When Divorce Looms Over Your Marriage

I am sure I don't have to remind most of us of the statistics on divorce. Half of today's marriages will not experience "til death do us part." So it's imperative that spouses think long and hard about the impact of divorce and decide now what they will do when divorce rears its ugly head in their homes.

Some would say at this point, "Well, we shouldn't even be talking about it."  And I would agree that in a perfect world that SHOULD be the case. But we are humans so let's get a little more real and think about this for a few minutes.

First, ask yourself how the idea got posited there in the first place. Did one of you use it in an argument for leverage?  Is that really the route you want to go or were you just mad?  If there is no real movement or need to go the divorce route, then take the word out of your vocabulary NOW. Become more mature and talk about what's really going on, in the here and now, and deal with it.

But using divorce for leverage is the cheap way to resolve conflict and it rarely works.  Get some help but change your terms.

Second, have you done everything YOU could do to fix things?  Sometimes one of the spouses appears to have quit or given up.  And if that's the other person then I still want to ask you, "Have you tried everything anyway?"  Have you gone for counseling, have you prayed, have you been the spouse you want the other person to be?  Have you confessed your role in the strife (and yes you do have a role).

Ten years from now you at least want to be able to say that you before God did everything you could to save your marriage.  And sometimes, not always, the other spouse will see those changes in you and begin to come around.

Third, what kind of impact are your responses having on the children?  Whatever you do, keep the kids in mind.  Don't let them get hit with unnecessary friendly fire and shrapnel from your arguments, namecalling and petty ways of trying to win the battle. Lay aside your pride, suck it up sometimes and deal with the conflict but only in appropriate ways.

And should you go down the divorce road, still keep those kids in mind. You may have to yield on something that you'd rather not so that your kids can be spared some unncessary hurt. Do it. I know a guy who broke up with a woman he had a relationship with after his marriage ended because of how his ex used that relationship to harm the kids. I admire him.

Finally, remember that your worth comes from God not your spouse. Too many battles go on and on in homes because each spouse is fighting for his or her worth when it's not really on the line. Remember whose you are. Your spouse will never be enough for you so move forward.

Go to the mat for your marriage. Fight for it. Pray about it. Give it all you've got.  It's usually worth it.

The Role Of Prayer in A Troubled Marriage

Ryan and Diana are ready to call it quits on their marriage. Married only eight years with 2 young children, they don't see any way to save the union that they promised less than a decade ago to protect and cherish until death parted them.

Now the only thing they want is something else and relief. The arguments, loneliness and lack of closeness are now a dark cloud that neither of them wants to stand under any longer.

They've talked with a lawyer and are already acting as though the relationship is finished.  They just live in the same house.

And there are thousands of couples just like them. They sense there is no hope so they've given up. And while if you asked them if they ever prayed about their problems they would probably say "every day," it's possible that they've still missed out on an opportunity in prayer that could save their marriage.

And if Ryan and Diane, who are not real, could be your marriage then I want to ask you to consider one more thing before you call it quits. Would you and your spouse be willing to call a truce for thirty days so that you can very intentionally and purposefully pray for your marriage?

By truce I mean that you lay aside any talk of divorce. You also quit talking down to or about each other. You live in your home as civilly as possible and begin to treat each other with respect, at least for the time being.

And then you commit every day to pray passionately and specifically for yourself and your spouse.  What do you pray for?  Here are some possibilities:

Pray for truth in each other. Jesus said that the truth will set you free.  So pray that God will reveal in each of you things that you individually or together need to change or deal with.

Second, pray for a softening of each other's hearts. There is probably lots of anger, resentment and bitterness but God is a big God.  Give Him a chance to touch you both. Pray for yourself as well as your spouse.

Third, pray for hope. Pray that each of you can get beyond the past and commit to doing the hard things it will take to change the future. Remember God is a God of second chances and each of you deserve that.

Finally, pray for the right people to come around you and help you move forward.  Pray for 30 days with the last few days including some prayer together. I realize there are no guarantees that you will both still decide to move forward. But if you've never really asked God for help and to give you the strength for a miracle, you'll never know if one could have happened.

In Marriage Challenges Think About the Kids Too

Many have known or been the parents who decided to stay together because of the kids. At at times that may be noble or at least a wise decision.

But unfortunately some parents are more about the divorce and their own feelings and think little of the children and the impact their warring and selfishness have on the kids.

And while everyone's situation is certainly unique there are some principles and guidelines that would be worth considering if you and your spouse are going through hard times or already well down the road to separation or divorce.

First, limit how much of the angst your children see and feel. You're adults so wait to have your major blowups and disagreements for when the young ones aren't around or sleeping (and make sure they are). Yes, children must eventually know some things and if they are old enough probably already do. In those cases bring them into the situation carefully (more on that in a moment).

Second, don't do anything on purpose to add more antagonism in your children toward your spouse. Some spouses bring negativity on themselves and you can't help that but we can at least do our part to keep the children's relationship with their mom or dad as healthy as possible. If your marriage fails the kids deserve to still have a meaningful connection with both parents if possible.

Third, as things get worse, if they do, see that your kids have someone to talk to. A pastor, counselor, same-sex adult friend, therapist. They will need someone outside your relationship with whom they can speak honestly and share some of the emotions they most likely do not understand. Get some recommendations from clergy or local agencies as to who might be best.

Fourth, make sure that you and your spouse are getting help. If you're working on things then the things you learn can translate into your home and perhaps your marriage can be saved.

Don't stay in your marriage just for the kids. But don't leave your kids out of the process - they have feelings too and your example is one of the few they will have to follow.

The Five Greatest Marriage Killers

Marriages are being assaulted! I don't know of anyone who doesn't know at least one close friend, relative, neighbor or coworker whose marriage isn't struggling big time, on the verge of divorce or impacted by an affair. And I realize that one, marriage is never easy and two, there are lots of factors that complicate people's marriage stories and any attempts to fix them.

Nonetheless, I want to also be sure that couples are aware of several things that may be overlooked when they think there is little or no hope of salvaging their relationship. These five perspectives or attitudes can often keep people from actually turning their marriage around if they'll only understand what's really true.

First, thinking that your spouse must meet your needs. The truth is no spouse can ever be enough for the other person. Yes, we can and must do all we can to learn to love and respect each other, but it will still never be enough.  Only God can fulfill our deepest longings.  See Psalm 42 for example.

Second, thinking that your worth is on the line. Many couple's disagreements turn into wars because they cross a line when they believe that they now must win a battle about their personhood.  Deep within they believe that if they aren't right, aren't seen in a positive light or whatever that they will somehow decrease in value and matter less.  Nothing could be further from the truth. Our worth is totally dependent upon our relationship with God and once we are a child of God in Christ five things are always true in any circumstance.

We matter, we have purpose, we are children of God, we are loved and we are forgiven.  No circumstance or comment will ever change that.  See earlier posts on self-worth for more details.

Third, thinking that your spouse must change for you to have a great marriage.  Yes, there are things that must be changed in some circumstances that either spouse must not just let slide - abuse, bringing danger into the home, threatening suicide and the like. But certain characteristics and uniquenesses, even if they are hard for us at times, do not have to become our personal mission to transform.  Yes, talk about them, compromise if need be, but also learn to love your spouse for who she or he is. Sometimes their irksome habit or style is a healthy balance to one of yours.

Fourth, thinking that your problems are too big for God to overcome. The Bible says in Jeremiah that nothing is too difficult for God and that includes healing the hurts and diseases in our marriage.  Have you really given your marriage to God, have you brought your story together to God in prayer, have you gotten others involved to both provide godly counsel and extra prayer? 

Fifth, thinking that splitting up will necessarily be better, easier or more enjoyable.  Yes, there are circumstances where a permanent break is simply inevitable.  But don't quit just because you want to escape the pain and believe that everything will be so much better later.

When you run into problems give God, yourself and your spouse every chance to make it first.  There just might be a miracle around the corner that God is ready and willing to do in you to save your marriage and keep you from just becoming another sad story.

When Your Marriage Is In Trouble

Divorce happens. It's real. Sometimes it's unavoidable when one person isn't willing to work on their part of the marriage anymore or a spouse just leaves or it becomes dangerous to stay. But perhaps more tragic is when there truly is some hope, things could be fixed and the couple just decides to give up because it's too hard or "I've tried too long" or they never really knew how much better things could be.

And if you've been divorced my thoughts today aren't about beating you up for your circumstances or decisions. Most every family today has been directly or indirectly impacted by divorce including my own. And like I've already suggested there are myriad reasons, situations and individuals involved in hurting marriages and why people ultimately divorce these days. There are no easy answers.

However, I do want to ask couples who might be in trouble to at least ponder a few key thoughts before they would ever decide to divorce or even explore it as an option. First, have you done your part to make things better?  I counsel with many couples and so often the discussion centers around what the other person has done or continues to do.  "If he (or she) just wouldn't ____________, our marriage would be great."  If you each own your own part of the problems you'll lower some of the angst right at the outset and maybe be able to see a possible resolution.

Second, have you together taken advantage of every resource available to help you make it?  Counseling, books (I Don't Want A Divorce is a great one), mentoring, conferences, and the like all have the potential to help you sort through the issues that are putting the most strain on your relationship.  Some of you may say, "Well, we don't have the time or money for all of that."  My response is, "You can't afford NOT to do some of those things! The consequences can be dreadful and lifechanging."

Third, ask yourself, "How much of our thinking has been influenced by the world around us and the media?"  Television, some talk radio and movies glamorize and laugh at broken relationships while modeling that most of the culture is single, runs around and loves every minute of it. Think of a favorite drama or sitcom where the leads are married and much less happily married.  There aren't many. Don't buy into the fantasy that just getting divorced and living as your own person again is the answer.  Hollywood wants us to believe that but it's not.  Look at the lives of most of the actors.

Finally, consider where you and your spouse are spiritually.  Do you pray for each other?  Have you committed to pray about your marriage for an extended time? Do you both have a personal relationship with God? Does your faith impact how you treat each other?  This can become a time when you both get drawn back to God or to Him for the first time.  When you have Christ living in you, you have greater resources to draw from when times are difficult and you don't look to your spouse as much to be your source of life, worth and value.

So if you're sensing or even overwhelmed with marital problems, will you at least make sure you've done everything you can first to make it?  Your kids (if you have them) need a loving mom and dad who are together if possible and there is a better way.  Let someone and God help you. Keep climbing.