Is There a ME in Marriage?

There's a billboard near our house advertising diamonds that says, "She'll owe you big time!"  Of course the idea is that if he buys her their beautiful diamond engagement ring she will be somehow obligated to him later. He'll get something in return for him. Wow. Really?  Now there's a great motive for marriage.

On the other hand, it's a fair question to ask, "When people marry do they totally give up themselves?  Is there no place for ME in my marriage?"  Or to use the old cliche-laden idea, there is an "I" in marriage, isn't there?

Well, as presidents so often like to say, let me be perfectly clear.  Marriages won't make it and really aren't much of a marriage if either or both partners is more concerned about themselves than the other person.  Marriage is truly a union, a spiritual union as I see it, that is more than two people signing a paper, living in the same house and having sex.

It requires an understanding and acting out of sacrificial love, care for each other, the willingness to share hopes, dreams, finances and the future. It involves an emotional and spiritual meshing of two lives where they become better and stronger as one than they ever were separate.

However, they do not and cannot lose their individuality.  Married people don't and shouldn't become some amorphous blob where each person disappears. Let me suggest several ME actions that we as spouses must take if we want to keep our marriages thriving, healthy and growing.

First, we must continue to do those things that fill ME up emotionally, spiritually and physically.  Some of those things we may do together as couples but some we may not.  We need time to think, to read, to ponder, to relax and to plan. When our "tank" is empty we then have less to give to the other person.

Second, we must have freedom and a forum to express ME thoughts and emotions.  This is one that both spouses must encourage, welcome and embrace for the other. Too many couples make little time or rarely give permission for their spouse to be honest, authentic and struggle emotionally.  Some spouses treat other out there ideas from their partner as silly and unrealistic. We're often pretty lame at listening and understanding each other.

Third, we must protect ME if abusive or dangerous situations arise because of our spouse.  There's nothing noble or loving about staying in a home where your life is in danger. In a healthy marriage people don't just take it when things become critical.

Fourth, we must keep affirming our own worth and value.  We may not feel lovable, smart or that we have purpose but we do matter in spite of our past or current circumstances. We may not deserve it in human terms but God's love is bigger than our weaknesses.  Jesus said we must love others as we love ourselves. So we must learn to love ourselves as He loves us, not in some arrogant way but with humble thanks.

In fact, when we feel more confident about who we are we demand less that the other person somehow make us feel good enough.

So you see there is an "I" in marriage and it is worth thinking about ME.  It fact it's vital and important. Just don't make everything at home about ME.  Then you just become a pain.

Who Are We REALLY Worshipping?

There's a lot of internet traffic out there right now about a well-known pastor and outstanding communicator named Rob Bell. Apparently he has a book coming out that says that a loving God would never send people to Hell and as a result Love Wins, the title of his book I believe. Hell is essentially empty.

And while it's tempting to jump into that discussion I'd rather talk about why I think the discussion is going on in the first place.  And I think the reasons do give us something as spouses and parents to consider in our homes and families.

Let me start with a question.  If Rob Bell were not famous, the writer of many books, the principal teacher of numerous videos and a regular conference speaker around the country and world, would we care much about his views on Heaven and Hell?  I doubt it unless we were attending his church or part of his family.

A lot of people care about Bell, however, because he is well known, people look to him for insight and seek out his superb teaching.  And sadly many seem to have also elevated his words, perspectives and even final thoughts on all matters theological equal to those of the Spirit.  And I'm pretty sure that was never Rob's desire nor is it really his fault.

I run into all the time people who also seem close to deifying their favorite speaker, author or teacher: Rick Warren, John Ortberg, John Piper, Mark Driscoll, Joel Osteen, John MacArthur, Joyce Meyer . . . the list goes on and on. In their minds what that leader says about anything goes . . . it is THE truth, THE perspective and THE only way to look at the Bible or its implications. The first thing out of many well-meaning Christian's mouths is . . . "Well so and so says . . . " before "This is what the Bible says."

And when that happens we are on shaky ground. Yes, God has given any of us who speak or teach the privilege of teaching the Bible as accurately, clearly and compellingly as possible but none of us has the final word on anything that is not clear and obvious in Scripture. Maybe we've forgotten that.

I wonder if we've not begun to worship more the messenger than the Messiah, the pastor than the Priest, the author than the Ancient of Days.  Do we want to hear the words of the Rob Bell's more than the Word of Life, Jesus Himself?

So that when a Rob Bell stirs the pot about Hell (and he may be totally wrong for all I know), we fear that so many may become confused or led astray because of the thousands of  people who follow and perhaps worship him.  Maybe if we adored our teachers less and our Savior more we wouldn't get so upset when our spiritual heroes aren't quite as perfect as we think.

How about as leaders in our homes we commit right now to keeping our eyes first and foremost on Jesus?  He's the only Savior, the only one who died for the world and the ultimate author of truth.  Teach that, model it and speak about it in your home.  Perhaps we need to do a better job of balancing our own personal study and worship with that of listening to our favorites and expecting them to feed us.

Second, how about we pray more for our leaders, pastors, teachers and preachers that they remain humble, authentic and students of the Word?  Let's let even famous people be human.  Yes, we can challenge and disagree where necessary but we can still respect them as fellow believers and Christ followers.

And finally, let's be loving, no matter what.  We must speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15), we must model love, we must show others who are watching that love still guides us.  Because as some pastor once said, "Love wins."

Learning to Parent in the Still Water

I've never forgotten an illustration that Pastor Gordon McDonald told years ago, one that I've since learned more about firsthand. When you go whitewater rafting they first teach you the proper techniques, commands and responses to trouble when you are on land. Then once you're in the raft they have you practice while you're in the slowly moving water.  The whole idea is to help you get ready for the challenges of the bigger rapids downstream.

It was an important reminder that it's always foolish to wait to learn how to do anything challenging once you're in the middle of the struggle.  The same is true of parenting.  Our kids are going to test us - our patience, our reactions and our perseverance.  So we must do what we can to prepare in the still waters of our homes for what might happen in the class four and five rapids of everyday life.

Of course we can't prepare for every possibility, but we can do our best.  For example, have you decided what you will do when your child misbehaves in a store, restaurant or other public setting?  Do you know what you will do as they push back when you give them a deadline, time or instruction?  If you're married have you and your spouse agreed on common actions and alternatives that you will use together when your children aren't their normal angelic selves?

Now what you do is up to you.  There are a variety of approaches and responses, many of which are best determined by you the parent who know your child best. Discipline ideas and suggestions are for another time.  But I can't say enough about thinking through your options and strategies ahead of time.

First of all, you will be more confident.  Your child will be less likely to try to get you to respond differently if they see that you aren't willing to waver.  Second, you will be more comfortable being out with your kids.  Third, you will have more success in getting them to respond to your guidelines and direction. Finally, you will be less likely to get out of control and to say or do inappropriate things out of mere frustration and anger.

So, get ready for the rough water.  It's up ahead for sure.  But meet it well, knowing that you are as ready as you'll ever be.  It will be worth the time and you just might find those swirling rapids weren't as bad as you thought!

Nobody Wants To Have The Sex Talk, Right?

OK, so we know it's coming but we really hope we can just skip it. Why can't our kids just stay little, innocent and without any urges? Why do we have to talk with our kids about sex when it just makes us red-faced, nervous and nauseous while we're pretty sure they're just as panicked.

Well, first consider the alternatives. They can just learn all their information on their own.  You know, get a healthy view of sexuality from TV, movies and their friends. Not likely. I have two words that should make you think twice about that . . . Charlie Sheen.

Or you can hand them a book and hope they will read it and understand it all.  And yes, they will probably devour that book, maybe even read it several times, but at some point their going to say . . . "What?  Are you kidding me? I thought . . . "  Don't they deserve a little more explanation?

So, while it's a challenge to broach this important subject there is something important and fulfilling about knowing you were likely the most influential person in helping your child understand the facts of life.  And it's important that you start fairly soon.

When?  I would suggest no later than ten or so depending upon your child of course.  But at ten they're starting to wonder and in this culture they are hearing things in school, on the street and of course through the media.  So it's better to risk being early than too late.

Since we had a boy and a girl, my wife and I each took part of a weekend away, her with our daughter and me with our son, and combined both fun and sex ed together.  We used one of a number of excellent sets of recorded talks out there that hit the basics of maturing, adolescence and of course sex.  They were designed to lead to questions and discussion ideas for the two of us to talk about.

It was nice having someone else get the process going rather than just dig in on our own.  We spread out the discussions over a couple of days of shopping, fun activities, swimming at the hotel and the like.  You can then follow up later with other materials that will help them as they mature more.

So is it time for you to set up a weekend or at least get the process started.  Do it whatever way you choose but go for it.  You'll help your kids know what it means to be human and they'll also see a little more humanity in you.  Remember, God made sex so help your kids see it as something special He made for us all to enjoy.

Who Did We Miss Today?

"Rebecca Wells, a compliance auditor and USC graduate, died in her cubicle Friday, but no one noticed her body for an entire day. The LA County employee was eventually noticed by a security guard on Saturday afternoon. Her body was found slumped over her desk, according to reports."

That news story ran just the other day. A fifty-one year old woman passed away at work and no one saw her struggle, take her last breath or lay there alone. And of course we don't know the circumstances and perhaps this was just a quirky situation that no one could have helped.

But unfortunately, there are people dying all around us every day.  No, not physically, but emotionally and spiritually. Their marriage is tanking, kids are hurting, job is gone, they feel like no one cares, and their personhood has taken all sorts of hits that make them feel worthless. In addition, many of them have no understanding that God loves them, cares about them and wants to give them life, real life.


I remember one of my grad school teachers and respected author Larry Crabb telling us to remember that, People are hurting more deeply than we know.  And yes, we're often surprised by the ones right around us - coworkers, church attenders, leaders and even family members who all of a sudden expose some deep wound that we never knew about.


And we can never know people's thoughts and emotions that they aren't willing to share but we can at least open the door to being a caring, loving friend, spouse or parent who might be the help they need.  How?


First, listen beneath the words.  You don't have to be a therapist to do this.  Just listen for generic statements that may send a deeper message.  A potential exchange:   "How are you today?"  "Oh, fine."  "Just fine?"


Now don't be a pain on this one.  If they say, "Yes, just fine," then let it go. But sometimes people will let you in to talk more and will welcome your concern.  Spouses and parents would be wise to practice this and do it well and often.


Second, build relationships that welcome openness.  My boss regularly asks me, "How's your heart?" And I know he means it and really wants to know.  I also know I can trust him.  That kind of relationship takes time but he doesn't have to work really hard to hear about when I'm struggling.  This should come naturally for spouses and parents but often we don't go here with each other. Start early and respond lovingly no matter what you hear and you will be surprised at the results.


Third, model openness.  When my boss and I share I also feel comfortable telling him things because I've seen his heart, too. He models authenticity.  We must do the same with others especially in our homes.  But instead home can become a place where we keep stockpiling all sorts of things we never talk about: disappointments, failures, being sad, and the like. Instead make your home a place where it's safe to mess up, make a mistake and be hurting inside.


Who might be dying in your world or home today?  Get next to them, speak to them words of life and offer them a listening ear that just might be the resuscitation they needed to stay alive and healthy.

Nothing Says LOVE Like When We Says It

Every year there is Valentine's Day. Most wives have spent time either pouring over the cards in the card shop or like my wife, making one. Most guys will be trying to find a store still open after midnight and will pick out a card in less than sixty seconds. (I actually picked one out that quickly once but hung around a few minutes longer just to make sure the woman nearby didn't think I was just a  heartless jerk going through the motions. And I really did get a nice card!)

And yes, those special touches, the gifts, nice dinner, flowers and cards are helpful reminders that our sweetheart is really special. But maybe we put a little too much stock IN an object to express our love when our spouse needs to be more the object OF our love.

So what am I saying about love?  Express it verbally. Yep, say it - often, meaningfully and in variety of times, places and ways.  Don't be like the crotchety husband who replied when asked why he never said "I love you" anymore, "I told you I loved you the day we got married.  That should be enough."

Really?  No, it's not enough. There is power in our words for good and bad. Say it on the phone, when you separate at the beginning of the day, when you come home, when you're being romantic, when you just need to. Hearing "I love you" is like adding fuel to the emotional tank of our spouse.  When we keep making healthy deposits into one another's health reservoir we help them build up a reserve that will sustain them through the not-so-nice struggles and disappointments of life.

It will be much easier for us to deal with hurts, disappointments and even conflict if we have a positive balance in our love bank. Saying the words helps stamp our feelings for one another more deeply into the recesses of our souls.

And we must remember that we can have short memories when it comes to being loved.  Love must be expressed, modeled and most of all said out loud.  Those three little words, "I love you," have the power to heal a wound, restore a heavy heart and poured renewed strength and energy into a troubled soul.

When will your next opportunity be to say "I love you" to your spouse?  Will you take advantage of it?  I hope so. Because we must never forget that the next opportunity will someday be our last! Don't wait.  Just say it - now.

Are You Doing HOME Maintenance?

We just experienced extended, freezing temperatures in Austin, TX. That doesn't happen very often. We even got an inch of snow, the kind of thing that only shows up once or twice a decade! Unfortunately a lot of homes and their owners weren't prepared for these unusual stresses.

As a result, pipes froze and broke. And before long what started as a slow leak turned into a major flood and some unfortunate damage occurred for some.

The same can be true in families. They don't prepare well, haven't provided the kind of insulation and warmth their homes need and let slip some of the important emotional maintenance that should have been taking place all along.  And if they're not careful, the drip, drip, drip of family or spousal concerns can become a damaging flood that no one saw coming.

So, while we can't avoid family struggles and concerns, we can at least do our best to manage and maintain.  How?  Well, don't get apathetic.  Don't assume everyone's just fine. Listen to each other, take inventory now and then, ask some questions.  Sometimes just spending meaningful, focused time with your spouse and/or kids will help you know what's going on and what needs attention.

Anticipate the potential problems.  A lot of people where we live found out they didn't know where the water shut off valve was and when the flooding started were in big trouble. Have you determined what you will do in a crisis?  Do people in your family see you as a cool cucumber when stress comes or are you the one who freaks out every time something goes even slightly wrong?  Do you have some helpful valves so to speak that will help deal with anger, disappointment, and even tragedy?

Do you have  resources and people who you can call on to help you through the hard times?

Keep learning. None of us has all the answers. Our community shared a lot of ideas through an email connection I happen to facilitate when the problems started happening.  We all learned a lot, some the hard way.  Nonetheless, I think everyone knows now that we need to be a bit more intentional about learning what we can in the still water (excuse the pun) before we hit the rough waters.

So keep reading, listening, and gaining from the insights of other wise people about marriage and parenting.  Grow your soul through your relationship with God and spend time with others who have walked the path before you.

And when a family pipe bursts at your house maybe you'll be a bit more ready next time. Or perhaps you'll have done enough to keep it from happening in the first place!