How Many I LOVE YOU's Are Too Many?

This past weekend I heard a dear missionary couple tell the story of how they recently lost their sweet daughter in her 20's to ovarian cancer.  And the same night a network television program focused on how another family's teenage daughter died in a car accident because she was texting and driving.

Oh, how I pray that no one else reading this post would ever face those kinds of tragedies, including me! But it happens, doesn't it?  Kids die young, brothers and sisters can be fine one day and gone the next. Parents who have been there for us all our lives can be suddenly separated from this world. Spouses are spending life with us each day and then one of us is taken.

I, like you, would rather not think about it and perhaps even this discussion may seem a bit morbid.  And of course, other than teach our kids to make wiser decisions, perhaps take care of ourselves a bit better and be more careful in general, there's a lot we simply cannot control.  But we dare not just live in denial and think that it never could happen to us.

Are there at least a few things we could do be more intentional about as we live in a world of evil, hurt, pain, death and the unknown much of the time?  Can we prepare at all for the possibility that someone in our world may be gone way before we ever expected them to leave us?

I think so.  First, say I love you  a lot.  Yes, it can become a little trite, repetitive and may appear not to have much meaning at times, but say it anyway.  I want my family members and others close to me to have heard it so much that there's no doubt in their minds, no matter what happens or who leaves first, that my love was as strong as it could ever be for them.

Write it down, say it in cards, speak it.  Words are powerful and that little three-word phrase packs a wallop.  Every person in this world longs to hear those words.  Say it often and like you mean it.

Second, make memories now.  I speak about this often in other posts so I'll be brief here. Don't wait until someday to do those special things together with your kids. Don't just sit in the stands or auditorium and watch them perform.  Find things to do WITH them now that they'll remember forever.  How many people do you know who have said something like, "I only wish we had . . . " and then the person those words were about was gone?  Too many.

Third, pray like crazy for those close to you.  And tell them you're doing so.  Pray of course for their safety.  But also pray that their lives will make a difference for eternity no matter how long they're here on earth.  In fact, pray with them sometimes.  Prayer has a special way of communication your love and passion for them.

Finally, keep short accounts.  Don't hold grudges, deal with tensions or issues that aren't resolved.  Try to make amends for things you've done to them and/or lovingly share ways they may have hurt you. Be humble, swallow your pride, and do whatever you can to restore the relationship. You don't want to look back someday and not have the opportunity to make a wrong a right and be able to embrace and express your true love one more time.

Psalms says that our days are numbered and that only God knows how many we have.  Make the most of them . . . and say I love you another time or two today.

Just Say NO - Sometimes

Jackie and I were shopping just a few days after Christmas and saw a mom debating with her young daughter about whether she was going to buy her a new toy or not.  Maybe I didn't have all the facts but I'm thinking, "Hmm, is this really an issue right after the biggest gift giving day of the year?"

It's not easy to say "no," is it, to the longings, loves and likes of the kids we love?  However, it's important that we make sure this little two- letter word is somewhere in our vocabulary. Kids need to know that life doesn't give them everything and that their desires aren't always wise nor the most important need in the family.

Why don't we say "no," at least some of the time?  It's likely because we don't want our kids mad at us or we think that they'll love us less when we're tough on them. Perhaps we had very harsh parents ourselves and we hate the thought of our kids experiencing the same kind of treatment from us.

Often a non-custodial parent will do more for a child than they would normally because they don't see that child often and want to somehow make it up to them. As a result they give them whatever they want.  Yes, sometimes it's easier to just give in. Don't go there.

Children can subtly begin to think that the more they beg, plead and coerce the more they'll get.  But is that how life works?  Of course not, so why teach our kids that it does?  When we turn down their inappropriate, though natural, requests we set up healthy boundaries that will help them make wise decisions and enjoy the good times even more.

But let me suggest a couple of guidelines.  First, don't say "no''all the time or more than you say yes if possible. When we first moved into a new house I had a tendency to do that.  I didn't want the walls marked or windows scratched so I was constantly saying, "Don't move that there," or "No, you can't sit too close to that," or whatever.  My wife finally had to say to me, "Do you know that all you say to your son these days is no?  Oops.  "No" must be one of many responses we give our kids but not the most prevalent one.

Second, say "no" calmly and firmly but not harshly.  Say it as though that is of course your answer on that issue and that life will move on just fine. Don't turn the situation into a battle.  Often a fight begins because we were simply harsher than we needed to be or used language that was more condemning than simply communicating.  You can turn down their request without being angry or demeaning.

Third, when you can decide ahead of time what you will say "no" to. There are lots of gray areas for parents that you won't always have a clear answer on but there are some that should be obvious.  For example, when a child is trying to play parents against each other, your first answer should probably be no until you find out more from the other parent. When they are clearly being demanding of their own way it's probably time to put the brakes on no matter what the issue is.

Finally, look them in the eye and make sure they heard you. This is especially true for young children.  "What did mommy or daddy just say?"  Or for the older ones, "Let's be clear on this, son.  What is it that we've agreed to here?"

You'll have to decide what works best but remember that "no" isn't a dirty word. Just use it wisely.

The Five Greatest Marriage Killers

Marriages are being assaulted! I don't know of anyone who doesn't know at least one close friend, relative, neighbor or coworker whose marriage isn't struggling big time, on the verge of divorce or impacted by an affair. And I realize that one, marriage is never easy and two, there are lots of factors that complicate people's marriage stories and any attempts to fix them.

Nonetheless, I want to also be sure that couples are aware of several things that may be overlooked when they think there is little or no hope of salvaging their relationship. These five perspectives or attitudes can often keep people from actually turning their marriage around if they'll only understand what's really true.

First, thinking that your spouse must meet your needs. The truth is no spouse can ever be enough for the other person. Yes, we can and must do all we can to learn to love and respect each other, but it will still never be enough.  Only God can fulfill our deepest longings.  See Psalm 42 for example.

Second, thinking that your worth is on the line. Many couple's disagreements turn into wars because they cross a line when they believe that they now must win a battle about their personhood.  Deep within they believe that if they aren't right, aren't seen in a positive light or whatever that they will somehow decrease in value and matter less.  Nothing could be further from the truth. Our worth is totally dependent upon our relationship with God and once we are a child of God in Christ five things are always true in any circumstance.

We matter, we have purpose, we are children of God, we are loved and we are forgiven.  No circumstance or comment will ever change that.  See earlier posts on self-worth for more details.

Third, thinking that your spouse must change for you to have a great marriage.  Yes, there are things that must be changed in some circumstances that either spouse must not just let slide - abuse, bringing danger into the home, threatening suicide and the like. But certain characteristics and uniquenesses, even if they are hard for us at times, do not have to become our personal mission to transform.  Yes, talk about them, compromise if need be, but also learn to love your spouse for who she or he is. Sometimes their irksome habit or style is a healthy balance to one of yours.

Fourth, thinking that your problems are too big for God to overcome. The Bible says in Jeremiah that nothing is too difficult for God and that includes healing the hurts and diseases in our marriage.  Have you really given your marriage to God, have you brought your story together to God in prayer, have you gotten others involved to both provide godly counsel and extra prayer? 

Fifth, thinking that splitting up will necessarily be better, easier or more enjoyable.  Yes, there are circumstances where a permanent break is simply inevitable.  But don't quit just because you want to escape the pain and believe that everything will be so much better later.

When you run into problems give God, yourself and your spouse every chance to make it first.  There just might be a miracle around the corner that God is ready and willing to do in you to save your marriage and keep you from just becoming another sad story.

Kids ARE Impressionable!

 I heard recently from a Christian school teacher who was shocked at how many of her elementary-aged students had received M-rated videos for Christmas. And of course most of us have seen young kids in movies, watching television programs or at concerts that were clearly inappropriate for them.

The excuse that many parents use is that most of the mature concepts just go right over their heads and that they don't get the negative parts because of their age. Hmmm.  I was just around my three-and-a-half year old grandson and he repeats everything!  Sure, he might not "get" the implications or meanings of certain words or ideas but it's clear they have been impressed on his maturing brain.

When our son Tim was still young enough to be carried into the house, I heard him one night saying "Shoot, daddy," as I was trying to get my key into the lock of our side door on the house.  I quickly realized that he had often heard me say "shoot" other times when the key didn't easily slide into the lock.  Glad I didn't say something worse!

So imagine a six to ten year old with a mature rated video, in front of a racy television program or watching an PG-13 film.  Do we think that all the impressions and intentions of that experience will simply go over their head?  No way.  Some of it will stick.

We must be reminded that we parents are the gatekeepers of what goes into the hearts and minds of our children.  No, we can't keep them from every evil or inappropriate influence (nor should we) but we can do what we can now while we are able.  These early years are when we must teach them appropriate boundaries, morals and guidelines from which to someday make their own decisions about right and wrong . Their little minds can't handle the barrage of input that they can have access to if we don't limit it in some way.

In fact, much of what is presented to us in popular entertainment isn't just immoral - it's amoral.  Intentionally or not, many of those who produce today's popular movies, video, music and television offerings treat everything as equally right and acceptable.  What a person chooses to do is what is moral for him or her.

So when we let them do just anything or what everyone else does we're also saying, "It's all ok. Don't worry about it. It won't make that much of a difference."

So parent, don't just let your kids watch, see and do anything. Monitor the movies and other entertainment they might be exposed to both in your home and their friends' homes. Say "no" to popular gifts that they simply aren't ready for. Turn off the television when programs aren't appropriate.  You aren't being a tyrant or a prude.  You're being wise.

And when they are exposed to something you know they don't need to see, talk about it with them. Turn it into a teaching time about what's truly right and wrong. In fact as they become middle and highschoolers  you'll need to have more of those discussions.

Our children were made to be like soft, handfuls of clay ready to be impacted by the many wonderful things God has made for us all to enjoy. Don't let those benefits be crowded out because you simply looked the other way.

Things Worth Re-Gifting At Your House

OK, so we've all done it. We've taken a gift given to us by someone else that we really didn't want and then passed it on to someone else later, right?  If we're honest, yes, that was a kind of cheap and lazy move for the most part.

However, there are some things we have been given in life that we would be wise to pass on, especially to our kids, that they can take with them as well.  And yet, some of us aren't terribly intentional about that sort of re-gifting  so think about some of the following challenges.

First of all, be sure to re-gift your faith. That would seem obvious if you are a fairly religious, church-going family but it's not. Many people expect the church or Christian school to do the bulk of their modeling and teaching about what it means to follow Christ. And yet the Bible clearly suggests that parents are to be the principle teachers when it comes to helping our kids know, love and serve God.  See the Old Testament, the book of Deuteronomy, chapter 6.

Second, re-gift the importance of hard work. We live in an entitlement culture where so many comforts and things to make life easier are at our fingertips all the time. Many in our educational systems want to merely level the playing field and make sure that no one feels bad or loses. But in reality anything that's good or worth having will require diligence and sacrifice. Teach and model that kind of ethic in your home. Make sure children and teens appropriately help with chores and family needs even if they're active in school and extracurricular activities.

Third, re-gift the specialness of family. We only get so much time with each other. Make sure it's not all taken up with personal activities, lessons, games and media. Those things all have their place but we need to have time to just enjoy each other and learn to love better. Take inventory on this one, slow down and don't pre-program every moment of your family's life.When's the last time you were all together just to have fun, for a vacation, or to do something truly spontaneous?

Finally, re-gift a thankful heart.  While we may seem to have much or little we're all wonderfully blessed.  Even in the middle of hardship there's much to be thankful for.  Model that you don't always need one more, or the new version, or the same thing they have next door to be happy.  Learn to make do a little more and to wait until next year some of the time. Regularly ask your spouse and kids to share something they are thankful for and then tell God about those things.

Some gifts are worth wrapping up and passing along even if you've seen them before.  I've shared a few.  What are your ideas?

More Than A Coffee Table Life

Have you ever noticed something common to many offices, funeral homes, waiting rooms and even homes?  There is often a stylish table or two stacked with books. The volumes are often beautiful, covered with striking pictures, multi-colored and likely expensive.

The problem is that most of them never get opened.  Perhaps the top one gets paged through now and then but the rest accumulate dust and are for all practical purposes useless. They sit there for years and accomplish little. And most of the books on those tables look alike even though in reality they're probably quite distinctive.

I wonder how many families have never gone or imagined life beyond the coffee table stage.  Sure, things in their home look good and there's lots to be thankful for. And everyone there may be relatively happy and feel a sense of accomplishment. But they look like and are doing what everyone else does. They are involved in all the same activities, go to the same events and strive for the same things as their friends and neighbors.

And yet how many of those families would say they intended to have a coffee table life?  Not many. But if we're going to have marriages and families that are distinctive it's going to require that we think hard and actually plan to do some things that are fundamentally different and in the long run make us feel truly alive.

The things we could actually do to be distinctive and truly enjoy life are myriad. Only the limits of our imagination and creativity limit us. And when we invite God into the equation the possibilities become endless for all practical purposes.

So where do you start?  First, look for local ways that your family can serve others.  Your church, community center and schools can be a place to begin.  Find some people in need, look for an agency that would like some volunteers, or come up with your own project that would give your family an opportunity to care for others. A warning though:  once you start you might get hooked and decide to stay involved for a long time.

Second, plan some marriage or family events that would be unique or special for you.  Climb a few mountains, go whitewater rafting, take some sort of lessons together . . . you get the idea. Take one portion of the year when your kids don't need to be in a sport or music or whatever and do something you all like. With the power of the internet these days you can write books, make photo albums, research your family and who knows what else for very little money. Make some memories that none of you will ever forget.

Third, dream together. What are the skills, talents, resources and interest your family or marriage enjoys?  How could those attributes be used to make a difference?  Children and adults both have dreamed dreams and found that they could literally start programs and even movements that others rallied to and impacted thousands. Why not you or your family?

Don't just be a book that looks like everyone else?  Stand out, take some risks, do something together that you'll never forget.  And the time to start is now.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year?

The other day I heard someone on radio say, "Christmas is my favorite time of the year."  And of course most of us know the Christmas song favorite that begins, "It's the most wonderful time of the year."  And it is a special time. Who doesn't enjoy the gifts, lights, music, festive gatherings, great food and of course the story of Jesus' birth and all it means to us who follow Christ?  It's all great.

But I wonder if making holidays or seasons or special events our favorite doesn't somehow diminish our ability to enjoy every day as truly special and worth being thankful for. Maybe it's just because I'm getting older and more thoughtful, but I'm learning to make the most of now and it's making a difference.

I remember my mom sometimes saying to us kids, "Don't wish your life away," when we would incessantly talk about how we couldn't wait for something or some time in the future. There was probably some wisdom in her comment.  It's so easy to think that some future event will really make us happy or fulfilled so we wish for that to come while missing out on today.

How do we keep ourselves in the everyday moments that God gives us and teach our kids to do the same?

First, be thankful a lot.  Paul wrote in the New Testament that we should give thanks in everything.  There is something in most every moment and experience for which to be thankful.  No, not everything is enjoyable or positive, but we can still learn to thank God for anything he wants to teach us through it.

Second, watch for God sightings.  What do you see God doing in this current moment?  What person around you might He be wanting you to be Jesus to?  It's possible that God has something wonderful in store for you to do or see even if you're at the mall, grocery store, work or school.

Third, if you're a parent, model gratitude for your kids.  Don't give them everything.  Teach them to appreciate what they have. Express your thankfulness often in prayer and praise. Remind them often of how blessed they are and how much they have by helping out in a nursing home, working with underprivileged kids center or serving in a soup kitchen.

Finally, talk with your spouse and/or kids about special things that have happened each day.  Get in the habit of sharing the blessings of every day even though you certainly have to talk about challenges and difficulties as well.

When we begin to see the amazing things that go on around us every day we will begin to discover that there really aren't any most wonderful times.  Some are just a little more special than others but they all count for something.