Our Kids Need To Know When We Can't Afford It!

We've all been there, right?  One of our kids asks if they can have something reasonable. Maybe a computer. Lots of kids have them. It would help for school. Our other computer is being used all the time anyway. But the thousand dollars isn't exactly in our budget.

Or we're on vacation and they want to do one more special activity. It's not that big of a deal. Sure, we don't have the funds in our vacation dollars for that but how many times will we be back? Our parents couldn't have afforded this so we're not about to let our kids suffer like we did, are we?

Many of us feel embarrassed to tell our kids NO and God forbid, we argue, that they think we can't afford that extra right now. But why do we fear that possibility? Isn't that the way life is? Don't we wish our political leaders would save money rather than spend what they don't have? How will our kids ever learn how to budget and live without some things if we never show them?

We parents need to help our kids understand that life does not owe them everything and that very few people have unlimited funds to spend. In fact, we need to teach them that it's not healthy to live that way even if we do have the money.

Sometimes we need to say no. Of course we don't have to explain our no as a lack of funds if that's not the case. Nor do we need to go there every time when it is.

But there are some helpful phrases that can be free to use when money is tight and we cannot do something because of finances:

You know, we have just so much in our vacation budget and we're still planning to go horseback riding which will use up the rest. So no, we can't add rafting this year.

Or . . . We really do plan on getting you a computer of your own after the holidays but right now that's not in our family budget unless you want to put some of your own money toward it.

Get the idea? You see there are several important benefits of being honest with your kids:


One, they learn that we all only have so much money. That's normal and the reality of life. Very few people have unlimited funds.

Two, they are less likely to feel entitled. Too many kids today think that they can have it all and frankly deserve it all. And sadly, some of their friends live that way so the task for parents is not always easy. We may have to swim upstream on this one but it is important nonetheless.

Three, we will more likely be able to show them the importance and value of serving others. When families spend so much of their time, energy and resources keeping up with others and pretending to have it all they usually don't have much left over for others. When they start to realize life is not all about them and that feeling really alive is when we make life more about others it's a win for everyone.

So be honest with your kids. Don't play the we're poor card and belittle their desires, hopes and dreams. Just be sure to teach them reality even if it takes some humility on your part.



 

Is Debt Slowly Stealing Your Family's Health and Wealth?

I officiate a lot of weddings and love being a part of a couple's special day along with the preparation that goes with it. However, I've never heard any pair include, 'Till debt do us part," in their vows. But many couples today might as well say it because overspending is often central to the death of their marriage, home, reputation and even family.

In addition, many young couples today believe that they must immediately have what others have worked hard for over many years - the nice house, two newer cars, club memberships, personal toys, hobbies and the ability to go out whenever they want and not worry about it. But often their income will not support all that so they start accumulating debt - house payment, car payments, credit card balances and loans.

Their excuse is to say to themselves, "But we can afford the payments."  And perhaps for a while they can. But eventually the payments won't even pay the interest while they continue to try and live the same way. And if they are living on two incomes the situation just gets worse if one loses their job or has to quit for some reason.

Soon they aren't living the good life anymore. They're drowning in the debt-life and it's not fun. Their relationship suffers, their children endure the extra stresses and they eventually may just give up trying to get out of their mess while bathed in a lot of heartache.

In a recent Wall Street Journal article, a couple was described who was $50,000 in debt. A financial planner asked them where the boat or pool or RV was that they purchased to incur such a debt. Sadly, they couldn't even remember one thing they bought with that money!

So, let me first talk to those of you who aren't plagued by debt, at least not so far.  First, continue to spend only what is concurrent with your income. Remember you don't have to have everything everyone else has. Be thankful for what you have but resist the temptation to get more.

Second, keep saving something every paycheck. Start if you haven't already with an emergency fund. If things are tight then shoot for $1000 first. Increase your fund to at least several months income later. Save for retirement through your company or start a separate fund or two using a financial expert.

Third, as Dave Ramsey suggests, live like no one else now so you can live like no one else later. Develop a thankful heart and spirit in your home. Drive an older car, live in a smaller house now so that you can have more later that you own free and clear.  Don't give your kids everything and don't borrow money except for your home.

Fourth, start or continue a budget. You must know where your money is going and start planning ahead so you can enjoy a freedom to spend money and have it work for you.

However, if debt has you in its grip, start changing your financial habits today. Develop an emergency fund first, quit using your credit cards, begin saving something every check, downsize your house and cars and start taking control of your money instead of it controlling you. Find a financial professional to help you discover other important ways to save and to spend more wisely.

Money isn't evil. The Bible says that it's the love of it that's the problem. Debt isn't usually an avalanche that kills you all at once. It's more like a non-stop snowfall that gradually gets you. The good news is that it doesn't have to happen. Get financially healthy this year. And if you're already there, stay that way!

What It Will Take To Keep A Resolution This Year

Of course this is the time of year when many people start make resolutions, turning over new leaves and hoping to finally win the battle to lose some pounds, start exercising, quit smoking, begin school or whever. And my hunch is that most of those people are pretty serious and sincere.

But so many of those hopes, dreams and goals simply never happen. Why? And what WILL it take for us to finally look back and realize we actually did accomplish something in the new year?

I think there are a couple of key ingredients for success. First, we need a crisis mentality. A good friend of mine just discovered that some cancer he had had removed has returned other places. While it was serious before it's a potential personal crisis now.

I know this. He doesn't need anyone's motivation, list of resolutions or accountability partner to fight this now with all of his being. If he doesn't the results will likely be disastrous. And yes we hope that many of our goals aren't that serious but we need to think more that way. For example, we might need to lose ten pounds or more.

What if we started thinking that if I don't lose this weight I could end up gaining more, becoming more unhealthy and perhaps not be able to enjoy my family the way I could if I got healthier? To not lose weight with this kind of thinking could be a crisis. That would probably motivate us a lot more than just a list.

More significantly, what if we thought about the consequences of not getting our finances together, working on a relationship or stopping a habit or practice that could destroy our marriage? That might get us going.

Second, we must have a plan. The old adage, you don't plan to fail you just fail to plan, fits here. Write down not only your big goal but the little goals you need to get there. Have someone doing it with you if possible. Make deadlines for when you will start, join a club or group, start classes, etc.

Ideally, have an accountability partner keeping tabs on you, too. Make sure they are ruthless. Plan to work and work the plan.

Third, we must get real. So many of our resolutions are just talk, way beyond our resources or ability and discourage us just thinking about them. So start at a realistic trailhead. Make sure you can accomplish the first few steps before you commit to the bigger ones. And if you can't really do this find something else! You don't have to climb Everest. There are other smaller mountains to climb first.

Fourth, anticipate and then enjoy your early successes. Dave Ramsey, financial expert, tells couples in large amounts of debt to first pay off the smallest amount. That way they get success and can apply those funds to the next smallest sum. We need to do the same no matter what our goal is. Get to the first plateau and celebrate it, encourage yourself and look forward to the next one.

Finally, remember that God wants you to grow, become more like Jesus and to be the person He intended. Invite Him into the process, ask Him for strength and wisdom along the way.Christ followers actually have God's power in them to do more than they could otherwise.  Use it.

If you'll tackle your resolutions wisely and with God's help they might just turn into a personal revolution!

Teaching Your Kids Life's Not A Free Ride

My daughter Amy was talking to one of our three-year-old grandsons about doing some easy jobs for his age to earn part of the money he needed to get a bike he liked. However he responded, "But I'm not a grown up. I'm just a kid. How about you earn it and I just ride it?"

Sounds like a lot of older kids these days. "Mom and dad, you pay for it and I'll just enjoy it."  That's said or at least expected about many things kids have these days from cell phones to video games to clothes and much more. Now of course, we parents are to provide for our children and we can't expect them to earn or even save huge amounts of money for everyday expenses.

But we're missing golden opportunities to teach our children about the value of both hard work and saving up for something if we don't give them a chance to actually try those things. Is it any wonder that so many adults, young and old, are burdened with huge amounts of debt? Many, at least, were never taught that things in life don't just show up and that we're not simply entitled to things because someone else, including the government, will pay for it.

I heard of some parents once who took a week's paycheck and got it in one dollar bills.  They placed it in piles on the kitchen table dividing it up into the parts it would take for that week's expenses or budget. Their kids got an eyeful when they realized that there wasn't this huge pile of money that could just be spent on them!

It's that kind of illustration and giving our kids a chance to earn some of their own way that teach them vital lessons about life and money in general.

And if they don't have any actual financial earning power outside the home, let them earn something within the home like our daughter is doing. Of course, you have to be reasonable. You can't expect a three-year-old to be washing the car. We limited our three-year-olds to just doing all the laundry. OK, I'm kidding, but there are things they can do. Keep a chart so they can see how they're doing.  The chart may have to be different depending upon their age so that they can really tell if they're making progress.

Sometimes you can go halfway with them as they get older. "I'll pay the second half of that game once you earn enough for the first half."  That can be great motivation if the goal is realistic. If they get an allowance teach them to save a portion, give a portion to God and to put aside another part for something special.  If they're old enough it becomes a very practical lesson about fractions, too.

So, if you haven't started your kids on learning what it's like to be in the workplace this week would be a good time to begin. Remember, your kids are going to be the parents someday in a home. It would be nice if we helped them out with the finances now.

Having KIds Who Still Love The Little Things

The other night my wife Jackie and I attended a AAA baseball game here in Austin. If you're not that familiar with the structure of baseball, AAA is the level just below the major leagues, in our case the Texas Rangers. Nonetheless, it's a fun night at a very nice ballpark but you won't see many current stars at a game like this unless they are trying to come back from an injury.

Anyhow, we were sitting down the third base line in the 4th row and there was a young boy, maybe 10 or 11, there with his grandpa. He had his baseball glove with him and like most young boys hoped he would catch a foul ball. However, in these games the players coming off the field will often throw the ball they caught and ended the inning with to one of the kids in the stands.

Every inning this young man called out to the players hoping a ball would come his way. But every inning he was disappointed . . . until the 8th inning when one of the players saw him and threw his ball right into the kid's glove. You should have seen his face. You would have thought this was the best day of his life. And maybe it was. It doesn't matter.

What struck me was how special that ball was to him. It was no big deal, really. These weren't major league players, at least not yet, and of course the ball wasn't signed. It probably only cost a few dollars to the team. But it was gold to that young man.

And I found myself thinking how few kids, at least in our middle to upper class neighborhoods have learned the joy of getting something as simple as a baseball. When so many young people get hundreds of dollars spent on them every Christmas, birthday and new school year, and they have entitled access to the best of computers, iPads and video games, why would something so insignificant as a ball matter?

So how do we teach our kids to appreciate the little things and to be thankful for what they have?  First, don't give them so much. That sounds pretty easy and it is, but our kids need to live in a world of enough not more if they are going to learn the value of things. Cut back on how much they have, let them work a little more for at least part of some of the bigger purchases and help them practice living with only two or three of something instead of ten.

Second, expose them to other cultures and settings where people don't have much at all. Those places may be across town or the ocean but we will open the eyes of our kids to situations they didn't know existed where people live every day wishing for one new piece of clothing or just enough to eat.

Third, give them opportunities to serve others. Start early modeling that real life is found more in giving and serving than getting and taking. Help them find ways to give some of their stuff away and experience the joy of watching someone else smile like I saw that young man smile at the game.

Is it any wonder that we live in a country where entitlements are such a big deal?  Maybe we can help our kids to learn in the next decade or two that true life is found more in what we give than what we have.

Great Ways To Save $ In a Tough Economy

When I was a young boy my grandfather took me on a train trip from Detroit to Niagara Falls.  I don't remember a lot of that jaunt but I do remember being so thrilled to travel with my grandpa and to ride on a train, something I'd never done before.

Apparently before we left for home, however, he suggested that we get a present for my grandma, my mom, dad and sister. So we found a souvenir store and he let me pick out the ones I wanted. But as we headed for the cashier, he noticed that there was one extra gift in my stash and he asked, "Who's that for?"  To which I happily replied, "That's for me!"

It's interesting that the desire for more, especially for us, starts early in life. And there's nothing wrong with having some nice things and enjoying the blessings God has given to us and our country as a whole. But the recent economic struggles are perhaps reminding us more and more that things may not always be so easy to come by and that we need to stretch our money a bit further.

And when we save we give more away to others who need it more than we do.  So let me suggest some ways that you and your family can very easily save a bit of money while teaching that  in most cases we already have enough without getting one more gift for us.

1. Get more books and videos from the library. I rarely read a book twice, especially novels, and I only own a few videos.  I don't have time to re-watch many of them anyway. So saving money by using the local library is a wise idea for most people. \

2. Eat out more reasonably.  I'll talk more in a minute about eating at home, too, but you can save money when you go to a restaurant as well. Drink water more often instead of alcohol, iced tea or soda. With a family of four those kinds of things can add ten to twenty dollars to your bill.

3. Eat at home more often. Our restaurants are full most every night because many people are too exhausted to think about meals at home. But if you work at it you can figure out some ways to prepare easy meals by using a crock pot, having the kids put something in the oven at a certain time, etc.

4. Vacation more wisely. Yes, staying home would save the most money and that's one idea. Pick some local places you could go that are nearby and fun. Even get away overnight but use the internet to find rooms that are a bargain even in very nice hotels. If you do go away, shop around online. Don't take the first option that comes along for hotels, rental cars and flights.  We're off to Colorado next week and by waiting and looking my wife got us a full-sized car for 8 days for $150 including taxes and fees.

5. Make do with what you have more often and longer. Do we really need the latest car, iPhone, basketball shoes? Can we live without another manicure or massage a bit longer? Can we survive without being in the club again this year?  Do we really need twenty shirts, dresses or shoes when we already have eighteen?

6. Keep better records. Most families in financial trouble have little idea what they are really spending. They put a wad of cash in their wallet and it suddenly disappears. Or they use their credit card over and over but never get a receipt or write down what they've spent. If you look honestly at your outgo you will probably be shocked and begin to rein in your spending.

7. Give more resources away . . . to the needy, to your church, to local organization, etc. When we have less to spend we spend it more wisely. And when we give to others, God does something special in us that mere getting will never do. We begin to focus more on what matters and the needs of others, not our own.

So you can save, you can overcome your financial challenges and you can enjoy some freedom with your money. Try some of these ideas and others you know about and really make a difference this year.

Where Are You Putting Your Resources At Your House?

I heard this week that the average prom spending per family was $1100 in 2012. That's the average so of course some spent less but just as many spent more!  For a dance.

Now there's nothing inherently wrong with special nights and activities in high school. Kids look forward much of their lives to their junior and senior proms. But who's driving these high costs for one night out?  The kids? Probably. The parents, too?  You bet.

There aren't too many students out there with the kind of income on their own to shell out a grand or more for their dress, limo, tux, food, photos and whatever else comes with it. My hunch is that a lot of parents use prom, just like so many other things, to keep up with the Joneses and to not disappoint little Julie or Ryan.

But what messages might we be sending?

The obvious one is that you must do what everyone else does or you won't be good enough. Kids have enough self esteem issues to add this pressure to their lives. Our worth is never in stuff and there isn't enough stuff to satisfy us. If there were then every Hollywood celebrity and pro athlete making huge amounts of money and living in enormous houses would be happy. But that's rarely the case.

Second, we may send the idea that you never need to wait or save for something better later. We've lived in a I-must-have-it-now culture for a long time now and these latest statistics merely add to that mentality. Wise parents help their kids to have great memories and fun experiences without having to do or spend exorbitantly.

Third, we are saying that of the resources God has given us, we are going to exhaust a significant amount of them on things that really don't matter in the big scheme of things.  Do our children see us spend that kind of money on other people, God's work, mission projects and the like? They watch us throw a twenty or even fifty in the offering each week but not ashamed to break the bank for a dress or limousine.

I talked with a man today whose wife was rushed to the hospital with severe abdominal pain. Thankfully, later in the day she was to be released but the man had no way to go get her and only $15 dollars left which he did not dare spend on cab fare. They don't live in the slums but have a place only a mile or two from us.  They've just been hit with lots of personal hardships.

So I spent a little of my time, money and gas and took him and his nine-year-old daughter to get mommy. And did I mention that I was the one blessed? That's the way it works when we try to spend our resources in the right places. Hope you and your family will try it.

Rewards For Kids or Good For Nothing?

The Smiths pay their kids for good grades. The Johnsons wouldn't think of it. The Andersons have found that providing financial and privilege incentives for their elementary-aged children really motivates them but the Davis' think kids need to learn to do their part without complaining.

Parents and so-called parenting "experts" have disagreed for decades about whether children should be given anything beyond the pride of accomplishment for helping at home, doing well in school, practicing their instrument and the like. And my hunch is that you blog readers will have varying views on the subject. I'd love to hear from you.

Nonetheless, while I'm far from the last word on anything, let me offer a few principles or guidelines that you might at least ponder as you do your best to teach, motivate and mature your kids.

First, remember what motivates you. My hunch is that while you may love your job, it's the money, bonuses and vacation time that keep you at the top of your game and going to work everyday. Incentives aren't inherently wrong so don't totally throw them out of your parenting manual.

Second, if you use rewards, allowance and other incentives don't apply them to everything or use them all the time.  Special bonuses should come later and not be the norm. When your kids are little they can learn how to help pick up, do simple chores and assist mom and dad just because they're family too. Teaching kids a healthy work ethic usually finds its foundation in learning to labor well whether there's a personal benefit or not.

Third, you can use rewards to teach children important life lessons.  For example, they can learn to save, to not always get what they want immediately and even to begin to give offerings to God. A simple allowance or some special pay for an over-the-expected chore can provide you  and them some learning capital with which to teach and train. They can also learn that even though you have something (like a salary) you won't keep it if you don't work, show up on time and do things well.

Finally, rewards can often help a child who is struggling an extra push toward reaching an important goal. Not every child will be a naturally good student, athlete, musician or worker at home. Sometimes though that extra nudge from mom and dad with a reward can motivate them and teach them that sometimes working extra hard is worth it in very tangible ways.

So, you'll have to decide what works best at your house but keep the options open when it comes to motivating your kids. I don't think I've ever met an adult who felt like they were emotionally messed up because their parents rewarded them now and then for hard work. But I have met a lot more individuals and couples whose parents didn't teach them much of anything about money, time and resources and they're paying a high price now.

Economic Pressures Often Breed Marital Challenges

It can be scary when money is tight, can't it? We get more tense, worry and fear the unknown. Unfortunately, financial pressures often carry over into our relationships, most notably our marriage. We can easily add an extra edge into our words, we may start using the silent treatment more or we can see little irritations which would normally be no big deal explode into major arguments.

The good news is that financial hardships don't have to implode our marriages. Instead, this can be a time when husband and wife come together even more intimately than ever and see their bonds strengthened. Couples must face all of life as a team. That's what you committed to be on your wedding day, a team, "for better or for worst." Financially rough seasons are no exception.

So how do we make the most of these days when the economy and its implications put extra strain on our marriage?

First of all, talk about what's going on. Men are especially prone to use the silent treatment, hold everything in and hope that everything will work itself out. But remaining mute is the worst thing you can do. First of all, we need the encouragement of others, especially our mate. It's ok to be angry, discouraged, overwhelmed, confused or panicky. But keeping all that to ourselves is not the answer. Part of enjoying full intimacy in a marriage is being able to tell the other person about our deepest feelings, even when they're negative.

It can also be helpful to have another same-sex confidante to talk with on a regular basis. Sometimes they can bring another helpful perspective to your interactions with your spouse. And if necessary, get counseling.

Second, take some simple next steps together. You need to understand that you're not paralyzed or stuck. The feeling of not being able to move typically leads to depression or major discouragement at best. If you're out of work get involved in a networking group at your church or in the community. Think of the process of getting your next job as a volunteer position that you and your spouse are committed to for the next few months. Enjoy the victories and positives together.

Or if you're working but things are tough, do something that moves you forward anyway. Re-do your budget. Cut something that was an extra but will easily save you money. Enjoy doing some local activities instead of going to the theme park and have fun doing it!

Third, pray. I don't know of any couples who can fight while they're praying! But more importantly, praying brings you closer together spiritually and invites God's power to your situation. You and your family get an opportunity to see God work even through your struggles as He provides and gives you wisdom. If you have children, let them pray with you for God's direction. They may not understand it all but they'll learn lessons for life about trusting God.

And don't forget to stop and thank God for some things you DO have. No matter what our situation is we are still blessed in ways beyond measure.

So, no, the economy doesn't have to economize your marriage. If anything, hard times have the potential to make us stronger. Re-commit yourselves as husband and wife to be a team, to be partners as you face our uncertain future. God will honor you for it and your marriage will become richer. Keep climbing!