Do The Small Hard Things Now At Home

It was just discovered that I have melanoma on my scalp. Thankfully my dermatologist caught it, removed it and the odds of a full recovery are nearly 100%. However, I also know what can happen if it isn't found. People can die. My doctor told me just that.

Having it removed is frankly a bit painful and certainly not a fun process. It was not the highlight of my day. But I'm thankful I could go through a little pain now to avoid some tragic consequences later.

Unfortunately many spouses and parents avoid doing the little things now that could have great dividends later. It just doesn't seem like a big deal, perhaps, but let me suggest a few things that probably matter big time down the road.

First, if you're a parent hold to your boundaries and guidelines. No, you don't have to be a tyrant but don't give in, be consistent. Make sure your rules are fair and age appropriate but disobedience gets chipped away at a little at a time.

Second, make time for each other. Build margin into your life, have time to talk as a couple or family and have significant times of play and relaxation. Too many families have every hour of every day other than sleep programmed with enriching activities but enjoy too little time to just be together.

Third, do more with less. Most of us need far less than we have and if we're honest much of that stuff steals even more time from us because we have to take care of it, clean it, repair it or maintain it. We probably don't need as much car, house or amount of clothing as we think we do.

Fourth, give more away. If we want to teach our children to be generous they must see our generosity as a normal part of our way of life. Give to local agencies, your church, other needy people who live nearby.

You see, any of these simply acts could easily be neglected. And to do them may cost us something. They may be a challenge. But it will be far less than what we might lose if we don't do them. Start now.

In Marriage Challenges Think About the Kids Too

Many have known or been the parents who decided to stay together because of the kids. At at times that may be noble or at least a wise decision.

But unfortunately some parents are more about the divorce and their own feelings and think little of the children and the impact their warring and selfishness have on the kids.

And while everyone's situation is certainly unique there are some principles and guidelines that would be worth considering if you and your spouse are going through hard times or already well down the road to separation or divorce.

First, limit how much of the angst your children see and feel. You're adults so wait to have your major blowups and disagreements for when the young ones aren't around or sleeping (and make sure they are). Yes, children must eventually know some things and if they are old enough probably already do. In those cases bring them into the situation carefully (more on that in a moment).

Second, don't do anything on purpose to add more antagonism in your children toward your spouse. Some spouses bring negativity on themselves and you can't help that but we can at least do our part to keep the children's relationship with their mom or dad as healthy as possible. If your marriage fails the kids deserve to still have a meaningful connection with both parents if possible.

Third, as things get worse, if they do, see that your kids have someone to talk to. A pastor, counselor, same-sex adult friend, therapist. They will need someone outside your relationship with whom they can speak honestly and share some of the emotions they most likely do not understand. Get some recommendations from clergy or local agencies as to who might be best.

Fourth, make sure that you and your spouse are getting help. If you're working on things then the things you learn can translate into your home and perhaps your marriage can be saved.

Don't stay in your marriage just for the kids. But don't leave your kids out of the process - they have feelings too and your example is one of the few they will have to follow.

Someday Our Words and Actions Will Be Our Last Ones

Recently we saw some of the worst loss of life by tornadoes in the history of our country. These wild and devastating storms rolled through the Midwest and killed dozens of innocent people and leveled complete towns. One little toddler was found miles from her home but her immediate family had all died.

Not one of those people who lost their lives woke up that morning believing that day was their last. And neither should we. But we can do more of what the country song suggests and "Live like we're dying." I think that means making the most of every day and filling it with words and actions that we would include if it were our last day.

Some suggestions? Say words of life. I've spoken on this in other posts but it's a pretty simple concept. Communicate with words that go deeply into the soul of those you love, that speak to their personhood, who they are. Have you told people that mean the most to you that you love them, you're proud of them and that you are thankful for what they've done for you?

Second, do some of the important things you've always wanted to do. We had a pastor friend who was going to retire soon at age sixty-five and he and his sweet wife had all sorts of travel plans. The only problem was that he got a quick-spreading cancer and died within months. Don't wait if possible to do some of the special things on your bucket list.

Third, slow down and enjoy more daily moments. Stop and look at the stars, talk longer to your spouse or kids, sit and drink your cup of coffee for a few more minutes and be thankful. Play more, do less and spend time with people. Relationships are the most valuable human asset we have.

So I hope today is not your last day and that you and I have thousands more. But if you'll add a little more life to every day you live, you'll likely not get caught having missed opportunities to say and do what you'd always hoped to do with those you love.

Help Your Kids See Stars . . . And Other Awesome Wonders

We are privileged to live in Austin, Texas where we on average receive three hundred days a year where the sun shines. That means we have a lot of cloudless nights. And even with the city lights on around us, hundreds of stars, planets and the moon are visible most evenings.

In fact, a couple of times a month the space shuttle will fly over our part of the country for a few minutes each morning or night and we'll go out and watch it go by. (Some would suggest we need to get out more if that's our idea of fun).

And during those shuttle watches we are always amazed by the bigness of just what we can see in the Heavens from our little corner of the world. It's hard to imagine how much more is out there in the universe.

I've heard that scientists have discovered a star that is supposedly 265 times bigger than our sun and some ten millions times brighter.  Just one star!  Add to that all the light years of distance that the scientists have estimated and the black holes that appear to have no end to their depth.

I'm pretty convinced that we as parents need to remind our children of that bigness around us and help them to stop long enough to see it and experience it now and then. Sometimes parents of faith wonder how they can teach the deep spiritual truths about God to their children. Here's one pretty powerful method.  Take them outside some evening and look at the solar system. Lay on your backs and stare up at the heavens.  Get out of the city and enjoy it all even more.

Go to a planetarium, watch an eclipse of the moon, look for shooting stars. Learn more about the magnitude and incredible order that exists out there. And if you're a Christian family, spend some time praying to the God who you are confident made it all. Read some Scripture about the creation. I'm pretty sure it will be a worshipful time.

In fact, because young children are usually pretty fascinated by new things they will probably be quite impressed both that you took some time with them and that sky around them is so amazing. Give it a try. You'll find yourself pretty awestruck too!

Family Lessons From Whitney, Michael and All The Rest

The other day a friend told a young person that Whitney Houston had died and the teen replied, "Who's that?" How quickly we forget how young our kids are, how old we are and how fleeting even fame is. But like so many who die young, famous and not so famous, the stories are usually tragic ones. Whitney's was no exception.

Certainly one of the greatest vocalists of all time, she was not that long ago at the top of the entertainment world with #1 hits, unforgettable Super Bowl appearances and favorite movies. Now she's gone with so much of her legacy unknown and certainly tainted by rumors, destructive lifestyle choices and harmful associations.

So what do we as parents do with events like this in our homes? Some of our kids probably don't care and like the teen I mentioned earlier may not even know of some of the Whitney's in our world. Should we just chalk her, Michael Jackson. Amy Winehouse and all the others up to just being larger-than-life icons or do their stories provide teachable moments for us?

I think the latter.

Whether our children say anything or not about the aberrant actions of those in the limelight they do take notice at some point even if someone like a Whitney was too old to be on their personal radar. They see others in their list of favorites who self-destruct and we would be wise to help them process that.

So where do we start?

First, don't lecture. Discuss. This is not the time to have a long sit-down I'm going to make sure YOU never do what they did speech. Instead, have a conversation. Ask them questions like, So what do you think would make a person want to live that way? Why do you suppose all their money and fame wasn't enough for them.  Of course the depth of your questions will depend upon the age of your kids but talk with them not just to them.

Second, don't water down the tough stuff. Talk about the real issues, at least the ones you know about. It's tempting to speculate and suggest that they were probably on drugs or something when you don't know that to be the case. But talk openly and honestly about what you do know and if hard subjects are part of the discussion talk about them age appropriately of course. And be sure to help your kids begin to know what to do when they are confronted with similar temptations and choices.

Third, show compassion for hurting people. It's easy to send the message that these people are destroying our culture and deserve what they got in dying or going to jail or losing everything.  I'm pretty sure Jesus would not have responded that way. He was the friend to the outcast, the adulterer and the tax collector. He still spoke truth and challenged people to a better way, but He had compassion on the multitudes.  We must model the same.

As the adage suggests, there but for the grace of God go I.

Yes, there will be more Whitney and Michael stories. But we dare not look the other way and think they don't matter. They do. For lots of reasons.

Three Cautions About Valentine's Day

OK, so some of you reading this are already mad at me for trying to spoil your special day, right? Believe me, I'm not attempting to mess up any good that will come out of your or my celebration. In fact, later today, my wife and I are going to celebrate a little early and also give each other something on the actual day. So there.

However, I need to use the occasion of Cupid's holiday to give us all some fair warning and challenge. Because you see, Valentine's Day and other somewhat man-made occasions designed to force us to do something nice can be deceiving.

First, they can help us feel better about the weaknesses in our relationship. We give each other a nice gift, card, dinner or whatever and then life continues on like normal. We feel good that we celebrated and were able to tell others about our gift giving but the rest of the year we're still struggling. We would be wiser to spend less on Valentine's Day and more towards counseling or at least time every week to be together and grow as a couple.

Second, they can distort what it means to truly be loving. Of course, the stores, flower growers and candy makers all want us to believe that giving their gifts will totally change our relationship. But we all should know at least that being loving is way more than giving some nice gifts now and then. Our gift giving is best when it's another gesture of the kind of love we've shared all year as opposed to making up for what we needed to be doing every day.

Third, they can cover up what it means to be truly intimate. I've said in other posts that intimacy in marriage involves way more than sex.  It's closeness of body, soul and spirit. That takes a lifetime to begin, develop, sustain and enjoy. No holiday gifts will come anywhere near that kind of intimacy.

Perhaps this year, in fact, the two of you can talk about ways to increase your intimacy in all three areas.  Set some goals, get rid of some activities that you really don't need to do anymore.  Use that time for each other instead. Marriages usually don't break up because of one hard hit. They erode because of lack of attention over many years.

So, sure, go celebrate with your sweetheart. Do something nice and surprise him or her. But this year make it your goal to start or continue a relationship that has so much love in it all the time that Valentine's Day is just another beautiful rose in the bouquet of your life together.  Hmm . . . where did I put that card?

Wise Parents Learn to Pick Their Battles

Some of us are old enough to remember Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. Anyone who's ever seen the movie likely recalls the final scene where the two main characters are surrounded by more firepower than they will ever be able to handle. It's over because there is no way they can fight against everyone. They are outnumbered.

Sometimes we need to look at parenting the same way. No, not as though we are defeated and will die! But we often have to admit that we can't and don't need to fight and win every battle with our children. We will probably have to choose which ones are most important. We just don't have enough firepower to go around.

So, how do we decide?  Well, first of all, ask yourself, "Is this a decision a child should make or not?"  Choices about whether they're going to get in the car and leave with us or if they are going to go to bed at a predetermined time really shouldn't be theirs. We're the parent and we determine those things in most cases.

However, if clothing is an issue, is their choice really that big a deal or can we give them a choice of some kind and move on?  Does the choice of video game or doll to play with really matter at the moment?

Second, consider, "What's the negative consequence of giving them their choice?  It might be that we are giving them the liberty to be belligerent or to disobey and not be disciplined. Probably not a good outcome. Another negative might be that they will spend money unwisely or get into a dangerous situation. So of course we need to be firm and take the heat for saying "no."

However, if the potential result isn't a big deal we have a little more leeway in determining whether this battle is worth the energy to fight. And remember as children get older they need to learn to make good choices.

Third, does their action fly in the face of some fundamental principle that you want them to learn? Does giving them their way on something teach them to be deceptive, ornery, impolite, manipulative or whatever?

I'm sure you can come up with other good questions between you and your spouse or on your own. Just remember that some fights simply aren't worth it especially when the results aren't destructive, harmful or long lasting. Sometimes we might just be putting too much of our parenting success on winning small battles when really it's the longer term results that are the better indicators.