the payments."  And perhaps for a while they can. But eventually the payments won't even pay the interest while they continue to try and live the same way. And if they are living on two incomes the situation just gets worse if one loses their job or has to quit for some reason.

Soon they aren't living the good life anymore. They're drowning in the debt-life and it's not fun. Their relationship suffers, their children endure the extra stresses and they eventually may just give up trying to get out of their mess while bathed in a lot of heartache.

In a recent Wall Street Journal article, a couple was described who was $50,000 in debt. A financial planner asked them where the boat or pool or RV was that they purchased to incur such a debt. Sadly, they couldn't even remember one thing they bought with that money!

So, let me first talk to those of you who aren't plagued by debt, at least not so far.  First, continue to spend only what is concurrent with your income. Remember you don't have to have everything everyone else has. Be thankful for what you have but resist the temptation to get more.

Second, keep saving something every paycheck. Start if you haven't already with an emergency fund. If things are tight then shoot for $1000 first. Increase your fund to at least several months income later. Save for retirement through your company or start a separate fund or two using a financial expert.

Third, as Dave Ramsey suggests, live like no one else now so you can live like no one else later. Develop a thankful heart and spirit in your home. Drive an older car, live in a smaller house now so that you can have more later that you own free and clear.  Don't give your kids everything and don't borrow money except for your home.

Fourth, start or continue a budget. You must know where your money is going and start planning ahead so you can enjoy a freedom to spend money and have it work for you.

However, if debt has you in its grip, start changing your financial habits today. Develop an emergency fund first, quit using your credit cards, begin saving something every check, downsize your house and cars and start taking control of your money instead of it controlling you. Find a financial professional to help you discover other important ways to save and to spend more wisely.

Money isn't evil. The Bible says that it's the love of it that's the problem. Debt isn't usually an avalanche that kills you all at once. It's more like a non-stop snowfall that gradually gets you. The good news is that it doesn't have to happen. Get financially healthy this year. And if you're already there, stay that way!

Some New Year Challenges For Your Marriage

I don't know what your specific marriage needs but after several decades of counseling and being married I have a pretty good idea what every marriage needs. Like a great golf swing, recipe or piano sonata, doing anything well always require certain foundational skills and ingredients.

Individuality must be layered over a strong foundation.

So here are a few of those less-talked-about marriage components that you might consider for work on during your new year. And no matter how well any of us are doing we can all improve. In fact continually working on our relationship is what will keep us going for a lifetime.

First, improve the little things that can end up big things. For example, speak more kindly in the every day moments. If you have a habit of speaking abruptly or without much feeling, work on getting a little softer and adding some understanding and emotion.

Give compliments more often, help out where you normally would not and surprise your spouse with some kindness. Commit to pray for the other every day even if you don't talk about it. Small changes now can make for huge differences years from now.

Second, make more time for each other. Plan (together) some time away and add some regular down time for just the two of  you. You may have to leave some things out but who cares?  They're probably not that important. If  you have kids it will be important that they too see you make each other a priority. As I've said in other posts, the number one cause of marital discord is when couples quit acting like friends.

And husbands be sure you join in on the planning.  Letting your wife put together a trip and you just going along for the ride misses out on the intimacy occurs when you work in tandem.

Third, get out of debt. This topic requires whole posts and even books full of discussion but the concept is simple. Too many couples today are swimming in loans and payments that steal from their marriage and home. Start the process of downsizing, limiting your expenditures and saving. Read a book or two by Dave Ramsey or Ron Blue for specific help.

Start somewhere to save, give to God and to invest for your future. 

Fourth, reach a new height or two in your faith. Don't just let your faith become a routine. Stimulate your relationship with God through a mission trip, new Bible study, personal growth plan, accountability partner or other service opportunity. Following Christ is also about growing, changing and becoming. It won't happen by itself.

Don't let this new year just slip away and be another year in your relationship. Start today making it the best year so far doing it one step at a time.

We Would Never Be A Hoarder Would We?

Maybe you've seen the reality show called Hoarders. The producers find someone who is clearly obsessed with keeping everything and a team of expert organizers, a psychologist and other helpers try to get them to change their ways.

In most cases it's not easy. There is usually all sorts of personal baggage hidden under their emotional layers of debris which will not be disposed of quickly. Often the person breaks down in despair seeing their prized possessions being thrown in a dumpster or at best organized.

Most of us watching a program like that would say, "That will never be me. I couldn't stand living that way." And we're probably right. There are only a small percentage of people who will endure the extremes of a true hoarder.

But I wonder if a lot of us aren't closer than we think, at least in spirit. We really do hoard we just do it in an organized and more acceptable way.  Let me suggest a few areas where potential hoarding can crop up in our homes.

We may hoard successes. We keep trying to add one more award, win, trophy or adulation for our kids or ourselves. We live for the next chance to tell a friend or put on Facebook the latest impressive feats in our family. How many Christmas letters rather than just giving an update on the family's important moments of the year are filled with all of the latest things to brag about on each person?

We may hoard security. Of course it makes sense to set aside savings for emergencies and retirement and to do all we can to make sure our family needs are maintained. But many keep adding more: another piece of real estate, bank accounts, other income streams and the like. We're never satisfied that enough is enough.

We can hoard extra stuff. Just like we might do with our finances we feel we always have to have a lot of abundance or we won't be OK. So we buy mulitiples of everything, never miss a good sale and keep trying to find more space to store it all in.

So what might we do at our house to battle the temptation to hoard?

First, make giving things and money away the norm at home. Look for ways to share what you have, find a regular place to give things to and teach your kids to do the same. Yes, be wise and careful that you have planned well for your needs then give the rest to someone or a great organization.

Second, take inventory and pare things down to only what you need. This may take some soul-searching and admitting that you really do have too much. Get rid of a lot, have a garage sale or rent a truck and donate things to a needy organization. If you really want to get serious, move into a smaller home and you will quickly find you can't take it all and will have to do something about it.

Third, start living in ways where you must trust God more to make it. Don't be foolish. God  has blessed us in many ways so that we would have what we need. Take good care of those basic things. But find some challenges, mission opportunities or whatever that require you to have special faith in God meeting your needs. You will live on a lot less but live a lot more.

At Your Home Do You Enjoy or Protect?

I've only seen a partial episode of the reality show Hoarders but that was probably enough for a while. Each week the program focuses on a person or family who literally hoards everything from old boxes to tools to clothes to you name it. In most cases their homes are a mess and every room is piled with stuff. I can't imagine living that way for even a day.

However, there seems to be a common reason behind most of the hoarding, one that is closer to where many of us live than we care to admit. They can't imagine losing it for fear that they might need it someday.

They can have a hundred empty shirt boxes but won't throw any away because they might need one and one is never enough. That pile of magazines probably has an article, ad or coupon that could come in handy. That shed full of tools, broken and worn, might meet a need for them or a neighbor.


And while saving things, making do with what we have and not being wasteful have their merits, hoarding like this is really just selfishness and many of us are at least tainted by it. In fact there are probably some deep-seated insecurities and self image issues that have never been resolved in hoarders and us.

Nonetheless, in most cases we too have WAY more than what we need and we can become protectors and hoarders in our own right. We spend thousands of dollars on what we deem necessities that people in most of the world would call luxuries and in some cases would like to have just one.

So we live a lot of our lives trying to protect our stash rather than wisely using just enough.  We accumulate and accumulate just a little bit more.  And we model the same for our children who pass along similar habits to their kids. People alive who lived through the depression still think this way but that mentality has made it to today as well in some forms.

In fact today there are two extremes:  use things up and then buy a new one or never throw anything away and try to get more. Both are misguided.  I'll talk about the consumer mentality in another post.

For now let's talk about how can we live a life of contentment with what we have versus being those in the protective camp who fear losing anything.

1.  Regularly take inventory and throw away (or give away) things you aren't using or don't need.   I have a lot of books that I've had to buy or read for my counseling and pastoral ministry over the years.  However, whenever I get a new book now I throw or give one away.  I'm just not going to add to my collection anymore.  We need to do something similar in our homes.

Some say if it's been there a year or more and you haven't use it get rid of it. You decide.

2.  Get rid of some of your storage by downsizing or selling some places you have that just pile up more stuff.  Some people have sheds, multiple homes or other places where they are keeping things that they just don't use. But they are paying to store it or asking someone else to manage it. Say goodbye and pass it on to someone else who could benefit or just throw it out.

3.  Enjoy what you have, don't hide it away somewhere.  Sure, we should take care of and maintain those things we've been blessed with. We should help things last as long as possible. But also take time to enjoy special items - pictures, collections, hobby items, special souvenirs, etc. They were made to be used.

4. Get involved in the lives of people needier than you.  They will remind you of how much you have that you don't really need. The more we spend time here or in other countries with people who have so little we'll realize how little we could live on.  And the less we have the less we have to take care of.  Aren't there better things we could do with our resources?

You bet!

What's The Plan At Your House?

Years ago a group of interchange designers were in a room with the purpose of planning how Interstate 35 would intersect in downtown Dallas with I 30, US 75 and the runways at DFW Airport. They were apparently smoking crack at the time and after several subsequent beers the chairman said, "OK, let's get started."

If you've ever driven through the center of Dallas you know that none of the major roads there actually meet each other.  You simply turn left, then right, then left, watching out for approaching aircraft and then get off at the next exit, finding the nearest Starbucks for a triple shot espresso. You then look for the oldest person there without piercings and ask for directions.  You might arrive at your destination the same day, but don't count on it.

Unfortunately, a lot of well-meaning spouses and parents have similar plan-less lives when it comes to their families.  Ask them and they'll say, "Oh sure, we want our home to be a Christ-centered home," or "Yes, we really desire that our kids learn to be independent and handle their money well," or "Absolutely we want to serve others together as a husband and wife." 

But if you ask them if they've made any plans to do any of those things, chances are good they have not.  The busyness of life, other priorities or just not thinking about it all get in the way.  People mean well but . . .

Jackie and I have been there and knew at one point that we needed to become intentional about some of our most important goals and actually do something to make them happen.

So here are a few tips for helping add planning to your marriage and family.  First, make a list.  Sounds so simple and it is.  Take a date night or a few free hours (you might have to PLAN those, too) and ask yourselves what it is that you believe God wants you to do in your home.  What will you look back on in ten years and be disappointed if it didn't happen?  Write it down.  Put the items in an order of importance if you can.

Second, start somewhere.  Don't leave your time together until you've agreed on at least one thing you're going to do to move you toward one goal.  If you can, plan a few other longer term goals or a time to start something else or to take a next step.  And celebrate your first steps when you take them.

Third, plan a longer "retreat" once a year or so.  Jackie and I have done this most of our 34 years of marriage.  Sometimes we can add a couple of days to a conference I have while other times we just stay local and get away to a hotel or resort nearby.  We use it as a time to just work on us in general but part of that time is for reviewing the last year and looking ahead to the next couple.

We take time to pray over our list too and ask God to give us wisdom along the way. I'm in ministry today because of one of those retreats where we asked each other the question, "What have you always wanted to do but haven't yet?"  One of my answers was, "Go to seminary."  The rest is history as they say.

The classic leadership proverb is so right . . . We don't plan to fail, we just fail to plan. 

And oh, by the way, if you're needing to go through Dallas?  I just wouldn't.

Sometimes In Marriage We Need to "Retreat"

Written from MOSCOW, Russia:  I love being here even in the middle of winter and look forward to the continued ministry this trip will help me and my church do in the coming months and years. And while I'm anticipating the next few days visiting churches and seeing wonderful friends, I already miss home and my wife Jackie.

And I know that even being gone just a little more than a week, she and I will need some time to catch up, get reacquainted and have some space for ourselves. It will be tempting to just launch back into life the way it was before I left. However, I've learned over the years that Jackie and I must continue to be intentional about OUR time, too.

Thankfully, early on in our marriage we began a couple of practices that we continue as empty-nesters some thirty three years later. We plan marriage retreat times. They generally come in two forms. The first kind happen on a more regular basis. We find a time during most every week to just have time for us. It can happen in little bits, too, and often does. However, we've found it important to have a larger chunk of time as well.

So most recently we take Mondays off. I know not everyone has that option but the day isn't that important. However, we try to get out of the house, go hiking or do something interesting together that we wouldn't do otherwise. If the day doesn't afford something like that we at least go have lunch and even run errands as long as we both agree that's what we want to do.

Because we anticipate those days off we work harder at finding new places to go and things to try. Yes, sometimes weather will limit what you can do. But that means that you simply find something to do indoors. And you don't have to spend a lot of money to keep things fun. We do find it's important to do something that gives you a chance to interact along the way and to talk about things. Some of the things you talk about are big deals and others are not.

However, that's why we don't go to a lot of movies on Mondays because we can't talk doing that. The important things is that you get to connect in a meaningful, focused way, reminding one another that they really do matter. Have you seen that beer commercial where the woman keeps asking the man which he would choose - her or something else? He keeps saying he would choose her until she mentions his beer. When he hesitates she leaves and for good reason.

Making time for each other reminds us that we won't hesitate when it comes to the importance of our marriage relationship.

Our second retreat idea however is a little more involved. We've found that we need a longer time together as well each year. We try to get away for an extended time, both for our own relaxation and to talk about the bigger picture of our marriage and family. Over the years we've talked about everything from having children to how to better teach them. We've seen some of the biggest decisions we've ever made germinate from a discussion over dinner or in a hot tub.

I'm a pastor today because of one of those discussions when we asked each other, "What have you always wanted to do that you've never had a chance to do?" One of my answers was to attend seminary. If our marriages and families are going to be all that God intended and what we'd hoped, we can't leave the results merely to chance. As the old adage goes, we don't plan to fail, we just fail to plan.

So make a commitment to "retreating" in your marriage and parenting. Get away and talk about everyday life and about the years still ahead of you. Make regular time for each other and talk face to face, uninterrupted as much as possible. The dividends will be well worth the time you invest in each other. It could literally change your life for the better. And by the way, those dates and retreats are lots of fun, too.