GUEST POST- Jackie Sinclair: Grieving Lessons From My Phone

Computers and smart phones have revolutionized our lives.  I sometimes have said that my brain is now in my phone and I can get panicky when I lose track of my devices.  On the other hand, there are times when technology can be downright frustrating.  My iPhone seems to crawl or my battery is dying before noon.  A quick Google search will bring lists of suggestions to get better performance. 

As it turns out some apps run silently in the background allowing them to be ready in an instant if we need them.  The downside is that they are constantly sapping battery life and eventually slowing down the processing.   In many apps this option can be turned off but other utilities must remain running for the proper operation.

About 7 months ago my brother was diagnosed with a recurrence of colon cancer.  In spite of aggressive treatment it became obvious that the cancer was moving quickly and there would be no cure.  Last Friday, May 29, 2015 he passed into eternity surrounded by his wife and grown children.  We will all miss him deeply.

Over the past months I have found myself increasingly distracted, forgetful and unmotivated.  And since his death it seems that even small tasks and decision-making have become more difficult even when I was not actively thinking about him.    

Yesterday it occurred to me that my grief was like an app running in the background of my life, depleting my energy and decreasing my thinking process.  Even though other parts of my life were going on without obvious problems, the grief was there (sometimes silent and other times intense) and it will continue to affect my life in some way for a long time to come.  

As I thought about it more, what is true for grief is also true for other negative events in our lives.  Even when we aren’t dwelling on them they are always there, running in the background and still affecting us. Unfortunately these negative events can’t be turned off with the swipe of a finger.   They are a part of our life that cannot be changed.

So what do we do in the meantime?

First, take the time to evaluate what pain or negative circumstances may be running behind the scenes in your life.  Sometimes we can do a good job of hiding those wounds, even from ourselves. 

Next, evaluate what is essential and which things threaten to drain your emotional battery. What commitments can temporarily be put aside to allow yourself more energy to deal with the loss? 

And lastly, give yourself grace and time to heal.  There is no correct timetable to get past grief.   Allow people to help.  This is often as important for them as it is for you.

Much like our electronic devices, it pays to do a periodic maintenance and assessment of our emotional health and life responsibilities.  It just may keep us from running out of critical energy at a time when we need it the most.

Fear: Not Usually Helpful At Home

I have a number of things I'm basically afraid of.  I'll bet you do, too. Snakes are high on my list. Most of us wonder if terrorism will end up in our town or city's backyard. It's natural to be pretty nervous. While I'm confident in my faith in God and that I'll see Heaven someday, I'm still a bit fearful of what dying is like, at least the unknown parts right now.

And healthy fears of getting hit by a car or struck by lightning can help us taken necessary and wise precautions to avoid the worst. All fear isn't bad.

However, some fear in a home can be debilitating, destructive and emotionally painful.As parents we would be wise to think about those kinds of fears and try to avoid them. Let me suggest a few.

The fear of failure. While our kids may not care much at first, many parents hate to see their child make a mistake, not get on the team or give up on a project or endeavor. To those parents their child's lack of succcess means they as parents aren't a success either. So they push harder or at best have trouble hiding their disappointment in their child. And trust me they notice and probably will become fearful themselves of not measuring up.

The fear of what others think.  This can be exasperated when failure looms, but it can also result when we constantly compare ourselves with others.  We don't have as much house, money, fame, social connections or power. So we're not OK in our minds and soon our kids begin to believe it as well..

The fear of other people. Yes, only a few will be totally non-social. That's unusual. But sometimes we can allow our kids to never learn to connect with adults or new people or anyone not quite like them. Other parents teach kids to think that everyone in their world is out to get or hurt them. What a dangerous allowance in a world where someday social interactions and trying new things in relational contexts will be essential to succeed and relate in the culture.

The fear of having fun. Many kids today are being pushed harder and harder as I alluded to earlier. But a corollary emotion and response can be the sense that to have a good time is never OK. Only working harder is acceptable here. And while most kids deep inside still want to have fun, they find themselves always wondering if mom and dad are listening or know that they are anything but totally serious about succeeding.

There are of course other fears that I don't have time to explore now. But the bigger issue is, Is our home a safe place for kids to grow, be stretched and even fail? If not, why not?  What are you possibly helping by making the accepted landscape in your family one of only hard work, determination and outdoing their best friend?

Yes, we need to model and encourage that we all do our best. And yes, even the Bible suggests that we should love God and others with all our heart. But fear will never be the best motivator. Imagine what your work experience would be like if your boss motivated you only with fear (and some of you no doubt CAN imagine that.)

Be sure that you are wise and reasonable in your expectations.  Have fun. Celebrate victories, of course, but also celebrate trying hard, doing something unique and even failing after doing your best. Keep fear protective, yes, but not preventative of healthy, wise, fun life at your house!

A Simple Action Can Soothe The Pain of Conflict

Have you ever felt like you were in a conflict that you couldn't win or resolve?  Perhaps it's with our boss, kids, spouse, friend, neighbor. We can't seem to make them understand or don't see any reason behind why they treated us the way they did.

Or perhaps our conflict was with life. Why couldn't things have worked out for me the way they did for my friend? Why does trouble seem to follow me or our family?

Maybe we've been tugging against God Himself. Good luck with that by the way but I've done it too. We wonder why God seems to have allowed bad things to happen -  we lose our job, struggle financially or can't work things out so we can and be happy and content for a while.

So what do we do?  Often we pull harder so to speak. We get more angry, try more logic or become even more demanding that others change and come through for us. And while things and people don't change we do. We become bitter and hard to live with most of the time. Our health can suffer and life simply isn't fun anymore.

I have a suggestion. If you were in a real tug-of-war that you didn't want to engage in, you could stop it quickly, right?  Just drop your end of the rope. The other person or persons can keep pulling until Jesus comes back but you're not in the contest.

Well, we can do the same when we're in an emotional contest with someone. We can drop the rope there too. How?

Lots of ways. One is to change your responses. That means that you quit arguing, shut down your end of a conversation or agree to disagree. You don't have to keep going in the conflict.

Some will feel like this is giving in but it's not. We can let someone else win. We can let them at least think they've won, believe they are smarter or whatever.  We know better but we also accept that they don't need to understand us or what we're doing. Let them deal with the conflict if they want.

A second option is to not demand anymore. Do not demand that the othe person change or agree with you. Don't demand that you look good. Don't require that they like you. There are times when even those we love might not connect with us for a time. They will likely get over it and so will you. High expectations are often the cause for why we feel like we must prevail in conflict.

Third, use language that frees you.  For example get comfortable with phrases like, "I guess we're going to have to disagree,"  or "Tell me more about that," or "I'm sorry that we can't be on the same page on this but it's OK."

Sometimes we literally have to hear ourselves say that we're not going to engage, try to win or let another person's actions ruin our day, week or month.


Yes, conflict is inevitable in marriages, family and life in general. But it doesn't have to own us or rule the day. Just learn to drop the rope.

How We Might Knock The Air Out of Someone At Home

I only remember it happening a few times growing up, but I'll never forget the sensation either. I'd be playing with friends or involved in some sporting activity and someone would accidentally run into me, a ball would smash into my abdomen or I'd fall down in an awkward way.

And all of a sudden it felt like I couldn't breathe. It would take several minutes before I could catch my breath and feel somewhat normal again. It's called getting the air knocked out of you and it happens all the time, even to adults, especially those who play rough sports.

Unfortunately we can do the same, at least emotionally, to one of our loved ones at home.

Often it's done through our words. In a fit of anger we may yell and call someone a name, imply they are stupid or make an unfair (and likely untrue for the most part) comment about their character.  "You're lazy," we say to our teen. "You aren't much of a student," we spew to our 4th grader. Or, "You're just like your mother," we rant to our wife.

Sometimes we do need to say hard or challenging things at but we should never, and let me repeat that, never attack someone's character. We can talk about their current action and why it was wrong or unwise but it hurts deeply and can knock the emotional air out of someone we love to imply something unkind and untrue that they are as a person.

We can also injure through our actions or lack of them. We promise that we'll be there for a game or other special activity but regularly never make it. We make a family member look bad or silly in front of others. Or we brag all the time about one child but can never seem to find anything good to say about the others.

Actions matter. They are the exclamation point on our promises. They are the follow-through to our words. No, we'll never be perfect but don't promise if you can't deliver most of the time.

And believe it or not we can even hurt someone through a look or expression. We all know when someone looks at us with a face that clearly says they are disgusted with or ashamed of us we remember and feel it for a long time. Many a helpful resolution to a conflict or disagreement has been undermined by a look of disdain before the conversation could ever get started.

Are you knocking the air out of those you love? Take inventory. Listen to yourself. Ask others to watch too. Because if we keep doing it, some of the people who matter most to us will simply quit "playing" with us and that would be a tragedy.

Don't Miss The Warning Signs Before Marriage

John and Alice were so in love.  They couldn't wait to get married.  They'd known each other for a good while and everyone expected marriage was a given. They had a date planned for a wedding in about a year and were just beginning to put some details in place for their special day.

Nothing in their minds could keep them from committing to spend the rest of their lives together.

Sure there were a few things that irritated John. For one thing Alice spent nearly an hour every day on the phone with her mom. But they were probably also talking about wedding details so that didn't seem like a big deal.

He did notice that Alice's dad was pretty quiet and never said much but he was nice nonetheless and he and John's future mother-in-law seemed to get along well.

John did wonder from time to time about Alice's continued connection to an old boyfriend, but they just seemed to be good friends and John liked the guy too, so what was the big deal? Alice would often tell John that she wished he was a little more like Alex the former boyfriend, but she was just trying to help John, right?

But five years later, John began to wonder if he should have noticed some of Alice's tendencies, actions and habits. No, there would never be a perfect wife but had he missed some warning signs that would have told him about potential big problems later.

Because now, Alice continues to put more stock in her mother's views than his. Alice still sneaks around texting Alex, keeping their "friendship" going but not telling John. And to this day John has still never felt any respect or deep affection from Alice. She continues to belittle him about most everything and they have little intimacy of body, soul or spirit. He wonders if that's really the way her dad is.

When I deal with couples in marriage counseling, I have found (and so have they) that there were almost always signs during the dating phase of their relationship of potentially bad things to come.  But instead of talking about them, exploring more and even deciding not to marry the couples simply ignored the signs and hoped things would change or never show up at all.

Of course we must understand that we can never know our spouse completely when we marry. People change and so do circumstances. The covenant we make at the altar must endure beyond good feelings and be lived out through two imperfect people.

But there are warning signs that may also tell us this marriage shouldn't happen, that there are qualities, habits or attitudes in the other person or their family that will not help that marriage be a healthy and godly one. Do not ignore them.  You must explore them, talk through them with a qualified pastor or counselor and prayerfully consider whether the marriage will work and be fruitful.  A spouse who is not willing to look deeply within themselves is going to have trouble with honesty and authenticity later.

Some potential areas of concern to watch for are: unhealthy relationships or connections with parents or other family, unresolved abuse issues, strange marriage role perspectives, distorted views toward the opposite sex, unaddressed fear and anxiety concerns, distorted ideas concerning money, children or God.

So what does a person or couple do to avoid trouble later. First, take notice of the signs.  It may just start as a bad feeling but don't ignore it. Explore, get wisdom, find out more.

Second, talk about it with the other person.  Most of the time you need to get someone else involved who will help you both look honestly at your concern to determine if it's anything significant. This is why quality premarital counseling is essential!

Third, be willing to postpone your wedding or break up. There are far worse things one of them being sitting in an office like mine years later in despair with little hope knowing you made a big mistake and those hidden problems are now major problems for your relationship.

Marriage can be wonderful and it's always a growing, learning, giving and sacrificial commitment and covenant. But marriages with unrevealed disease and dysfunction are usually doomed to die a slow death. Don't miss the signs.  They're usually more obvious than you think.

Avoiding Friendly Fire At Your House

War has many unpleasant outcomes - debilitating injuries, time away from home and challenging stresses and emotional issues long after time of service finishes.  And of course the worst result of all is death - the loss of a mother, daughter, son, father, brother or sister. Life is never the same after that.

However, there is one kind of death that makes the situation even harder to bear. Death or injury from friendly fire. Someone gets hurt or killed accidentally by the bullets or bombs of one of their own.  As I write this our country is celebrating our independence on the 4th of July but that independence came with great cost including some who were lost but were inadvertently taken away through the error of a fellow soldier or team.

Sadly, there are friendly fire results in many homes that are also tragic and could have been avoided as well. Children, spouses and parents can all be the recipients of explosions and other ammunition that gets shot into a home or family.  Let me talk about some that could actually be stopped or deflected if we will just stop and admit it is there.

Verbal assaults.  Name-calling, shouting, rage and put downs are common in many households.  People may not even think they were making a big deal or hurting someone else through their words but it happens all the time. Children begin to think they are bad all the time, spouses are told how stupid or dumb they are and just an angry tone of voice can be devastating.

Proverbs remind us that death and life are in the power of the tongue.

Unreasonable expectations. Some parents won't accept anything from their children less than their being number one, getting an "A" or winning. The implication even in their compliments is that the results should have been better. How do I know this is a problem in many families?  Because I talk almost every week to these kids who are now grown ups in my counseling office and they are still paying the price of their parents unfair desires for them.

Selfish decisions.  Many adults in the middle of an affair, a divorce, financial struggles and a host of other things make quick, inward focused decisions without considering who else in the family might be affected. I wrote recently of this in a post about divorce but it happens in myriad situations. Often couples are so mad at each other that they will yell, scream, deceive, conjur and manipulate to get their own way not realizing that several other sets of eyes are watching and hearts are breaking.

My hunch is that you can think of some more settings where friendly fire can take its toll.  Look at yourself and your situation and ask God to show you where those situations might be.  Or if the ones I've discussed here are true of you, decide today to make a change now.

The battle is tough enough without hurting those you love in the process.

When Divorce Looms Over Your Marriage

I am sure I don't have to remind most of us of the statistics on divorce. Half of today's marriages will not experience "til death do us part." So it's imperative that spouses think long and hard about the impact of divorce and decide now what they will do when divorce rears its ugly head in their homes.

Some would say at this point, "Well, we shouldn't even be talking about it."  And I would agree that in a perfect world that SHOULD be the case. But we are humans so let's get a little more real and think about this for a few minutes.

First, ask yourself how the idea got posited there in the first place. Did one of you use it in an argument for leverage?  Is that really the route you want to go or were you just mad?  If there is no real movement or need to go the divorce route, then take the word out of your vocabulary NOW. Become more mature and talk about what's really going on, in the here and now, and deal with it.

But using divorce for leverage is the cheap way to resolve conflict and it rarely works.  Get some help but change your terms.

Second, have you done everything YOU could do to fix things?  Sometimes one of the spouses appears to have quit or given up.  And if that's the other person then I still want to ask you, "Have you tried everything anyway?"  Have you gone for counseling, have you prayed, have you been the spouse you want the other person to be?  Have you confessed your role in the strife (and yes you do have a role).

Ten years from now you at least want to be able to say that you before God did everything you could to save your marriage.  And sometimes, not always, the other spouse will see those changes in you and begin to come around.

Third, what kind of impact are your responses having on the children?  Whatever you do, keep the kids in mind.  Don't let them get hit with unnecessary friendly fire and shrapnel from your arguments, namecalling and petty ways of trying to win the battle. Lay aside your pride, suck it up sometimes and deal with the conflict but only in appropriate ways.

And should you go down the divorce road, still keep those kids in mind. You may have to yield on something that you'd rather not so that your kids can be spared some unncessary hurt. Do it. I know a guy who broke up with a woman he had a relationship with after his marriage ended because of how his ex used that relationship to harm the kids. I admire him.

Finally, remember that your worth comes from God not your spouse. Too many battles go on and on in homes because each spouse is fighting for his or her worth when it's not really on the line. Remember whose you are. Your spouse will never be enough for you so move forward.

Go to the mat for your marriage. Fight for it. Pray about it. Give it all you've got.  It's usually worth it.

Some Praise For Single Parents

I remember years ago when our kids were little that my wife and I were often exhausted. Trying to handle two young children, diapers, laundry, getting them in and out of the car, meals, picking up toys and then finally getting them into bed was sometimes more than we could endure. And there were two of us.

But unless we're a single parent ourselves, we probably don't even think about the incredible challenge it must be for a lone mom or dad to handle parenting by themselves. There is rarely that other person around to pitch in or to take one child while they focus on the other. There's no one to handle kid duties while they clean clothes, take a nap or fix dinner.

And perhaps most importantly there's typically no one to talk to about it. No one to share ideas with about new discipline tactics, changing the rules or just feeling like a failure. Singleness means just that much of the time - you're doing this alone.

And unfortunately even though there are more single parents than ever, we're still pretty much a couples-driven culture. Most every activity, small group and special program seems to work better for married people.  I know that in our church when we speak on marriage we try to be very intentional about remembering that there will be singles in the audience and to be sure that we include them somehow.  But often singles are just left out.

So how might we praise and encourage you single parents who are reading this or those we know? Let me suggest a couple of ways.

First, get to know and build relationships with some singles, especially if you're married. As you learn of some of their needs, be willing to become an advocate for even one single mom or dad by pitching in and helping, becoming a listening ear, sharing resources and inviting them into social settings.

Second, if you're a leader at church, work or in the community, be sure to start thinking about how you can also meet the needs of singles as you plan events, activities and programs. Can you include childcare or even help with transportation?  Are there things your organization could do to specifically meet the needs of single parents?  When people speak do they intentionally mention the singles in the audience?

Third, let a single parent know that you care and notice how hard they work.  Sure, some parents are single largely because of their own doing but that's the exception more than the rule. And even if they did generally put themselves in that spot, they still deserve our love and care. Jesus would do no less. Like many of us do when we see a soldier and thank them for their service, my hunch is that many singles would love to know that we notice the sacrifices they continue to make for their kids.

Fourth, pray specifically for a single or two that you know. It's likely they don't have that many people who will help build them up by asking God for strength, wisdom and direction as they try to parent the best they can.

So, who do you know who's parenting by themselves? Think about how you can start to help and serve them. When you do I'm pretty sure there will be some new lumps in throats and tears in eyes when people notice you really do care and they've not been forgotten.

Finding Gold At Your House

A couple of summers ago my wife and I got to take an Alaskan cruise/tour. As I've talked about it earlier posts it was fantastic and we would go back in a heartbeat.

However, one of the fun things included in our schedule was a stop at a functioning gold mine and the chance to pan for gold. Having never done that before my wife and I like many others were pretty shaky in our technique.

I found myself swirling these little stones, sand and water around being fearful that I was going to lose the flecks of gold in the process. However our instructors reminded us that gold is the heaviest thing in the pan and it will stay there as it settles to the bottom. Sure enough after a good number of minutes we were left with just the gold. I still have those flecks of it in a drawer at home.

So often in life challenges or relationships we too can spend a lot of time on things that don't matter that much and miss the gold.  It's right there in the pan but we get all caught up with the other stuff.  What might gold look like?  Here are a few suggestions.

Gold might be the good things that come out of our challenges.  You may be going through an especially rough period right now.  And when those times come we can start feeling sorry for ourselves or stay focused only on the hard parts. Sometimes we need to see the little gold nuggets of good that are coming out of our climb and be thankful for those.

Gold might be the little positive things a child or spouse does even when we're not getting along or doing well. Go find some gold in that person today and you might look at them differently and handle the resolution of the conflict more positively.

Gold might be an opportunity to help someone else today rather than just focus on your own stuff.

God could be stopping and noticing the miracle of life, a sunrise or a mountain view that takes your breath away.  Stop and see the gold God has put all around you.

Get the idea?  You can find all sorts of gold if you'll just work at it a little. As they used to say, "There's gold in them thar hills," so look for bits of gold in your world.  You'll be richer for it.

Sometimes It's OK To Get A Little Help

I had some time this week with a couple of my grandsons and the oldest, a five-year-old, wanted me to learn the latest version of Angry Birds. However, I had just been exposed to the original one, so I was still a bit of a novice.

Nonetheless, we started into the new Star Wars game and I began to try to learn what all these different birds do. At one point I asked, "How do I get to that pig down there in the corner?"  To which Jeremiah replied, "Grandpa, now watch carefully this time."

He was right. I needed to observe what he did more carefully and spend less time trying to figure it all out by myself.

I think we can learn some similar  lessons ourselves about the hard things we face in our marriages, families or life in general. Sometimes we need to be willing to have others help us. We may need people who have walked the road before us to share their wisdom . . . and we need to listen to them.

We may need finances, food, a gift card, a loan of a cabin or condo to take the pressure off of what we're facing.  And yet so often our pride gets in the way and we refuse.  And we pay the price - emotionally, physically or even spiritually.  We lose out and end up worse off when we don't let the Jeremiah's of the world model healthy behavior for us or share some resources that we desperately need.

If you're going through a hard time get some help. Counseling won't kill you and doesn't mean you're stupid. Have a mentor?  You might consider it. Someone offering to take your kids at certain times so you can get some rest?  Let them do it. It doesn't mean you're a bad parent.

Does a friend or your church want to give you some money to get you through a hard time?  Often we refuse because we think we look bad and can't provide. Let them do it anyway. God put these people in your way for a reason.  We spoil others' opportunity to get a blessing too when we don't let them help.

So, if you're struggling, it might be a good time to listen to someone close to you who has some insights that could be helpful. It's never good to be in the darkness alone.

Sometimes With Our Kids We Have To Let Go

In three days our hearts are going to break - again. No, there's no divorce or funeral or rejection letter coming that I know of at least. Rather, my daughter, son-in-law and two of our grandsons (almost one and three) will be moving from a home fifteen minutes away to over six hours from us.

The two adult kids that we love and their boys who we watched be born, babysat and played with often will suddenly be in another city that requires a good part of a day to reach.

We won't be able to just get in the car last minute and drop by, invite them over for dinner or take the boys to the mall for an hour or two of fun.

Why the move? Well, Amy and David will be involved in a ministry to college students at Texas Tech. They will be making a difference in the lives of students who need God's direction and involvement in their worlds.  They will be loving on people they way we would want our kids to, they will be doing something that matters for eternity. Who in the world doesn't want to see their children grow up to be world-changers?

To be honest, years ago we did the same thing to our parents and to this day don't live nearby either of our moms who are still living. Yes, they had some years like we did being near us and our children but I'm sure they wanted more. We do too. But there are no guarantees. Sometimes we have to let go so that our offspring can be all that God intended for them to be.

In fact a lot of parents never let go even when the kids are nearby. They expect the same involvement every weekend or holiday, they continue to make decisions for them and even obligate them to stay close through large loans or gifts of money and other resources.

The reality is that our children were merely on loan to us in the first place. And yes we have a right to long for and enjoy those years we do get to be near them. We plan to do as much as we can to be involved in our kids and their kids' lives during the years ahead. But we dare not stand in the way or use guilt or other manipulations to somehow keep everyone together. That's usually more about our getting our own way than about letting our kids fly and blossom wherever God calls them to be.

There are several haunting and poignant verses about this in the Gospels, one of which is found in Matthew 10:37, a portion of which says, Anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. I like to joke that it doesn't include grandsons or granddaughters but that misses the point.

Sometime God may ask us to accept the fact that He may want our kids to go somewhere that is not near us. God may ask them to even go overseas. And our faith and commitment will be stretched like never before. Thankfully, technology is allowing us to connect in ways we didn't even dream about a few years ago. 

Nonetheless, the tears will still come and the lump in the throat may persist for awhile. It won't be the same as having them down the street or in the next community. But it will be worth it and God will honor our sacrifice. Let's not mess up the great things God wants to do in the precious children He gave us by simply refusing to let go of the rope we've had around them all these years.

Remember, God had to let go of His Son for awhile, too.

Being There For Hurting People

Recently, I put a quote from one of my graduate school/seminary teachers, Larry Crabb, on my Facebook page and got quite a response. The quote was simply this, "People are hurting more deeply than we know." Lots of people apparently resonated with that thought. What prompted me to think of that yesterday? Running into more hurting people through what I do as a pastor and counselor.

But what's interesting is that you don't always know that others are troubled. In fact, most of the time you don't. Some of the most together people we know, however, are dying on the inside. Their marriage is a wreck, they feel like a failure, they have an illness that could be terminal, their kids are struggling, they just lost their job, they feel like God has left them, they're exhausted and discouraged or a thousand other things.

Why don't people typically open up, even to their spouse, their parents or close friends? One reason is fear. Fear that others will look at them less favorably, fear of appearing weak, fear of not having it all together.

A second reason is probably time. We're so busy and there is so little margin in our worlds, that we often don't have time to share our story or listen to another's so we simply keep things light and move right past one another.

A third reason is likely past experiences. When we've told someone else we're hurting, we may have gotten a trite, "Yeah, I know what you mean," or been given an easy answer or gotten the impression that somehow if we just trusted God more we wouldn't be struggling. Sometimes people don't keep your story confidential and others who didn't need to know found out.

So we have to assume that people around us, even closest to us, probably have struggles, even deep pain, but won't just come out and tell us. And I know we can't solve everyone's problems but we can listen to someone today who needs to tell their story. I don't even know how that will always happen but I have a couple of suggestions for those of you who don't have people walk into their office and just open up (and I don't either by the way, at least a lot of the time).

First, pray for someone to encourage today and then have your eyes open. You never know who it will be or where they will show up. Second, listen for when a person may want to tell you more. Sometimes your merely saying, "Wow, sounds like this is a tough time for you," can open the door for a longer conversation. If not, don't push it.

Third, start by having your radar on for those closest to you. Ask yourself, "Does my spouse or do my kids know that I'm available and that I care about their hurts too? Do I make myself available and do I talk about things that really matter or hurt me? Have I sent the message that it's OK to not have life all together? When they do talk about hard things how do I respond?"

Yes, people are hurting more deeply than we know. And if you're the one doing the hurting, then ask God to bring a great listener and encourager into your world too. In the meantime, be that to someone else. It could change how you see your world today.