Avoiding Friendly Fire At Your House

War has many unpleasant outcomes - debilitating injuries, time away from home and challenging stresses and emotional issues long after time of service finishes.  And of course the worst result of all is death - the loss of a mother, daughter, son, father, brother or sister. Life is never the same after that.

However, there is one kind of death that makes the situation even harder to bear. Death or injury from friendly fire. Someone gets hurt or killed accidentally by the bullets or bombs of one of their own.  As I write this our country is celebrating our independence on the 4th of July but that independence came with great cost including some who were lost but were inadvertently taken away through the error of a fellow soldier or team.

Sadly, there are friendly fire results in many homes that are also tragic and could have been avoided as well. Children, spouses and parents can all be the recipients of explosions and other ammunition that gets shot into a home or family.  Let me talk about some that could actually be stopped or deflected if we will just stop and admit it is there.

Verbal assaults.  Name-calling, shouting, rage and put downs are common in many households.  People may not even think they were making a big deal or hurting someone else through their words but it happens all the time. Children begin to think they are bad all the time, spouses are told how stupid or dumb they are and just an angry tone of voice can be devastating.

Proverbs remind us that death and life are in the power of the tongue.

Unreasonable expectations. Some parents won't accept anything from their children less than their being number one, getting an "A" or winning. The implication even in their compliments is that the results should have been better. How do I know this is a problem in many families?  Because I talk almost every week to these kids who are now grown ups in my counseling office and they are still paying the price of their parents unfair desires for them.

Selfish decisions.  Many adults in the middle of an affair, a divorce, financial struggles and a host of other things make quick, inward focused decisions without considering who else in the family might be affected. I wrote recently of this in a post about divorce but it happens in myriad situations. Often couples are so mad at each other that they will yell, scream, deceive, conjur and manipulate to get their own way not realizing that several other sets of eyes are watching and hearts are breaking.

My hunch is that you can think of some more settings where friendly fire can take its toll.  Look at yourself and your situation and ask God to show you where those situations might be.  Or if the ones I've discussed here are true of you, decide today to make a change now.

The battle is tough enough without hurting those you love in the process.

Breaking the Orbit of Abuse

This is a post I'd rather not write but I must. That's because in spite of the fact that we'd like to think that abuse only happens in marriages and homes that are overtly dysfunctional, that's not true.

Abuse is often a secret. Abusers don't usually abuse other people. Usually it's just their own spouse or kids. Unlike a lot of popular thought abusers can usually look and sound wonderful when they need to. And what spouse wants anyone to think that their home is a mess? Kids who are abused are typically threatened with their life if they tell anyone.

Abusers can be religious, Christian, even church leaders. Sometimes abuse is actually carried out based on erroneous beliefs that their spouse or child is not acting appropriately enough and must be punished accordingly by them. Of course abuse is often physical or sexual, but sometimes it's emotional or verbal making it easier to mask but no less harmful.

And it's wrong to assume that all abusers were abused themselves.

However, it's often difficult to get an abuser to face his or her abuse because they don't believe their actions are abusive. "Oh, I get a little angry now and then," or "Sure, I push the kids hard but I'm just trying to be confident they do their best," or "I was just joking! I'm a kidder, you know," are often the mantras of abusers.

But there's not enough room in a post like this to discuss all the causes, signs and results of abuse. I simply want to talk about breaking the cycle if you sense or know there is abuse in your home. An excellent book by Lundy Bancroft called Why Does He Do That? is worth getting if you're not sure and you need some solid insights and research to help you know. And while this book talks about men who abuse, women are not exempt.

So how do you start to break the cycle once you know there's abuse in your relationship or home? First of all, you must continue to accept that the abuse is real. As I suggested above, abusers are manipulators and they will do everything they can including feign religious conversion to keep you from doing anything to disrupt their control and patterns. Don't assume that because they were able to change for a day, week or month that they will no longer abuse.

Second, get help. You cannot deal with this alone because your perspective is likely skewed. Connect with a counselor, pastor, small group leader or support group to help you take the wisest next steps. If you can get the abuser to become a part of the helping network that's a plus but again remember he (or she) can easily change long enough to pretend that they've really made progress or aren't really that bad.

Third, make safety a high priority. Have a safe place to go if necessary. If you need to leave your home for awhile do it. You may have to call the police and make a statement that you mean business. If your children are being harmed in some way get them out of the situation now, even if it's only temporary. Don't make the mistake of thinking, "Oh, maybe tomorrow night things will be better." They won't be better even if they appear that way.

Fourth, remind yourself often that the abuse is not really about you. No, none of us are perfect, but the abuse being heaped upon you is not your fault. It's the abuser's problem and they will have to deal with it one way or another.

It's essential that you make a move when abuse comes into your home. You can take the first step in breaking this cycle even if it is hard. Start now. Trust God to walk through this with you and to bring the people alongside that you need to help.