Avoiding the Quicksand of Entitlement In Your House

Every year the Johnson's go skiing in Aspen during their school system's winter break. Annually the Allen's go to Florida for Christmas. The Ryder family hasn't missed attending the Rose Bowl in decades. When a new phone comes out the Thompson's always upgrade right away.

Deidre has a shopping spree with mom every fall and spring to make sure she has the latest clothes. And the kids at the Franklin's always get to go to the best camps in the city to improve their athletic abilities. And none of them have ever ridden in a car that is more than two or three years old.

Now of course there is nothing wrong with family traditions, enjoying special opportunities, owning nice things or having a luxurious trip now and then. But many families make the mistake of providing each other and their children with what can easily become expected advantages, not privileges. Rather than learning to look forward to something that isn't the norm, the family can begin to feel entitled to those things and become angry if they don't get them.

What are we teaching our kids in the process? We may even be teaching them that they are entitled to be happy, be comfortable, always be first, have the best and not want for much of anything. And yet the Bible is filled with reminders of how important it is to learn to be content no matter what we have or do not have.

Let me suggest a few things that can keep you and your family from the entitlement trap or quicksand?

First, don't necessarily do too many special things EVERY year. Break things up by going and serving somewhere, even at home, instead. Make some of your trips or luxuries something you do every two or three years. Let special opportunities remain special.

Second, give more away as a family. Give your service as I mentioned or money or other resources. Teach your kids to save some money to help somebody else. Perhaps provide a trip or special gift for a single mom and her kids to enjoy. Teach your kids to give back to God through your church which will be used locally and around the world.

Third, talk about and experience the more important idea of enjoying each other in simpler ways. Spend some time playing games, talking, doing some fun things locally and having people over to your home. Don't allow individual activity and gain substitute for relationship with each other. Again, consider using your home and other resources as a way to care for and enjoy each other and the people around you.

Fourth, pray together about other opportunities to give not get. Spend regular time talking about and telling God thank you for the many ways you are blessed apart from all the perks and special things you get to do.

You see, we need to remember that everything we have is from God anyway.  He's just loaned it to us for now. To become entitled simply says to God we think we deserve it. And the problem is that we don't.

Top Five Things NOT To Do As A Parent

There are lots of things parents do and don't do that are certainly unique and special in their home. Even things like discipline can vary from family to family depending on the size of the family, setting and personalities involved.

However, after decades of parenting and counseling others, I'm pretty convinced of at least five things that parents should definitly stay away from no matter the nature of their household.  And yet as you look at the list I'll bet that you've done at least a few if not more of these. Read the list and then consider some better options that I'll throw in.

5. Don't try to get your kids to behave by yelling louder.  Yelling should be reserved for when our child is about to be injured, but not to get t hem to act. It's our actions that will get our kids to obey more than the tone of our voice.

4.  Don't forget to follow through on your promises - good or bad.  Discipline tanks when we are inconsistent.  When spouses have different rules and expectations or even as a single parent when we do one thing one time and something else another.  Say what you mean and mean what you say. 

3.  Don't try to be like them. Too many parents are trying to be their child or teen's friend before being their parent. As a result we give in more and often still try to live vicariously through them. Many parents are still trying to dress and talk like them too and if the kids are honest they hate it when we do that so stop.

2. Don't fight with your spouse in front of them. Of course we've all had those split-second moments when something flared up between us with the kids right there. But wise parents don't continue the argument with the kids as spectators. Yes, kids need to know that parents may not get along sometimes but they also need to be shown how to take the next step. Let them see you talk about how you're going to work through things and resolve them . . . somewhere else.

1. Don't trivialize your faith. So many parents make their love for Jesus and belief in God a little nice practice that the family engages in every week. They make sure they get their church time in and maybe even get the kids to the camps and other special programs. But it's essential that we teach and model for our children that our faith is the center of who we are and what we do, not just a fraction.

You can find other blog posts on each of these ideas by going through the index. But if you find any of these cropping up in your parenting . . . just say no.

When and Why Do Our Heroes Fall?

Well, it looks like Lance Armstrong's explanations have run out. He appears to be guilty of doping during the years he was winning cycling's greatest race. A lot of us have been let down again, haven't we? I used to live in Austin, Texas, Lance's hometown. Ugh.

And while many will still support him and others will want him crucified, I plan to do neither. But it is worth a look at why our heroes fall so much of the time and how we should respond. What can we learn that puts it all into perspective and reminds us of what is really true?

I mean how many times will we have to sigh huge sighs when another Tiger or U.S. senator or famous minister or movie star takes a personal or moral dive? Probably lots because it will happen again and again. So we need to re-think some things about what a hero really is and the kind of role they should or should not play in our lives.

First of all, there is a place for heroes. They are good to have as long as we don't worship them. Heroes can give us healthy role models to emulate, standards to aspire to and the inspiration to work harder at what we want to accomplish.

But second, we have forgotten that heroes are human just like us. While many of them truly do amazing things and accomplish feats few will copy, they still mess up. They lie, cheat and even steal sometimes. They never were what we probably believed them to be: superhuman? invincible? perfect?  No, their humanity doesn't excuse their often pitiful behavior, but it shouldn't surprise us.  It wouldn't shock us if we initially assumed that they were just everyday people who just happened to be very disciplined and accomplished.

Third, popularity and fame are dangerous entities and the human tendency is to hold on to them no matter the cost. Once the seduction of being sought after, winning all the time and enjoying the myriad perks takes hold, it's difficult to admit anything that could force someone to let go of it all. It seems like Lance finally tired of the charade. Most people just eventually get caught in the act and have no choice. Either way it's ultimately better but there is always a fight and there are always consequences.

Fourth, we need to find and recognize better heroes. And the good news is that they are all around us. They are parents who love their kids even when times are tough, they are service men and women along with police and firefighters who protect us. They include people with disabilities and other challenges who persevere and live meaningful lives anyway. They are giving men and women who serve others in soup kitchens, ministries, churches and agencies out of love for their God and others.

Yes, while there will be others who we've deemed as heroes who will fall, we will be less disappointed if we remember that the ones typically given the title of hero are not. Most of the real heroes will never be famous or rich or write a book, star on TV or play in the Super Bowl. But once we find those genuine heroes, they will change us and be less likely to ever let us down.

Our Kids Will Be Like Us . . . At Least In Some Ways

Some of us are old enough to remember the classic ballad The Cats In The Cradle by Harry Chapin. The song hauntingly tells the tale of a father who was too busy for his son during his growing up years. But when the son became an adult he also was too busy for his dad and it turns out the son had become just like his dad.

Most of us want our kids to think highly of us, be like us in some ways and feel like they learned some important things about life, faith and what is really important. But we must remember that our kids will also learn things that we'd rather they didn't emulate.  And if we're wise we'll remember that truth as we raise our kids and be willing to stop a few things that they may bring into their home someday.

Let me suggest a few.

Stop using language you don't want them to use. Sure we all have our moments when a word or phrase slips out in the heat of our anger or frustration. But some parents have made dirty, caustic language the norm. They barely raise their voice about something and an expletive or two flies out. Maybe we don't aim those words at our children, but they hear them nonetheless. You can express even your emotions with language that still builds up and helps calm the situation rather than ignite it.

Stop living a life without margin. If you never rest, slow down or take it easy your kids won't either, at least as they get older. They will think that success and self-worth come from accomplishments and busyness rather than from the Creator who made them. They won't learn how to develop healthy, meaningful relationship and how to enjoy other people without having an agenda. Learn to say "no" and help your kids understand the same thing.

Stop suggesting that your faith is more about religion than relationship. Quit going to church because that's what you do on the weekend. Quit implying that your Bible reading and prayer are mere rituals that you do at the appropriate time but rarely discuss as meaningful, real and life-changing. Serve others more, become involved in your local fellowship and teach your kids yourself about the Bible, your faith and your relationship with God.

Stop just trying to get more stuff - more money, house, cars or whatever. Your kids will quickly learn what is most important by how you spend your resources. Do you spend most of your energy to get more or give more? Have you been subtly modeling that happiness most likely comes from having the most of everything?  Show them that less is more, especially when you're focused on others and not yourselves.

You see, your kids WILL be like you in some way. And most of us adults know that there are some things we are happy our parents taught us. But there are others we wish would never have reared their heads in our homes. The good news is that if your kids are still at home you have a chance to limit that negative list. Do something about it now.

The Power of Modeling In Your Home

I was at a friend's house recently where his family owned two dogs. One was a small Shorkey puppy while the other was an older mix. As I reached down to pet the lovable  white pup, my friend pointed out how oddly the dog was sitting up against the counter wall.

And  he was right. The little guy was sort of hunched up with part of its behind against the wall while it's front was at a funny angle. Nonetheless, the dog looked comfortable and happy. My friend explained that the older dog had endured some serious hip and hind legs problems for years so was forced to sit that way all the time. The puppy, who had lived his whole life around the elder one, had apparently decided that was the way all dogs sit and as a result did the same.

I saw the comparison to people right away. Do you?  Dysfunction is modeled and passed on to others even if there's no reason for the others to adopt it. They see it over and over and begin to think of that as normal.

In fact, sometimes our homes are havens for major inappropriate behaviors but we don't see them. That's why it's important to get some periodic input from certain wise people who don't live where we live.

Who? First, consider a personal or marriage mentor. Spend regular time with a same sex friend or insightful individual who will simply speak honestly with you about your home, marriage, personality, etc.  A couple can do the same if you're a couple.

Ask them to think through your home, your life, your ways of responding and tell you if they see anything that seems abnormal to them. You can find them in your church, community or even workplace by starting with someone you really respect and you sense is probably a bit wiser than you. Sometimes churches even have ministries where such people can be found.

A second option is a professional counselor - therapist, pastor trained in counseling, or psychologist.  You don't have to be royally messed up to see someone like this. They, however, can help you sort out any significant issues or dysfunctions that may be impacting your home or friendships. They can go deeper into problematic areas. The small investment in time and perhaps money will be well worth it.

Third, do a self-assessment. Take inventory and ask yourself, "What do I do that may not be healthy for our home or my relationships?" Be bold, be honest and be ruthless. Consider praying for help on this. Remember, like the little dog, your unhealthy and healthy ways of responding will likely be copied by those who live around you, especially the young "puppies" in your home.

The old song lyric from Cats in The Cradle is so true . . . my boy was just like me, he grew up just like me.  Wouldn't it be great if we could answer with, "And I'm glad he did."

Our Kids Have A Front Row Seat to Us.

Periodically, I see tendencies in me that remind me of my parents. And while sometimes that's a positive, many times I just say, "Oh no!"  I've become one of them. I'd like to blame it all on genetics, but most of the time it's just modeling. I learned to do things their way, right or wrong.

That's a pretty important reality for us when we become parents ourselves. Because everyday our children have a front row seat to our marriage, our parenting, our spirituality and our way of handling challenges.  And of course while they can and should learn from our imperfections, it's vital that we model healthy thinking, attitudes and behaviors in front of them.  If not, they, too, will acquire parts of us that we wish they would have never gotten.

So let's start with this question:  What do you do in front of your kids that would be better not done at all or taken to another room? Here are a few things I would consider keeping separate from them for the most part:  bad language, personal information, other people's business, the crux of your husband and wife differences and arguing, discussions about the specifics of discipline, and other age-inappropriate issues.

Second, what subtle lessons are you or you and your spouse teaching them?  For example, are they learning that you really don't mean what you say because you don't show up when you say you will and you don't follow through with what you said would happen?  Or are they figuring out that they really can't say what they think about anything because all you tend to do is keep them quiet whenever they have an idea or suggestion?

What are they embracing about how husbands and wives treat each other?  Do they ever hear you say affirming words to your spouse or see you give appropriate affection around the house?  Do you exhibit good manners and act politely to them, your spouse and others?  How do they see you spend your money?  Do you give to others and to God?

Third, what do they learn is important in life from you?  Money, fame, success, activities and possessions or something far more important and longlasting.

It would be worth it for us to take inventory sometime of ourselves or our marriage, stepping back to imagine what our kids are learning from us as they sit in the front row seat of our home.  There's always time to change things but it will be getting shorter every day.

Best Parenting Teen Ideas - part 2

Most parents warily face the prospect of their children moving from child to adolescent.  It can be scary, overwhelming and the cause for many parents simply to drop their children off at a relative's home for 6 years.

However, there are a few ways to make the transition a little less stressful.  First of all, gradually give your kids more and more responsibilities and appropriate freedoms.  You need to let them know that you actually want them to grow up and be an adult (and to get out of the house, but don't say this). Therefore, you're going to give them more liberties but with that come some adult-like expectations.

For example, they may get to adjust their bedtime a bit more but at the same time they are now going to help more with evening meals, the laundry, yard work or whatever. Don't let too many activities keep them from this important involvement in your home either. Just because they work hard at football practice or cheerleading doesn't mean they should get the evening off.  And if they are doing too much for them to be an active participant in your home then cut something and simply say "no."

Second, talk to them.  You've seen the commercials about drugs, smoking and the like where parents are challenged to talk to their kids about both the joys and dangers of life.  The commercials ironically are right.  We need to keep the stage set for dialogue.  Now some of you are already responding with, "But my teenager won't talk to me."  And yes, some kids are more open and verbal than others.

But I'm pretty convinced we let our kids off the hook by first not starting to talk to them openly at an early age and secondly letting them beg out of talking to us.  We can help things by not turning our talking into an interrogation.  Don't simply badger them with questions.  Simply ask them to tell you about their day or some specific part of it.  Don't freak out when they tell you something a bit "out there" either.  Ask them to tell you more about that, then go crazy later when they're not around.

Finally, consider a 13 year old challenge. This is where at around age 13 you give them a six month or yearlong project to grow spiritually, intellectually, socially and physically.  And in each of these areas you put together things they will need to do during that time period which can help them become more mature and prepare for their future.

For example, we had a book list for them to read.  We had a savings goal for them to reach. We required that they job shadow three people, one in Christian ministry, during that time.  You can be as creative as you want with this.  What's the reward?  We made payday that they would receive an equal amount from us to what they saved during that time as long as they met all the requirements. In additions we would do something else special with them.

A quick update?  Our son Tim spent one of his job shadowing days with the manager of a local, Christian radio station.  Guess what he's doing today? 

The teen years can be challenging but they can also be some of the most rewarding as we see our kids grow and mature.  So maybe you need to go back to Aunt Sally's and get those kids. What do you say?

Parenting on the Straight and "Arrow"

I'm sitting here at my desk looking at a stack of pictures of our grandkids we've taken the past of couple of weeks during the Christmas holidays. What special memories and moments those photos represent! I wouldn't trade one of those times for anything.

I am also beaming with pride over my children and their spouses who I see so diligently and passionately trying to raise those precious little ones with godly wisdom and practical insight. They reminded me once again of how important being intentional is when it comes to pursuing effective parenting.

Psalm 127:3, 4 say that our children are a reward and heritage from God. In one of the few Psalms written by Solomon we read, "Like arrows in the hands of a warrior" are the children born to us when we are young. That image of our children being arrows is one that we as parents can learn from and must not miss.

First of all, remember that part of our parenting involves a battle. I wish it weren't true but there are lots of powers out there fighting for our kids' attention and minds - the media, advertisers, writers, policiticians and the like. We must help our kids face and respond to all sorts of wrong thinking and misguided approaches to life that they will encounter during their lives in our homes and beyond.

While we certainly should also teach our kids to love others, be like Jesus and respond to even those who disagree with grace and kindness, we must also help them to stand for what is right, good and holy. Don't leave their strength and battle-ready training to someone else.

Second, the Psalm writer's picture of an archer reminds us that the warrior must prepare for battle and know how to use the weapons he or she has been given. Unfortunately, when that new child enters our home the baby doesn't come with an owner's manual! Our training as parents largely comes from the home we grew up in and that may or may not have been that great of a learning center. Even if we had a terrific home, the skills we might use to parent weren't always that obvious during our growing up years.

It would have been nice if someone would have told us how to perform the day to day parenting tasks, too, especially during the most challenging of times.

Thankfully, there are ways to learn how to parent better - books, church classes, mentors, blogs like this one and a host of other resources. If you're struggling with your parenting, no matter what age your children are, seek out some help from wise counselors, friends, pastors and others who you respect. There are many ideas and tools out there that you can apply to your situation if you'll just take the time to seek them out.

Third, the archer must not only shoot the arrow. It must be aimed! This is where we must become intentional and not just let life in our home happen. Ask yourself, what is it that we (or I) believe God wants me to accomplish with my kids? Make a list. Then ask yourself, what am I intentionally doing right now to point my children in that direction? Am I shooting my parenting arrows toward the target?

I've talked about some of this in earlier posts so go back and read some of the other entries in this blog regarding spiritual training, discipline and character building. However, the bottom line is take time to plan how you're going to train your children in the way they should go. (Proverbs 22:6). Yes, many things are taught and caught through how we live out everyday life.

However, sometimes we have to go further. For example, when our kids were entering middle school or so, we did what we called their 13 Year Old Challenge. Over the course of the year we designed a one-year program that encouraged them to develop physically, socially, intellectually/emotionally and spiritually. We gave them a list of books to read. There was a job-shadowing list where they got experience in the work world and a taste of what they might like to do someday.

Ironically, our son Tim chose to spend one of his days with the manager of a local Christian radio station. Guess what he does for a living today? You never know. We also provided spiritual growth opportunities that would help them deepen their faith. At the end was a financial incentive as well that matched the amount of money we encouraged them to save during that year. While it wasn't a perfect idea, we do know that both of our kids benefitted from that exercise and we sensed that we were targeting some very specific objectives in each child's maturation process.

If you're a parent God gave you an arrow or two or three to shoot in a direction that will make a difference. How's your target practice going? Wherever you are in your parenting it's never too late to start shooting straighter. Pull back the string and see what happens!

Parenting: Helping Your Kids See Themselves Appropriately

There is one key concept that too many parents these days are neglecting in their parenting. The world (or universe) does not revolve around them. Now I love my kids (and grandkids) with all my heart. I get tears in my eyes everytime I think about how terrific my grown children are and when I have to leave the grandkids and return home.

And we've desired with all our hearts to help our kids develop their gifts, spread their wings and learn to be productive, godly, fulfilled adults. There were of course many years where they were a high priority and we gave them, as we should have, much of our time, love and other resources. There's nothing wrong with that.

However, it's possible that blended into our best intentions and passionate love for our children is the wrong message. They can start to believe if we're not careful that everything, including all of mom and dad's time and energy, should focus on them. In fact, they can subtly start to think that others should also give them the same status and priority wherever they go - school, church, community activities and the like.

What are some of the symptoms? Parents who always give in. It's wonderful to give our children opportunities to develop their skills, interact with others and make decisions and choices. However, some parents let their kids do and have everything they desire. The whole family's schedule and use of resources begin to be determined not by what mom and/or dad think is best but because the child wants to do one more thing, attend one more activity or play one more sport.

A second symptom is extreme selfishness. We're all selfish to some extent but children who think they're overly important and deserve all the attention go to extremes. Whatever they want they get and when they don't get it they throw a fit. Some parents will unwisely let their tantrums go, too, and just brush them off as "that's the way Sean is and how he handles conflict."

A third outcome is when children always have to be asked to do something for others. Now granted most children need to be reminded about chores, helping out and the like but a maturing child should begin to develop some desire to help others if he or she has been groomed to do so.

So how do we help our kids to give as much as get and not become self-centered? One way is to help them learn early on that they don't get everything they want. As I've said in earlier posts you don't need to be an ogre or the wicked witch of the west to do that. Sometimes choices are helpful for children old enough to choose. "You know, Erin, you can pick one of those activities to do this summer. Which one would you like to do?"

For younger kids, we'll simply have to say "no" and lovingly, but firmly, let them know that there's no more discussion about it.

But on an even more positive note, we can start our kids early learning to serve and give to others. We used to do Christmas caroling in our neighborhood when our children were smaller. But what we did was tell them that we weren't going to the neighbors to get anything, but rather we were going to sing for them and take them something. And we did. It was great fun.

When they get their first job, even babysitting or a paper route, require that they put some aside for savings, some for God or the church and some for others. We were really proud when Tim announced after he started making money with his paper route that he was putting aside ten percent to give to church!

As the old saying goes, more is caught than taught. Think about what you might do to help your kids this week, this month , this year to give more away than they take and in the process help them to see themselves in a healthy, godly way.