Don't Even Come Close To An Affair

This week I've run into two more marriages and families that are on the ropes because of affairs. And I'm sad every time as I see the tears and feel the despair the wounded spouse faces when they learn of the betrayal and accompanying deception. I pray for the children who are often involved, many of them old enough to understand and feel the sting of their parent's mistakes.

I wish I could take away their anger, confusion and bitterness over what has happened between the two people they loved the most. I wish I could shorten the road ahead of them. But I can't. Even when a couple is willing to do the hard work of restoration, forgiveness and repair, the journey must be a fairly long one. The scars do not heal quickly and trust is not easily returned.

The patterns that the affair brought to light are usually difficult to change. The underlying issues must be probed and the couple must face that there were significant weaknesses in their marriage as well. That's pretty hard, especially for the wounded spouse whose insides have just been torn out.

But this post is about prevention not the cure. I only mention the steep road that follows an affair to perhaps give us all pause so that we won't go there.

What does it take to keep an affair from injuring and perhaps destroying your marriage? Unfortunately there are no 1-2-3 step plans with guarantees but there are some basic attitudes and actions that marriages who stay strong enlist on a regular basis.

First of all, avoid one-on-one opposite sex relationships - period. I'm convinced that non-married men and women cannot have exclusive friendship, work or ministry relationships. I know I'll get heat on this one, but I'm pretty convinced it's true. The reason is that intimacy involves body, soul and spirit. And in a friendship the soul and spirit typically get very close. There is sharing, praying together, building up of one another and the like.

Those are all good things in and of themselves but they become dangerous when the friends are of the opposite sex. Sharing of soul and spirit invite more physical closeness. It's only natural. God wired us that way. So if at all possible (and it usually is) don't be working, eating, friending or ministering alone with someone of the opposite sex. Have others involved and that will help keep inappropriate attractions from happening.

Second, stay accountable to someone who you trust and who will ask you the hard questions. We're all human and can be attracted to someone else even in the best of circumstances. But if you have someone regularly asking you, "Are you attracted to anyone these days?" or "Are you going anywhere or looking at anything you shouldn't? you will not want to have to answer "yes" very often.

Third, build healthy intimacy at home. Don't let activities and kid demands crowd out your intimate time with your spouse. Put time together on the calendar if you have to. Leave some margin in every day to talk, deal with problems and enjoy each other physically. Spend special, uninterrupted time together. Make intimacy at home so attractive other forms of intimacy pale in comparison.

Finally, pray. Pray for yourself, your spouse and for those you will encounter that day. Jesus was of course wise in the Lord's Prayer when he told us to pray about temptation and being delivered of evil. If He could pray it, then we should as well.

Imagine yourself sitting in your living or family room telling your kids that you were unfaithful. That scene alone should scare us enough but it probably won't unless we're proactive in protecting ourselves and our marriage. Don't even come close, OK?

The Making of an "Affair" part 2

In my last post I talked about how affairs start and progress. The first stage occurs when we become vulnerable. We're not communicating, we're hurting from a major loss, some aspect of life is especially trying or we simply quit paying attention to one another. During those times we can find comfort with another person of the opposite sex which can lead to what I call engagement.

We don't intend to be unfaithful but through a simple conversation or two, coffee, a lunch, some back and forth bantering, an internet connection or regular interactions within a group, we start to become attracted, at least on an emotional level. We may see our connection with them as innocent but because it feels so much better than how things seem in our marriage we go back for more.

And if we continue to become more intimate in soul and spirit with the other person the next step can lead to a physical betrayal and adultery. In fact, as I said last time the betrayal already began and the affair had actually started emotionally. However, once the physical line is crossed the road back becomes more difficult and painful.

Marriages can be devastated, ministries lost and reputations ruined. Spouses usually have to face coworkers, family and friends telling them through their tears what happened and how they've let them down. Many spouses unfortunately make it worse by continuing to try to cover up the truth rather than facing the facts and dealing with them.

So let me talk first to those who have entered into an affair whether it's known or not. Stop now. No excuses. Stop. Your marriage can make it but the road you're on is a road to more damage and pain not health. Get some help from a friend, pastor and/or counselor. Come clean and do the right thing.

Don't hurt your spouse, children and marriage any more by waiting. You will have to face a long journey of counseling, discussions, changing of habits and the like. There is no shortcut. And there is no guarantee that your marriage will make it. But if you are Christ followers you have a much better chance to get through it. In fact, eighty percent of marriages impacted by an affair stay together although sometimes they don't remain in a healthy marriage.

Become accountable to someone for the rest of your life. Being in community with others who love you will pay incredible dividends. Determine that you will do whatever it takes to restore the marriage relationship you committed to years before.

But let me secondly suggest to all of us what we can do now to help avoid compromising our marriage vows or getting into that situation again. First, don't have exclusive close associations with members of the opposite sex. Jackie and I together have female friends, but I alone don't have my own female friends.

I don't even go to coffee or meet in a restaurant with any women alone. I want to do everything I can to guard against any inappropriate connection or the impression of one. I also don't want to risk a relationship with another female that is attractive even for a short while.

If you're in a setting where regular connections with the opposite sex are required or regular (I am), then set up appropriate and healthy boundaries. Make your decisions now what you will and won't do. It's better to be overly careful without being an annoyance or rude. But if your employer, for example, is unwilling to work with you on those boundaries, seriously consider your options at that job. I realize that may not seem very practical in our current economy but how practical is it to lose your marriage.

Second, keep growing in marital intimacy. Couples who are talking to one another regularly don't need to find someone else to talk to about their struggles. Couples who are praying for one another and growing in their faith aren't tempted to find spiritual connections somewhere else. If you serve others together you'll grow tremendously and help anchor your relationship. Because you see, unfortunately the church and other seemingly safe places are often where many affairs start.
Also, keep evaluating with each other how you can make more time together, get away from time to time and work on your relationship in general. Make time to enjoy your physical relationship too. I like to say that if you don't seduce your spouse now and then, someone else might!

Third, get help when you need it. There's nothing wrong with letting someone else look into your marriage and help you walk through the rough spots. Guarding your heart is your responsibility and it will protect one of the most important possessions and relationships you'll ever have. And it's worth it!

The Making of an "Affair" part 1

This is a topic I'd rather not be writing about but it's too important and relevant to skip. I deal with couples every week who have been torn apart by inappropriate relationships with the opposite sex. I see the pain and long agonizing months and even years it will take to bring healing and reconciliation.

I also sadly observe the couples who don't make it because the pain is too great and/or one or both won't accept the hard work it will take to be restored. Add to that children who can be impacted by it all and it makes you wonder why anyone would risk facing all this.

However, what I want to make sure we all understand, including me, is how vulnerable any marriage can be to an affair. That's because the majority of affairs do not just happen. There were several stages that the offender went through most likely thinking that there would never be a problem. Unfortunately, they were wrong.

So let me in this first post on this important topic suggest some of the dangerous phases of our relationships and their warning signals that can help us avoid the tragedy of an affair.

We must first be aware of and address the times when our marital relationship is vulnerable. Our relationship is particularly at risk when . . . there is significant stress (which is most of the time), when we're not communicating well, when we've gone through a difficult emotional experience such as death, job loss or other personal challenge.

We can be vulnerable when we're too busy to spend significant, intimate time with each other and our relationship is just on auto-pilot or in orbit. We are in danger when our children's attention and activities are allowed to rob us of meaningfully connecting with our spouse.

The problem is that when we're hurting and not relating with our spouse, we can easily be attracted to someone else who does connect with us. They may be the associate at work, the volunteer or staff person at church or even a neighbor who simply shows us a little attention. But when we talk to them they listen, they're interested in us, they follow-up concerning our struggle or even pray for us!

In those times of need some meaningful interest from another person, interest that we're not getting from our spouse for whatever reason, is like a cup of cold water in the desert. It tastes wonderful and without thinking much about it we long for more. So we find ourselves wanting talk to them a little more, spend a bit more time with them, send them one more email/text or even consider having coffee or lunch. That leads to the second stage which I'll call engagement.

We start to connect with this other person beyond our normal relating. We can begin to take risks and not care because the thrill of having another person care about us seems so worth it.

Of course, we disguise it by saying it's nothing or it's just for business. We call them just a good friend and a person whose wisdom and advice we find helpful. But without knowing it we could be on our way to an affair. Why?

Well, intimacy is more than physical, contrary to much of Hollywood's perspective. Intimacy involves body, soul and spirit. When we start to expose our soul and spirit to someone of the opposite sex, we're starting to become intimate with them. Is that necessarily all wrong? Of course not. But it's dangerous because the physical was designed by God to work in tandem with soul and spirit in men and women.

This is why affairs are so prominent among religious leaders, counselors, doctors and therapists - there is much soul and spirit connecting that goes on between those leaders and those they work with every day. Now obviously an affair does not need to be the result but we must be intentional about doing our part to keep things from escalating beyond appropriateness.

Because if we're not careful we'll at some point move to the next stage - betrayal. Yes, in some sense the betrayal has likely already started but at this point a significant line is crossed. That line is usually a sexual relationship that has started but it doesn't have to be physical. It may be emotional but the connection is at a new level. The spouse begins talking and relating to that other person about things that are deep within. They share words meant only for their spouse but they don't care anymore.

They may even take their "spirituality" to a new place, praying for each other, sharing Bible verses and being involved more deeply in serving together. It may sound and look acceptable but it's not.

If you find yourself at this place or headed in this direction, I want to plead with you right now to stop. Get some help. Talk to someone. Quit the relationship today. The consequences are too great. God said that we're to give ourselves only to our spouse and he said that for our good.

I'll talk next time about some practical things you can do to keep yourself from ever getting to this place. In the meantime, as Proverbs 4 says, guard your heart.

Marriage Insurance - Guard Your Heart.

The wisdom-filled book of Proverbs in chapter 4, verse 23 suggests a profound and vital guideline for life in general and certainly for our marriages: Above all else, guard your heart. We must remember that while we may be totally committed to our spouse and have the best of intentions in every situation, our hearts can be swayed by another.

This can be especially true during times when our normal communication and interactions with one another are strained or limited. This can happen during extended times of separation, one of us having an illness, our children being new or very young and when our marriage hits other rocky spots.

If we're not on guard, another person's attention, interest, listening ear and even spiritual maturity towards us can become very attractive, filling a need that isn't being met at home. There may be absolutely no desire to be involved with one another but we can start to connect on a soul level that can fill an empty place in us that feels wonderful at the time. We can start to want to be with them even more because their attention feels like a cup of cold water in the desert.

This is often how affairs start. A physical connection comes but only after the soul and spirit were joined. And let's not be naive here. Inappropriate relationships between two married people or a married person and another often take place in Christian settings including the church. Christians often spend large amounts of times as leaders, church staff and the like getting close to one another through ministry, prayer, meetings and activities.

Picture the worship team, for example, who regularly practice, encourage one another and pray together. They're doing things that matter for God's glory and have wonderfully fulfilling times being with one another.

Those kinds of situations are usually a good thing but only we guard our hearts! Keep male and female relationships appropriate. You may think our approach is too strong but I'll share it with you any way. Jackie and I never have coffee or a meal alone with someone else of the opposite sex who isn't a relative. I never counsel with a woman alone when there isn't someone else in another office nearby. In addition my assistant always knows she's there.

We are committed to guarding our hearts. Neither of us have opposite sex friends who aren't also the friend of our spouse. Once a number of years ago I was counseling a female college student at my church and she locked her keys in her car. She asked if I would be willing to take her the short fifteen minutes into her apartment on campus to get her keys.

My response was that I'd be happy to do that but I needed to see if my wife could go along. Sure enough Jackie was able to join me and we took her to get her extra set of keys. You know, that was an important decision for me to make for me, but it sent a strong message to Jackie as well that I'm not going to take risks with our relationship. Was a college student interested in an old guy like me? Hardly. But guarding my heart was just as important as protecting her whether that mattered to her or not.

We've all seen relationships implode because of immorality or an affair, haven't we? And I know I've rarely seen that happen without drastic consequences. No one's ever said to me, "You know, Gary, I'm kind of glad that affair happened. It really has worked out for the best for me and my family." Instead, there is deep heartache, hurt and pain that stays for years. Even if healing and restoration occur (and they can), the process is long and involved.

Save your marriage from all that. Put up some appropriate, but wise barriers now and let God help you guard your heart!