Avoid the Immaculate Deception This Christmas

Before Thanksgiving Alice was already planning for Christmas. Yes, she put her usual passion into the food planning, preparation and family inviting for turkey day but she also made time to start her Christmas checklist and knock a few of those tasks off as well.

And now that the first round of food and football are over she is going full steam ahead to make Christmas as wonderful as it always is. There are gifts to buy of course, but the house decorating has always been an obsession with her so the attic and garage have been cleared of their Christmas decorations and she is on her way to turning her house into a fantasy land.

Granted her oldest will be home soon from college and her parents are getting up in years. She hopes to spend some quality time with all of them and even invite a few close friends over but all that will need to wait until she has things just right.

Alice is encouraged, however, because she did get up early on Black Friday and buy some of the gifts she knows her family will treasure and she saved some money this year in the process. And she knows that with a few late nights (OK, maybe a lot of them) she will also get her Christmas cards signed and sent out. This year's cards, more like booklets, are the best and most creative ever with lots of pictures and updates on the kids successes and family milestones.

Is Alice a version of  you at holiday time? She certainly represents a lot of people who are caught in what I call the Immaculate Deception. It's the false belief that certain expectations must be met every year at the holidays. And as a result many individuals and families miss out on the most important opportunities of a time like Christmas.

Some common misguided demands?  That everything be perfect. The house, the cards, the meals, the outfits, the church service, the time spent with family - they must all be refined to a standard that in reality can never be reached. As a result family members (often mom) never sit down, can't relax and miss out on the many spontaneous and casual conversations, interactions and special moments that they will never quite have again.

Second, that everyone be happy. Yes, holidays are a time when we should be happy and joyful but there is no way to please everyone . . . and yet we often try. We have to get Uncle Ralph the perfect gift and send Grandma Mary a card on time. Our kids need to get every gift they asked for and be allowed and even transported to attend every gathering required of them. Even Jesus didn't go to everything or give everyone what they wanted so why should we?

Third, we do more than in the past. If last year's Christmas card was really creative, then this year's must be more so. If we bought such and such last year for a present we should do better this year. We at least think that everything we've done before should be equaled if not improved. Says who?

The sad part about buying into the deceptions that often surround our holidays is that we miss out on what really matters. Let me suggest a few things:

Jesus. Yes, Jesus as the saying goes IS the reason for the season. I get it when non-Christ-followers don't focus on Jesus much but I don't get it when Christians pretty much avoid Him other than going to a Christmas Eve service. Try making Jesus the focus of your holiday and see what changes. Re-teach the real story of Christmas and tell about some of the things you are most thankful for from God.

Close family time. Notice the word close. Sure families are generally together during at least some of the Christmas vacation but are they close?  Do they really talk? Do they slow down and just enjoy each other, perhaps even get to know each other better?  When we're running, running, running there will be little time for each other.

Spontaneous get togethers with friends, neighbors, relatives or associates.  What would our holidays be like if we took time to just grab a friend and go have coffee (egg nog latte)? What if we did something really unique with our family or in the neighborhood, something WAY out of the box that we would never forget instead of the usual? What if we just enjoyed the tree that we put up, played some games, listened to music or watch a favorite Christmas special without having to fit it in between events or responsibilities?

You know there is still time to make this year's Christmas different. But you'll have to make some decisions NOT to do a few things pretty soon. Nevertheless try it. Remember all that other stuff may just be taking you away from the best Christmas ever and from the Jesus who started it all in the first place.

Entitlement: The Killer of Thankful Hearts

I don't mean for this post to be a holiday squasher but perhaps this is the BEST time to discuss something that is becoming a deadly virus in much of our culture. During a time of year when we at least try to focus on being thankful for what we have we would be wise to also consider what can steal that attitude of gratitude the rest of the year.

It's entitlement. And no I'm not talking primarily about programs commonly labeled as entitlements like social security and Medicare though perhaps they too are an indirect result of this virus.

But I want to challenge us all to think about an attitude and expectation that we personally should have certain privileges, rights, possessions and opportunities provided for us no matter what. In a recent blog I discussed how many parents expect that their child should receive the best coach, teacher, role in the play or whatever.

Go back and read that blog if you missed it. It's one subcategory of entitlement.

But this attitude goes beyond our children. We, too, believe that we should have priority in even the simple things like: the open parking spot, the place in line, tickets for the game the invite to the prestigious party or the full attention of the clerk in the store. See what the reaction is of most drivers when you accidently took their space in a driving lane or that one place left for a car to park at the mall!

Perhaps more significant might be our demand for: the best doctor in the waiting room, the head of the company to call us, the pastor to pay more attention to us or the local utility company to handle our complaint and problem first.  One way to tell is to measure your anger quotient when you don't get something you felt entitled to. If it's highere than say "5" on the anger meter you probably struggle with entitlement.

But remember that this virus can be deadly. It can first kill our thankfulness. And when we're not thankful we aren't usually happy. We will always demand more from those around us, our kids and even our family.

Second, we will become annoying, arrogant people who people will ultimately pull away from and avoid unless they are just like us. No one wants to be around a person who constantly thinks they deserve more or better and is always trying to get their demands met no matter the cost.

Third, we will never overcome our personal challenges. Why? Because we will always require one more thing to satisfy us, one more person to give us what we we believe we're entitled to. And even if we do get something on our list, there will be one more. We won't understand that entitlement is really a black hole that never gets filled up.

So, whatever you do, squash the entitlement virus from  your mind, family and home. Start by becoming thankful all the time, every day. As you feel your anger rising, tell God you're thankful for something He blessed you with that day anyway. Teach and model thanksgiving for your family.

Second, you let go of your demand that you get everything you think you must have to succeed or be OK. God is the only one capable of giving you that. So let Him be your guide.

Desire those things but don't demand them. If you do, you'll lose any chance of having a thankful heart and experiencing an ultimately fulfilled life.

Make Thanksgiving A Lifestyle At Your House

I talk with people every week who are hurting because of their illness, relationship struggles, grief, finances or a host of other things. And I know those hurts are very real and are certainly understandable.

I do my best to help encourage them and give them practical suggestions on how to walk through their struggle, make necessary changes and heal from their pain. We often go beneath the surface to find unhealthy behaviors and thinking that may be adding to their challenges.

However, one of the common inhibitors of growth I see in them all and in myself from time to time is a lack of gratitude. They don't find anything to be thankful for. They've put on blinders so to speak and can't see how they might still be blessed in some ways in spite of their difficult times.

As a result they tend to walk down the path to more discouragement, bitterness and emotional paralysis. If they could only begin to think bigger than their own circumstances and in the middle of their moving forward stay thankful.

One way to assure that people remain thankful at your house is to make gratitude more of an attitude. How?

First, model it. When you pray, especially with others, include praise and thanks, not just requests. Talk about things you're thankful for at the dinner table, when you're having fun and even working.

Second, practice it. Have some sharing times with the kids where you all talk about something you're thankful for that day or week. Talk about the little things, perhaps things that everybody else wouldn't necessarily think of.

Third, teach it. Scripture is filled with passages that speak about the power and place of thanksgiving. I Thessalonians 5:17 says, "Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

I am confident that many of the people who come to see me in pain would find their journey made easier and heal more quickly when they focus more on being thankful. In fact, some of the greatest healing comes when hurting people start giving to others even through their pain. And they won't start investing in others if they remain bitter and angry rather than thankful.

So perhaps this Thanksgiving holiday could be the beginning of a new era of thanks in your home all year round. And perhaps you're the person to get it started. Happy Thanksgiving.

Stay Determined Parents! It's Hard But Worth It.

Recently as I was leaving a Target store, I saw a mother and her crying preschooler walk out just ahead of me. The little blond-haired boy was clearly upset, yes mad, saying over and over, "I want the gingerbread man, mom, I want the gingerbread man!" He must have said it twenty times in my hearing and kept going until the two of them reached their van in the parking lot.

Even as I walked by their car with the windows rolled up I could still hear him pleading with mom for that cookie.

But to the mom's credit she wasn't yelling or chastising. She had him firmly by the hand as they calmly kept walking out of the store. Her eyes were focused ahead, she said nothing and didn't flinch. The little boy at one point even looked at me perhaps hoping I would go back and get him the gingerbread man. His eyes seemed to say, "Help me, please!"

None of it worked. And in my mind that mom was a model parent at least for that moment.

She had perhaps faced this before. Either way she knew ahead of time what she would do and she was determined that her cute little boy was not going to win that battle. This was probably one of a number of watershed moments she had had and will probably have again that will convince her son that mom means what she says.

Would it have been tempting to give in? You bet. Would she have made a big mistake in doing so? No doubt.  There's nothing wrong of course with a gingerbread man cookie now and then. But when it's demanded and a tantrum ensues no child should ever be given what they want.

Through her determination she was teaching him that his tactics to change her response would not work. I would hope that sometime later she explained to him that there are other ways to both ask for things and to react when you don't get something you want. I would hope that she made it clear that she still loved him no matter what.

But her victorious moment of parenting today during a tough situation should get an A+ and will likely bring her great success down the road plus help her little guy to grow into a respectable, obedient and un-entitled young man someday. How are you doing when it comes to giving in versus your child getting their own way much of the time?

Remember winning a small battle now will likely assist you in winning the bigger war later.

It's All Tainted: Why We'll Never Be Perfect

The other day someone asked me as their pastor and counselor how they would know if they were going to do something for all the right reasons. I think she was shocked by my response when I said, "Well, I have bad news for you. You will never do anything in this life for all the right reasons. Neither will I. We're all tainted."

Now the rest of our discussion did include the fact that we can work on our motives and need God to help us keep the right perspective.

But I think most of us forget that even though we may be Christ followers and forgiven in God's eyes, we will always be human and our selfishness will always still creep in. It doesn't matter how long we've been a Christian or our chronological age. We won't ever have perfect motives, thoughts or attitudes.

We thankfully can get better.  We certainly don't need to stay the way we are. That's why we need the fellowship of other believers, the truth of the Scriptures and some spiritual discipline in our life. But we must always be aware that we can slip up, even in a big way.

And when we accept that truth we'll actually be better off.  Why?

First, we will pretend less because we no longer live according to an impossible goal that someday we will have things all together. Instead we can be honest about our failings and ask others to keep us accountable.

Second, we will live in less guilt because we know we can't be perfect now. We can strive for it but we'll never get there until Heaven.  And that's OK.

Third, we should be more on the alert knowing that we're always vulnerable and could really do the worst of things given the right circumstances.  Yes, Christ does make us new, but those changes take time and we must grow in our faith. There is always a chance we will slip up again.

So, if you've been subtly trying for some sort of perfect life, welcome to the real world. And remember you're among friends.

My Most Offensive Blog Ever . . . For Parents

Alright, let's just say it.  I'm going to offend many of you with the premise of this blog. Some of you might even quit reading my stuff. A few will wonder how I can be so misguided but I'll take my chances.

Because here's my observation. And like Simon Cowell on American Idol or Howard Stern on America's Got Talent, I know I'm right.

The universe does not revolve around your children! Nor my children nor anyone else's kids. Our children are not the most important people in the world, our church, school or neighborhood. They do not deserve more than others and are not entitled to the first, best, optimum, finest anything. The world has not been looking for or waiting for your child or my child to arrive on the scene any more than anyone else's son or daughter.

Now let me be clear. I'm a parent and now a grandparent too. I love my kids and their kids. I want the best for them and tried along with my wife to give them as many favorable and positive experiences and training opportunities as possible. There is nothing wrong with desiring the best for our kids. But too many parents demand it and shove their way to the head of every line so to speak to get it.

I recently heard of a mom who was attending a Christian women's activity and who demanded that her preschooler be in the same childcare room with his friend, a friend who was not even the same age. Parents in a host of situations demand the best teacher, trainer, room, nursery worker, class, summer activity or coach and if they don't get it for little Connor or Clarissa they vent their anger, pull strings until they get it, make life hell for the leadership or find another program.

Comedian Bryan Regan talks about the people on airplanes who take ten minutes trying to get their large case crammed into the overhead compartment while oblivious to the people waiting to get to their seats. His description is hilarious though these rude travelers are not. You do wonder sometimes if this person in row 20A really thinks they are the only one on the airplane.

Pushy, demanding parents aren't funny either nor are we if we live our lives forcing our kids to the front of every social line. Sometimes in life we just don't get what we want. We need to get over ourselves.

Why might parents like us overreach, overreact and over- respond when it comes to our kids?

Perhaps we didn't get the perks and opportunities we would have liked when we were growing up. And yes, that is disappointing but we're not helping our kids by letting them think that they need every advantage now or are more important than the others. And we certainly aren't wise to use our children as some sort of payback for the childhood we never had. We're only going to injure our kids or a relationship somewhere.

We're fearful that if our kids miss out on that one teacher, class or experience they will be scarred for life.  Guess what?  They won't. In fact, part of growing, learning and maturing is to face experiences that are extra-challenging, where you don't have all the advantages others have and work through it anyway. Many of the perks we're perhaps panicky about today won't even be remembered by us or our children in five or ten years.

We're just plain selfish. I know none of us like to hear this one but it's worth asking. Have we become a little too entitled, arrogant and self-centered? Is it time for us to care about others more than ourselves? If we are Christ followers are we modeling the kind of spirit and attitude Jesus modeled? He modeled humility and restraint and was always sinless even in His dissent.

Is it time to take a step back, breathe in deeply and remember that life is about far more than being first or getting our own way?  Maybe.

One final caution. What our kids expect in life today is likely what they will expect tomorrow.  If they live an entitled life and watch mom or dad demand more for them at every turn, they will probably expect the same when they are adults. But they will be disappointed and likely hurt big-time when they find out that people and  life in general doesn't cater to them.

So enjoy your kids. Help them succeed, grow and mature. But they aren't the only star in the heavens. Just yours. Appreciate and love them for that.

Is Fear of Missing Out Driving You?

I was just checking my smart phone again and found three new emails with ideas that could streamline my productivity.  I need to try them. I recently got a new computer and the directions tell me about twenty new little shortcuts and timesavers that came with this new electronic beauty.  I need to memorize them.

I saw an ad for several new television programs that look really interesting and would probably expand my knowledge about people, life and the world around me. I should watch them.

I have a stack of good books waiting to be read or finished (I read thirty a year or more as is) and I have an exercise workout, Russian lessons and distant family also inviting me to give them my time.  I need to figure out how to add these back into my life.

Can you relate?  Do you, like me, hate to say "no" to any of these options because, "I don't want to miss out on something great."  Or "I want my kids to have the best so we'll do it all no matter what it takes."  Or, "That's a good thing, an important thing, I must figure out how to do that too!"

I've got news for you . . . and me.  We'll never do it all. Or as one wise pastor said, "We'll never accomplish all of our potential."  Don't even try.

I'm sure I don't have to tell you that the plate of options for learning, productivity, entertainment, knowledge, growth and experience continues to increase geometrically every day.  We can't have or know it all.  But we are tempted to try, aren't we?  We feel guilty when we hit delete or throw a book away or erase a program from our television list.

We fear that our child will miss out on something vital for life if they don't take that class, play that semester or sports or get that lesson.

So what are we to do?

First, accept the fact that you can't do it all.  Period. Live with that truth.  It's OK.  Our worth is not based on how productive we are or how much we know.

Second, start conscientiously saying "no."  Don't order that new book, keep your kids out of a sport, turn the television off, skip that latest article you saw on Facebook. Be a chooser, not a responder. Learn to do only the best things or the most important things or the things that will add to your feeling alive or doing something God has called you to do.

Third, learn to rest or fast. Take a total break for a while from some of those things that have the greatest seductive pull on you. Get off of the internet or Facebook, don't watch television for a week or take a major break from some activity or even ministry for a season. Quit your hobby for a while. Remind yourself that you can live without some things and not die or shrivel up.

Fourth, embrace slowing down and resting. It's good for the body, soul and spirit.

You may miss out on some activities that could have enriched you but you will more likely not miss out on the ones that make you truly feel alive.