Teaching Humility In a Bragging Culture

The halfback runs hard with the football tucked under his arm into the endzone. The crowd goes wild as he pounds his chest, points both thumbs at himself and prances his way back to the bench of adoring teammates.

The movie star receives her latest statue as part of the fifth award show in three months. She spends the next three minutes explaining how hard work, living her dream and believing in herself allowed her to accept this latest accolade.

Preening politicians, arrogant singers and even local well-knowns spend much of their time telling us in so many words how they deserve all the praise, money and attention they get. Their motto seems to be: take notice people, I'm here.

But compare that to the soldier walking off the airplane after 11 months or more in a Mideastern desert serving our country. He or she may have some well-wishers waiting and even get a round of applause from those nearby, but the only accolades important to them at that moment are the hugs and kisses from their spouse and kids. They don't need a trophy, ceremonial music or a medal. There is no prize money or subsequent movie or record deals awaiting them.

They humbly return home simply knowing they did their best serving their country. They are true heroes. They are the ones who can help teach us and our children how to truly be humble, to not require or demand praise and fame and to live for something bigger and more important than themselves.

And every time I see one of those reunions online or television I cry. I'm moved by their sacrifice, by their lack of self-adulation and how they model what is truly important. It's time for our country to start tiring of the endless award shows, cocky athletes and arrogant musicians who think that somehow they represent the values and attitudes of the country. They don't.

It's time for us to quit watching, quit applauding and quit indirectly asking for more of their boasting. Let's stop buying their products, going to some of their movies and voting for them to get another trophy.

And perhaps most important, let's make sure we point each other and our children toward those examples of soldiers, volunteers, missionaries, non-profit leaders and the like who do what they do not because it's about them, but rather about others.

That's humility . . . with a capital H.

Avoiding the Quicksand of Entitlement In Your House

Every year the Johnson's go skiing in Aspen during their school system's winter break. Annually the Allen's go to Florida for Christmas. The Ryder family hasn't missed attending the Rose Bowl in decades. When a new phone comes out the Thompson's always upgrade right away.

Deidre has a shopping spree with mom every fall and spring to make sure she has the latest clothes. And the kids at the Franklin's always get to go to the best camps in the city to improve their athletic abilities. And none of them have ever ridden in a car that is more than two or three years old.

Now of course there is nothing wrong with family traditions, enjoying special opportunities, owning nice things or having a luxurious trip now and then. But many families make the mistake of providing each other and their children with what can easily become expected advantages, not privileges. Rather than learning to look forward to something that isn't the norm, the family can begin to feel entitled to those things and become angry if they don't get them.

What are we teaching our kids in the process? We may even be teaching them that they are entitled to be happy, be comfortable, always be first, have the best and not want for much of anything. And yet the Bible is filled with reminders of how important it is to learn to be content no matter what we have or do not have.

Let me suggest a few things that can keep you and your family from the entitlement trap or quicksand?

First, don't necessarily do too many special things EVERY year. Break things up by going and serving somewhere, even at home, instead. Make some of your trips or luxuries something you do every two or three years. Let special opportunities remain special.

Second, give more away as a family. Give your service as I mentioned or money or other resources. Teach your kids to save some money to help somebody else. Perhaps provide a trip or special gift for a single mom and her kids to enjoy. Teach your kids to give back to God through your church which will be used locally and around the world.

Third, talk about and experience the more important idea of enjoying each other in simpler ways. Spend some time playing games, talking, doing some fun things locally and having people over to your home. Don't allow individual activity and gain substitute for relationship with each other. Again, consider using your home and other resources as a way to care for and enjoy each other and the people around you.

Fourth, pray together about other opportunities to give not get. Spend regular time talking about and telling God thank you for the many ways you are blessed apart from all the perks and special things you get to do.

You see, we need to remember that everything we have is from God anyway.  He's just loaned it to us for now. To become entitled simply says to God we think we deserve it. And the problem is that we don't.

Love Jesus? Just Do It!

I love my wife Jackie. Perfectly? Nope, but as passionately as I can. And I often come up with, discover or even learn from others' example great ways to express that love better. But I have a feeling that you and others who know me would get annoyed if I constantly either suggested that my new ways of loving were better than yours or intimated that they were perhaps the standard for everyone.

And yet I hear some pastors, leaders and everyday people suggesting that their new strategy or idea for living out their Christian faith and love for Christ is the newest, brightest, most spiritual and best way. They say or at least imply in their message, comments or even Facebook post that they've now discovered the real way to love, a way that others have apparently been missing for years, perhaps even centuries.

I often read or hear that if I just gave more sacrificially, served the poor more, sold my home and downsized, gave up social media for a month, fasted, went on a missions trip or did something truly radical that I would genuinely be showing my love for Jesus just like them.

The problem is that none of us who follow Christ have to be like them or like anyone except Jesus. There are myriad ways to live out our faith and God has given us all unique situations, personalities, gifts and opportunities to be Jesus in and to our culture. Add to that people in other cultures to whom our American ideas for spirituality and Christ following would make little sense at all.

Can we learn from the example and urgings of others?  Of course and we should. There is a place for pushing one another to new levels of love and obedience. But too often likely well-meaning people want to find the Holy Grail of discipleship or Christ - following when we would be better to just live out our personal commitment with all the passion and fervor we can offer. We don't need to talk about it, pontificate, brag or tell others how they should live for Jesus like we do.

If we have received a new nudge from God to ratchet up our commitment to Christ, like a husband or wife might for their spouse, then we should just DO IT passionately and humbly.

Jesus can handle the challenges people need to hear and will stimulate genuine heart change. We should just love Jesus, model it and keep learning. My hunch is that others will notice anyway.

Boring Consistency: A Cornerstone of Great Marriages

I'm a musician. I've been playing keyboards of some kind since I was eight. And I used to hate practicing. All those scales, chords and arpeggios in different keys. There was painful fingering that often caused me to want to quit.

Thankfully my parents made me stay at it knowing that I had some natural talent and that they had spent a lot of money on lessons that could have been used for other important things, too.

I didn't realize it then, but I certainly do now.  Sometimes the best, most important things require boring consistency, doing the same thing over and over because there is a wonderful result ahead. Athletes, artists, mechanics, surgeons and airplane pilots also know this. They do things over and over to both improve and to be able to make important decisions quickly.

The same is true in marriage. Staying true to your spouse, doing the right thing, being loving day after day even when life is hard can be boring. Others may taunt us that a life of running around and doing your own thing is more "fun."  The problem is that the results aren't the same.  The fun is short-lived, while the fulfillment of a commitment and deepening relationship with our spouse lasts and causes us to find deeper intimacy.

So what are some perhaps boring habits, repetitive actions and attitudes that will help our marriages to be rich and last?

Saying impacting words.  We may have tired of saying "I love you," or think our spouse knows that already but keep doing it. Find some new ones to spice it up but don't quit.

Doing little loving actions that your spouse likes.  Maybe it's the coffee you make in the morning, the favorite meal you cook or filling the car with gas. Don't stop even though it's boring.

Planning special events together. You may not like everything your spouse enjoys but do some of those things over and over anyway. You can take turns but don't bail on your part.

Going to church and serving others. Your spiritual foundation is what supports everything else. It may not be as exciting or interesting as you'd like it but go get reoriented with God's truth and the encouragement of other believers. You may feel like you've done the same task for years but remember it matters to someone.

What else in your marriage is good but a little boring?  Make a new commitment this year to keep doing it. Thank your spouse for keeping his or her commitments too. If there's too much boredom then talk with your spouse about spicing things up as well.

Too many marriages are tanking because people give up and quit. Don't let yours be one of them.

Lessons in Love From a McDonald's Manager

Recently I visited a Michigan Mc Donald's to pick up some food to take out. And I was not there long to see that most of the help, even those behind the counter, were people with special needs. I found myself wondering how that might work especially with customers on a tight schedule who were likely in a hurry.

Would these people working take longer? Would anyone care? What if they made a mistake or couldn't figure out what to do next?

I soon found out. The sweet woman waiting on me was very pleasant but it took her longer to find things on the cash register. Several times she needed help. I wasn't in a hurry and would like to think I would not have cared about her slowness even if I was.

What impressed me next and most however was her manager. She was amazing. She was holding down the busy drive-thru lane but graciously moved away from her work theree and helped the woman in my line or anyone else.

She always treated her team with respect and spoke kindly. She never openly showed frustration or exasperation. She was a saint.

I think we can all learn from her no matter who we are dealing with and especially in our own homes.

We can first speak graciously and kindly.  We all have weaknesses, faults and make mistakes. We need to still treat each other with respect, honor and forgiveness. Jesus said to love others the way we love ourselves.

My wife and I just faced one of the worst weekends of our life with an extended family member and realized how cruel people can be with their words especially. The damage can be destructive.

But we can all also look for the best in people. That McDonald's manager did just that and she is making a difference in lives. Even with our spouses or children we can always want more rather than be thankful for and bless the good in them. Does that mean we overlook the negatives? Of course not.

This woman leader corrected her help every time but encouraged them as she did it. We must do the same. All salt and no sugar eventually leads to sour.

Who in your world needs to be treated with more love, dignity and grace?  Start today honoring, encouraging and blessing them with your words and actions even when you have to say hard things. Remember God does the same with us every day.

Some New Year Challenges For Your Marriage

I don't know what your specific marriage needs but after several decades of counseling and being married I have a pretty good idea what every marriage needs. Like a great golf swing, recipe or piano sonata, doing anything well always require certain foundational skills and ingredients.

Individuality must be layered over a strong foundation.

So here are a few of those less-talked-about marriage components that you might consider for work on during your new year. And no matter how well any of us are doing we can all improve. In fact continually working on our relationship is what will keep us going for a lifetime.

First, improve the little things that can end up big things. For example, speak more kindly in the every day moments. If you have a habit of speaking abruptly or without much feeling, work on getting a little softer and adding some understanding and emotion.

Give compliments more often, help out where you normally would not and surprise your spouse with some kindness. Commit to pray for the other every day even if you don't talk about it. Small changes now can make for huge differences years from now.

Second, make more time for each other. Plan (together) some time away and add some regular down time for just the two of  you. You may have to leave some things out but who cares?  They're probably not that important. If  you have kids it will be important that they too see you make each other a priority. As I've said in other posts, the number one cause of marital discord is when couples quit acting like friends.

And husbands be sure you join in on the planning.  Letting your wife put together a trip and you just going along for the ride misses out on the intimacy occurs when you work in tandem.

Third, get out of debt. This topic requires whole posts and even books full of discussion but the concept is simple. Too many couples today are swimming in loans and payments that steal from their marriage and home. Start the process of downsizing, limiting your expenditures and saving. Read a book or two by Dave Ramsey or Ron Blue for specific help.

Start somewhere to save, give to God and to invest for your future. 

Fourth, reach a new height or two in your faith. Don't just let your faith become a routine. Stimulate your relationship with God through a mission trip, new Bible study, personal growth plan, accountability partner or other service opportunity. Following Christ is also about growing, changing and becoming. It won't happen by itself.

Don't let this new year just slip away and be another year in your relationship. Start today making it the best year so far doing it one step at a time.

What It Will Take To Keep A Resolution This Year

Of course this is the time of year when many people start make resolutions, turning over new leaves and hoping to finally win the battle to lose some pounds, start exercising, quit smoking, begin school or whever. And my hunch is that most of those people are pretty serious and sincere.

But so many of those hopes, dreams and goals simply never happen. Why? And what WILL it take for us to finally look back and realize we actually did accomplish something in the new year?

I think there are a couple of key ingredients for success. First, we need a crisis mentality. A good friend of mine just discovered that some cancer he had had removed has returned other places. While it was serious before it's a potential personal crisis now.

I know this. He doesn't need anyone's motivation, list of resolutions or accountability partner to fight this now with all of his being. If he doesn't the results will likely be disastrous. And yes we hope that many of our goals aren't that serious but we need to think more that way. For example, we might need to lose ten pounds or more.

What if we started thinking that if I don't lose this weight I could end up gaining more, becoming more unhealthy and perhaps not be able to enjoy my family the way I could if I got healthier? To not lose weight with this kind of thinking could be a crisis. That would probably motivate us a lot more than just a list.

More significantly, what if we thought about the consequences of not getting our finances together, working on a relationship or stopping a habit or practice that could destroy our marriage? That might get us going.

Second, we must have a plan. The old adage, you don't plan to fail you just fail to plan, fits here. Write down not only your big goal but the little goals you need to get there. Have someone doing it with you if possible. Make deadlines for when you will start, join a club or group, start classes, etc.

Ideally, have an accountability partner keeping tabs on you, too. Make sure they are ruthless. Plan to work and work the plan.

Third, we must get real. So many of our resolutions are just talk, way beyond our resources or ability and discourage us just thinking about them. So start at a realistic trailhead. Make sure you can accomplish the first few steps before you commit to the bigger ones. And if you can't really do this find something else! You don't have to climb Everest. There are other smaller mountains to climb first.

Fourth, anticipate and then enjoy your early successes. Dave Ramsey, financial expert, tells couples in large amounts of debt to first pay off the smallest amount. That way they get success and can apply those funds to the next smallest sum. We need to do the same no matter what our goal is. Get to the first plateau and celebrate it, encourage yourself and look forward to the next one.

Finally, remember that God wants you to grow, become more like Jesus and to be the person He intended. Invite Him into the process, ask Him for strength and wisdom along the way.Christ followers actually have God's power in them to do more than they could otherwise.  Use it.

If you'll tackle your resolutions wisely and with God's help they might just turn into a personal revolution!