Three Things Not To Skip This Christmas At Your House

I'll bet there are a few things you might like to leave out of your holidays this season though that may not be possible: your weird Uncle Mel's sense of humor, grandma's fruitcake, the credit card bill coming in January or figuring out whose house you'll be at and when.

And of course there are the things most families never want to lose even though they may at some point: unique traditions, opening gifts together, putting up decorations (okay most guys are thinking differently here) and lots of food.

But there are a few important elements that can get lost if we're not careful. They're not terribly involved, don't require much expense and families are usually surprised at the potential reactions they get from family members. However, the busyness of the season that we often let steal our time can keep these things as a footnote at best if present at all.

The first?  Don't skip the real Christmas story. You know the one about Jesus for whom the holiday is named. Telling it doesn't require a boring reading, however. You can act it out, have a fun discussion sometime after one of your services or read it in a new version. Every idea obviously is dependent on the ages of the children involved.

But don't think that just because it was covered in church that you've done enough. Often the church presentations get lost too in the bigness, tradition and excitement of the event. You might consider just reviewing it with each child as you tuck them in one night.

Second? Don't skip serving someone else. If Christmas is about gifts then it makes sense to bless someone else outside of our family who might not have much to get or give. Find a family or organization and build a relationship with them that you cultivate all year with the holidays just being the culmination of the past year of helping them.

So often our kids think Christmas is ultimately about them. Why?  Because we teach them that when we make gift getting the focus. Let your kids be a part of selecting who you'll help and serve and if they're old enough do some of the leg work. It will be fun and give Christmas a whole new perspective.

Finally, don't skip the thank you's.  Of course thank God that you made it together through another year. Perhaps you even went through some big challenges or losses. Even so, thank Him for walking you through and being there when you needed Him.

Also, thank the people you love and those who've blessed you in some way. They don't each need a gift other than your words of appreciation. There are scores of people in your world who would love to simply know what they did for you mattered and was noticed.

Say it, write a note, take someone out for a cup of coffee. Say thanks and "I love you" to those you are closest too. Whatever you do, don't assume that you've said it enough. You haven't most likely.

So have a great Christmas, but make it extra special by adding some things this year that might change everything and everyone - including you! Merry Christmas.

When Selfish Isn't Sinful

Anna is a mom of two normal, healthy, fun-loving, busy kids. She and her husband Al do quite well at sharing the responsibilities of providing, taxiing, feeding and who knows what else that children and family need every day.

But the end of each day arrives and they usually have just enough energy to plop in front of the television for thirty minutes and even then one of them is usually nodding off before the program ends. They look forward to weekends but there are games, church and special events to attend and participate in that seem to never end.

They both long for some time together, even a little alone time when their tanks aren't empty. They know that parenting and marriage both require sacrifice and often feel guilty for wanting more. Their parents sacrificed for them. Shouldn't they do the same for their kids? They know that someday when the kids are older they'll be able to focus on each other and maybe even start a new job or hobby that just has to wait for now.

Sound like you? Struggle with the same feelings? Wondering when you're going to get a break? Is being a little selfish, getting some time for yourself or your marriage always in your mind selfish and about ME?

I don't think so. And apparently Jesus didn't either. He took time to be alone, to walk, to rest his physical body (of course He was God otherwise).  He wasn't always with people, there for everyone and meeting needs 24/7.

There are some reasons why we too need to follow His example.

First, if we have little in our tank emotionally then we'll have little left for others. We'll get angry more, skim on the most important things and not give our kids and spouses our best.

Second, we'll be more likely to do something we would never do otherwise. We'll blow up at a coworker, have an affair, emotional or otherwise, or make a stupid decision. We're hurting, empty and longing for a little relief and sometimes we'll do anything for a cup of cold water in the desert.

Third, we need to be reminded of our limits. No one can be there for everyone. There is only so much time in our day, so many emotions in our reserve, so much energy in these bodies we have.

So what do we do?

Accept that you are not being selfish when you add rest and refreshing to your life, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Second, incorporate some you time into your day. It may start with only a few minutes but start somewhere. Try a walk, find time to think, read, meditate, pray, just unwind. If you're married include some regular time with your spouse. Require your kids to give you that time if they are old enough (and most are if you work at it with them).

Third, make slowing down more of a priority in your family. No, we don't need to do all the things everyone else is doing. No, we don't need to be in all the clubs, sports and special programs that the neighborhood crowd has embraced. There are more important things. Focus on those.

When you start re-filling your reservoir you'll discover you actually have more to give and enjoy. And by the way, that's how God intended us to live in the first place.

Five Things Couples Will Wish They'd Done Before Retiring

I'll never forget a wonderful pastor who Jackie and I learned so much from. He led a vibrant congregation as a teacher and leader for many years, looking forward as he said publicly to traveling a lot more with his wife after they retired around his sixty-fifth birthday. All seemed to be working according to plan as he bid farewell to his church except for one thing.

He died within a year.

All those plans to travel, spend time with each other and enjoy life were over, at least for the two of them. Sadly, many couples also put off until later opportunities, dreams and special hopes that didn't have to wait.

Let me suggest five things to try now that you would can include now in your marriage,and family life that you'll be glad you did even if you do live long beyond your retirement plans.

Travel together. Yes, like our pastor friend, travel plans don't always happen as we get older. Of course his death was the major reason he missed out but there are other inhibitors. Less money, health and other family responsibilities are three that often keep our big plans from happening in our later years.

Save more.  We live in a spend it when you have it culture. We're all about having the new, latest thing now. But someday you're going to wish you had saved some of what you spent on long-gone thrills and new technological advances to have extra resources that you can use for those days when it's time to work less and enjoy other things more.

Have more spontaneous fun. When is the last time you and your spouse or family did something unplanned just because it made you happy?  So much of family life today is scheduled, centered around the sports, school calendar or rehearsal schedule with little time to just enjoy one another. Take regular time to merely BE, to do things that make you laugh, that have no great purpose other than to re-fill your tank and take some of the stress out of life.

Share a bigger mission or purpose together. Over the years our hearts have been turned to loving, serving and helping the Russian church. Jackie and I have traveled there together, had Russian friends in our home and shared our resources. Your purpose can be local or far away, but there is something uniting and fulfilling about a bigger goal that you and your family embrace together. Don't wait.

Get to know your adult children as adults. So often we move far away (as we did for a while) and don't have the same amount of time to spend with them. If that's the case make sure you invest in ways to  help you get near them as much as you can. The computer makes connecting easier from a distance. And when you're together, make some memories.  Of course your children and their family responsibilities will place parameters on how much time you have but don't just sit back and hope you can get together. Suggest options, take time alone with grandkids if you can and plan some special things now and then.

You see, from someone who's there right now, you're going to face a day when you'll be asking this question: Did we do the things we wanted to do in life while we could still do them?  I'm thankful that we can say we did a lot of them. Thankfully, we seem to still have time and good health to do more of them. But I'm SO glad we didn't wait.

The Best Christmas Gifts You Could Give Your Family This Year

Most of us have spent countless hours and energy trying to find just the right gift at least for those we love the most. Other gifts have been perhaps more obligatory and in some cases perhaps we didn't even care that much.

However, a number of us have missed some of the most obvious and yet valuable gifts we could ever give. And they don't require huge sums of money, credit card payments or sets of directions. Let me suggest a few.

First, this year give the gift of your time. Gary Chapman suggests in his now classic book, The Five Love Languages, and in various versions of it that focused time is a key way that most people feel loved. So this year give your spouse, your kids, a friend or neighbor some meaningful time with you. Time doing what?  It depends on the person but it might include conversation (especially listening), doing something they like, just focusing on them for a while.

Second, this year give the gift of the story.  The what?  Yes, the story.  First, share the Christmas story.  That is the holiday, isn't it?  Christmas, Jesus, the manger, the splitting of the calendar - it all happened. It's the core of history and yet most of our movies and Christmas specials are only about reindeer, Santa, lights and presents.  But secondly, tell some more of your own stories.  Perhaps talk about Christmases you enjoyed or special events in your life when you were growing up.

Third, this year give the gift of less.  Christmas sadly has become all about us and often we give our kids more and more so they expect more and more. Try giving less to them and together offer more to others. Give some of your money away to a non-profit or overseas mission or charity. Buy a goat, pig or cow for someone in a deprived country so they can have sustenance all year long. Places online like World Vision and Samaritan's Purse make it easy to do.

Fourth, this year give them some new memories.  The above three suggestions might be a start. But perhaps you could add some new Christmas light viewing, a story time with special treats or a movie that you've not seen before about Christmas. One of our favorites is The Polar Express and it has some interesting spiritual overtones that are worth noting and talking about.

Use your own creativity but my hunch is that it will be these things that your family remembers far longer than any special material gift.  And you don't have to wrap them!

From Greed to Gratefulness This Year

Some woman was sitting in front of a Best Buy days before the holiday to save $240 on a television set on Black Friday, the day after Thanksgiving. Really? She gave up family time, a meal with those she loves and who knows what else all for a couple hundred dollars.

Of course that's a pretty extreme example, but I wonder how many of us really think about the messages we're sending to our kids, spouses and selves that really say, "You know, this Thanksgiving thing is really all about me getting what I want when I want it."  While we might suggest that we're really grateful people (and most of us probably are), are we still saying that it's not enough?

Sure, some people like the fun, tradition and the fact that maybe they really did get a good deal. And there's nothing inherently wrong in any of that. But why do we have to have that during a holiday that we call Thanksgiving? Couldn't we stop for a few days and truly be thankful, talk about how blessed we are and not have to have the next bigger, better, cheaper or even more expensive thing?

I wonder if a lot of the dysfunction and even emotional struggle in our country isn't because we have forgotten how to be thankful and grateful for what we have. Have we isolated ourselves that much from people not far from us as well as those around the world who have next to nothing and yet are probably happier than we are in many ways?

Can I suggest a few alternatives this year?  First, just skip all the drastic bargain hunting. Stay home, enjoy the days off and truly spend some time thanking God for your blessings.  Enjoy some things that are really priceless like time with people you love.

Second, cut back on Christmas gifts. If you have to spend money, give it away or go make someone else's holiday that much better. Find a mission agency and buy something for someone in another country that will make them ongoing income throughout the year. Give each family member a small amount of money and see who can get the most for someone else in the family with that little bit. I'll bet you'll remember that Christmas like never before.

Third, decide on some ways you can live differently all year long.  Christmas is just around the corner. Other sales, holidays, birthdays and random moments will beckon us to spend money on more things we don't really need and miss opportunities to bless someone in need. Why not commit to helping your family learn what it means to feel really alive by giving more away than we get?

Remember the things our kids learn best are those we model most. Think about how to model things that will last not just a lifetime but an eternity.

Putting Some Healthy Limits on Technology

A popular big-city restaurant recently offered its customers a 5% discount on their meal tab if they would turn in their smart phone for the duration of their stay in the restaurant. Apparently about sixty percent of the customers have accepted the offer. And I have a hunch some very good things have happened during those meals.

I would guess that couples are talking to each other more. They are more likely to be engaging in each other's lives and learning things they should have known but did not.

I would think that families are having more fun together and coming up with special ways to enjoy the moments they have with each other before their food arrives. Children probably have time to tell stories about their day or week and parents have more opportunity to just enjoy the spontaneous laughter and insights their children initiate when talked to and listened to intentionally.

Who knows what other good results will happen but it sure seems like they will be worth it, much more than the five percent discount.

Of course, it's not that technology is bad. I love it. It keeps me learning,  helps me organize my week and to stay in touch with other important people in my life. But it can subtly steal relationship from us, especially during meals and other places where our family is together. I've often seen husbands and wives or dads and a child sitting in silence during their time together in a restaurant, focused on their phone or newspaper. When will they ever get that moment back?  Probably never.

When did phone calls, often inane comments on a website from friends and updates on sports scores become so necessary and important?  We live a lot of life as though we will miss something important and be scarred forever.

The biggest scars,  however, will be those left in children and spouses where a cell phone became more important than they were in the eyes of those they love. We are hurting ourselves and our families when we let the mundane take precedence over the eternal.

So maybe more of us would be wise to put the phone aside at key times during the day, especially when in the company of our family. Who knows?  You might even get a little something knocked off your bill?

The Danger In Doing Too Much For Our Kids

There are few parents out there who don't want to give their kids the best of everything - education, opportunities and experiences. Many of us who didn't have that much growing up certainly want our children to have more than we did. And there is nothing wrong with that perspective and goal.

However, as I look around at a lot of society today, I see many parents who perhaps are offering their children too much and as a consequence can cause harm rather than help. Summer is a great example. Once school is over kids are off to one week of camp, two weeks of sports tournaments, another week of lessons, a summer seminar, etc., etc.

During the year these same families run from event to practice to lesson to church activity with mom and dad serving mainly as the chauffeurs and bankers for all these commitments. What's the potential downside? There are several.

First, our kids can begin to think they are the center of our universe. They start to feel entitled to more airplane tickets, equipment, clothing and shuttle service to get them to all of these events and activities. Life becomes more about what they do and need and little about serving or helping others. Mom and dad become these necessary providers of transportation and money so that they can succeed.

Second, our other relationships, especially our marriage, can suffer in the process. I talk with parents all the time whose marriage is starving while they keep feeding energy and resources into their children's lives. Many parents have no time or finances for each other because their entire resource account is spent on the kids.

Third, much of our spending will be spent on things that really don't matter as much as we think they will. How many of our kids will be great athletes and actresses and musicians and brilliant scientists? Why not help our children focus on one or two things each year that will still help them develop a talent, build character and learn to work hard? Do they need to do it all? Can we afford to let them do it all?

What are we to do?  Well, if you have the courage (and it will require courage), start to downsize your family's commitments.  Do less that is organized and more that is spontaneous. Take a real vacation not just one around a child's activities. Focus your kids on one or two key areas of involvement and stop the rest. Spend more time together at home and less in the stands or on the field. Serve others more together in your church, community or city.

We all only have a limited amount of time with our kids. Use it wisely. It will be gone too soon.

LIfetimes Are Often Shorter Than We Think

My friend's son died the other day from cancer. He and his sweet wife had only been married about twelve years, had three little kids and were no doubt planning a long life together. I had the privilege of officiating at their wedding and heard their sincere and passionate vows to love even in sickness and in health, for better or for worse.

I'm confident that they never planned that in less than a dozen years one of them would be gone.

They promised to love each other for a lifetime. Sadly, however, that lifetime was much shorter than they could have imagined.

So am I trying to scare us all and suggest that we live in some sort or ugly morbidity all the time?  Of course not. But I would say we don't think nearly often enough about how we use each day and the time we have with those we love.

Often we succumb to the tyranny of the urgent and a penchant for more stuff, forgetting that it could be all gone tomorrow.

So what does this mean in everyday terms?  Well first I think it requires that we don't miss opportunities to meaningfully connect with those we love. Say the words we would want said, work at doing the things that won't end up in the regret column of your life. Take a little extra time to talk to your spouse or child, play with them spontaneously and slow down.

Second, we need to hold short accounts. If we've become angry or distant from someone go make it right even if you weren't in the wrong. Say you're sorry and let them know you don't want to continue to live apart or disenchanted with each other. Forgive if need be. Forgiveness isn't about letting them off the hook. It's about letting YOU off the hook.

Third, start on your bucket list now. Yes, some things may need to wait until you have more time or money but don't put them all off until retirement or later. Enjoy accomplishing some of those things now with your spouse and/or family. Don't spend your later days, months or years wishing you had done a lot of these things.

Of course there are other activities and actions you can think of and take to make the most out of each day you have. Whatever they are, start now. You never know how much time you have.

Five Ways To Find Balance In Your Home

If you've ever written a comment on someone's blog you know that sometimes you get a message like, "This comment awaiting moderation." That means that someone needs to review  your comments, make sure they're not out of line, laced with profanity or too long.  You have to be reviewed by a moderator.  Good idea unless you don't care what shows up on your public blog.

However, I wonder if that phrase shouldn't be written in bold letters somewhere for our families to see every day.  "Awaiting moderation."  How many of our homes are places where we're just doing too much of so many things? I've spoken before about our pace being too quick but that's only part of the problem. Even if we're moving fairly slowly we still may be doing way too much.

What are some of the areas in our homes where we may have gone overboard and need moderation?  How about:  activities, kids' responsibilities, house maintenance projects, weekly chores, meetings outside the home, hobbies, educational demands, school service commitments, church obligations. The list could go on and on, right?  You can add your own that I didn't mention.

Here are a couple of questions to ask yourself that might help you identify the items needing moderation at your house. Do I dread this commitment every time it comes around? Do I fudge on my preparation and planning for it because I simply do not have time?  Do I see joy in others in my home when we're involved in it or could they just take it or leave it?

Are several of these activities just more of the same?  Would I just rather be doing something else?

In addition, talk about what things are we missing out on, skimming on, barely doing but need to be doing because other things are crowding them out?  My hunch is that most parents had certain desires and goals for their families that have gotten lost because we're simply doing too much of things that don't really matter that much.

So start somewhere. Where can you trim?  Where must you cut back?  Then add one thing in that you'd rather be doing or need to do as a family that you'll all be glad you did later. And don't forget to include just some quiet time, time that doesn't have to be so productive and results oriented.

Do more playing, praying and staying. You'll be glad you did.

Moving from ME to OTHERS in your home

Do you know what everyone born in the 70's, 80's, 90's and through today has in common?  They're technically called the ME Generation. Somewhere in time our society began to subtly become more and more focused on MY needs, MY possessions, MY success and MY pleasures.  It's kind of sad, in one sense, that someone had to actually name it.

However, if we're honest the ME in us didn't begin in the 70's. Since the creation of mankind, we all have had a major tendency within us to think about ourselves first and others second. While we don't say this in public, we might as well:  OK, enough of me talking about me.  Why don't YOU talk about me?  In fact, a recent country western song by Toby Keith was entitled exactly that . . . I Wanna Talk About Me!

And unfortunately the focus on me rather than others can seep into the fabric of our homes. We can schedule all our time around our desires, we let our kids be involved in every extra opportunity and we even troll the church scene to make sure our kids hear the best youth speaker in one church, get the best Bible study at another and enjoy the ultimate worship at another.

Let's be careful that we're not sending the message that life really is all about us. Do we want our kids to only be consumers and not investors in the lives of other people?  Of course wanting to provide excellent educational and personal growth experiences for our kids and family as a whole are fine. But do we balance all that with focusing on others?

Here are a few ideas. How about next Christmas taking most of the money you would have spent on gifts for each other and giving it away to another family, service organization or special project?  Why not substitute an extra gymnastics or music class some semester with going and serving at a church ministry or community shelter?

Could you go as a family or couple on a missions trip using money you would have just kept for yourselves?  You can seen that the ideas to teach about caring for others and not ourselves are many.  Think of ones that would work for your family.

In fact, be careful that even your words of praise at home might send an it's-all-about-me message.  If we never tell our kids, for example, when they make a mistake or could do something better, but always encourage them anyway, we're setting them up for false confidence and arrogance. They can begin to believe that they deserve to be complimented, affirmed and applauded no matter what. They'll expect the same in school, in work and in life . . . and be disappointed.

So yes, build each other up but do it appropriately, honestly and with balance. Show them how to be more like Jesus who was always looking out for someone else.  Don't let ME become the dominant goal at your house. Make more of life about others.  That's when you really feel alive.

The Importance of Meals Together

Barbara Billingsley died the other day.  Who's that?  Some of you know she played the mom on Leave It To Beaver, the classic TV program back in the late 50's and 60's. Yes, that show was a far cry from family life today and in some ways that's a good thing.  Women in the 21st century don't all wear dresses and pearls around the house, the dads aren't all suited businessmen who work at some unknown office and the kids' problems aren't worked out in thirty minutes.

But something of importance seems to also have died in the forty or so years since shows like LITB were on the tube. The family mealtime. In a lot of homes there is rarely a few minutes when the whole family stops long enough to eat together to talk about the day, life in general or one anothers hopes and dreams. There's no common place to laugh, show off projects and just enjoy each others company.

Instead, many meals these days are either eaten in shifts, in a hurry or more likely out on the road. Parents who work arrive later or meet the rest of the family at that evening's event. Parents watch from the stands or the audience while their children perform, play or practice. There's little interaction other than "Good game," or "Is your homework done?"

There is research galore that shows that at a minimum the social benefits of mealtimes together matter.  Teenagers suffer less depression, do better in school and are less likely to use drugs in homes where time together around meals is valued.

But there are other important outcomes. You get to really know each other.  You teach the value of family. You honor each other more. You learn that life is about more than just activities and accomplishment.  And perhaps most important, you have a forum in which to teach spiritual, moral and social truths to your children that you want them to carry into adulthood.

My trips overseas always remind me that other cultures are typically so much better at enjoying time together around a meal, sometimes for hours.

However, I realize that to even add a couple of meals per week to our schedule some things might need to change.  Let me suggest that those changes are worth it. Here are a few ideas.

Don't let your children dictate their schedule.  Say no to doing everything. Give them some choices but they cannot and do not need to be in a sport or activity every season.  They don't have to participate in every cool event, class or program the school or community has to offer.

Decide a reasonable number of meals per week you'd like to have together.  At least think about holding one night a week that is sacred as a family night.  If there's an activity on that night, the answer is automatically "no" unless everyone agrees you'll make an exception that week. What about Sunday?  Have you ever considered making one of the weekend days or part of it a different kind of day?

Start early. If your kids are young and you make family mealtime a priority they'll learn to enjoy it sooner and simply expect it as they get older.

Have some mealtime rules that everyone abides by.  For example, when one person's talking everyone listens. Second, no electronics. Phones, mp3 players and the like can wait for later.  That includes mom and dad! Third, no one leaves until they get permission.  And finally, no put downs or making fun of each other.

Be creative.  Parent ought to do a little thinking about some ideas that will generate some discussion, fun and enjoyment of the mealtime. Have some good questions to ask or activities to try.  For example, ask one another to guess each others favorite in a category - i.e. dessert, movie, TV show, etc.  Or pick a current topic and give everyone a chance to provide their take on it. Talk about something you learned on the weekend at church or youth group.

Expect push back but don't give in.  Be the parent.  There are lots of things in life that may seem lame or boring to a middle schooler or teen but you can expect them to be done anyway.  Your kids won't die and will likely appreciate it years from now.

We'll miss you Barbara, Mrs. Cleaver,  but maybe we can hang on to a little something from your world.  "Hey, Beave?"