Rewards For Kids or Good For Nothing?

The Smiths pay their kids for good grades. The Johnsons wouldn't think of it. The Andersons have found that providing financial and privilege incentives for their elementary-aged children really motivates them but the Davis' think kids need to learn to do their part without complaining.

Parents and so-called parenting "experts" have disagreed for decades about whether children should be given anything beyond the pride of accomplishment for helping at home, doing well in school, practicing their instrument and the like. And my hunch is that you blog readers will have varying views on the subject. I'd love to hear from you.

Nonetheless, while I'm far from the last word on anything, let me offer a few principles or guidelines that you might at least ponder as you do your best to teach, motivate and mature your kids.

First, remember what motivates you. My hunch is that while you may love your job, it's the money, bonuses and vacation time that keep you at the top of your game and going to work everyday. Incentives aren't inherently wrong so don't totally throw them out of your parenting manual.

Second, if you use rewards, allowance and other incentives don't apply them to everything or use them all the time.  Special bonuses should come later and not be the norm. When your kids are little they can learn how to help pick up, do simple chores and assist mom and dad just because they're family too. Teaching kids a healthy work ethic usually finds its foundation in learning to labor well whether there's a personal benefit or not.

Third, you can use rewards to teach children important life lessons.  For example, they can learn to save, to not always get what they want immediately and even to begin to give offerings to God. A simple allowance or some special pay for an over-the-expected chore can provide you  and them some learning capital with which to teach and train. They can also learn that even though you have something (like a salary) you won't keep it if you don't work, show up on time and do things well.

Finally, rewards can often help a child who is struggling an extra push toward reaching an important goal. Not every child will be a naturally good student, athlete, musician or worker at home. Sometimes though that extra nudge from mom and dad with a reward can motivate them and teach them that sometimes working extra hard is worth it in very tangible ways.

So, you'll have to decide what works best at your house but keep the options open when it comes to motivating your kids. I don't think I've ever met an adult who felt like they were emotionally messed up because their parents rewarded them now and then for hard work. But I have met a lot more individuals and couples whose parents didn't teach them much of anything about money, time and resources and they're paying a high price now.

Love Means You Really Do Need To Say You're Sorry

If you're at least forty-five or fifty then you probably remember a sappy, but very popular movie from years ago called Love Story. It was probably one of the most viewed movies that year although I don't think it won any major awards.  Nonetheless, the most famous line of that film was no doubt, Love means you never have to say you're sorry.

Yep, nice movie line. Unfortunately it was untrue then and it's just as silly today. In fact, the more counseling I do, the more I see struggling couples digging in their heals to do anything but say they're sorry.

Why? Well for some their worth as a person is horribly fragile. They simply do not want to admit they're wrong. To admit a mistake about this one thing (as simple as it might be) is to risk the possibility that their spouse will think they are a total loser. Of course that would rarely be the case but the fear is too great.

Others have unfortunately been brought up that way. Mom and/or dad just said things - rude, crude or lewd - and everyone just looked the other way or went on with business as usual. Manners along with kind words of "thanks, please or excuse me" just weren't part of the family's vocabulary. It was the "sticks and stones may break my bones . . . " mentality but no one ever talked about it and the pain it caused.

And yet marriage experts such as John Gottman and others have shown how statements like I'm sorry show the other person that you really are willing to try to repair a mistake or situation and it encourages the spouse to believe that you will do it again. It's a function of learning to start over or re-try a situation so that it's handled more effectively and with compassion, not enmity. It's part of friendship development, something sadly missing in most troubled marriages.

Saying I'm sorry is not an admission that you're the whole problem. It's just taking ownership for your part in it. It doesn't diminish your personhood, it enhances it. Admitting you've made a mistake keeps you real, human and more accepting of other's errors including those of your spouse or children.

Showing humility in this way also teaches your kids healthier and more effective ways to handle disagreements and personal slip-ups, to be authentic and real.

And perhaps most importantly, you model in your home what real love is.  The love chapter (I Corinthians 13) in the New Testament speaks of love being patient, kind, gentle and not keeping an account of wrongs suffered. God's love in us flourishes most when grace is needed.

So say you're sorry, will you?  To your kids, your spouse, your friends, your associates.  It really won't hurt you. it certainly won't kill you and you will be no less as a person. In fact, it will slowly begin to change you . . . for the better.

Celebrating Your Marrige Every Day

Today is our thirty-fifth wedding anniversary!  On the one hand it seems like we've been married forever (we've been married much longer than we were single!).  Other times though we wonder where all those years went.

We have usually enjoyed celebrating  in pretty simple ways each year - a quiet dinner, a weekend away, tickets to a concert. We've never needed a lot of fancy things. We're still wearing the same rings that we put on June 26th, 1976. Jackie is wonderfully creative so I've enjoyed many handmade cards and gifts. She unfortunately is married to a not so handy person so I buy the classic card or small gift punctuated by a song I've written now and then for extra special years.  I can write music, but my presents never equal hers!

We did celebrate twenty-five years with a dream trip to Austria and Switzerland and just returned from an awesome land/cruise to Alaska for thirty-five. At this point in life we're thinking we had better do a few more bigger trips or we're going to run out of time to finish our bucket list.

However, whatever ways you and your spouse choose to celebrate anniversaries I want to challenge you to in a sense celebrate your love every day. No, not with chocolates, roses, trips or concert tickets. But more with little, thoughtful acts of kindness and love that let one another know again and again they are loved and special.

And usually couples sort of develop and negotiate these over time and they differ from marriage to marriage.  For example, we often sit together on the couch with my legs on hers or vice versa. We surprise each other with a treat we know the other person likes. We do something tangible that the other person might not care to do - put gas in the car, iron a shirt, or kill a spider. Those are all little touches of love.

As a pastor I'm busy a lot on weekends but as much as possible I try to sit with Jackie during one of the services unless I'm teaching. (I'm teaching on our anniversary today by the way - what else is new?)  We make one day a week available to each other to just be together, often doing something special, sometimes running errands.  The point is that it's just us and it reminds us of our commitment to each other.

We say "I love you" a lot and speak with respect even when we have conflict. We try never to talk negatively about the other person outside our home. We try not to let irritations simmer.  We say thank you and I appreciate all you do and that sort of thing in everyday moments.

We've been far from perfect all these years but we do know this, marriages hang together for long periods of time when love is expressed is some way most every day.  What little loving habits do you have or could you develop?

You'll have to come up with what works and impacts each other best in your relationship.  But don't merely wait for the big days and the major anniversaries. Yes, plan for those, celebrate and have fun. But share some of your love every day and you'll more likely celebrate more and more of those major milestones together year after year.

How To Make Your Marriage Last - part 2

So let me continue what I began in my last post about helping your marriage last until death do you part.  It's not easy, there are no simple recipes but there are a few principles that can help.

Brag about your spouse to others. No, don't make things up. But be sure to speak well about your mate to your friends, relatives, neighbors and associates.  I regularly hear about people who tell jokes, gripe and make fun of their husband or wife to others. And now and then when you both agree there's a funny story to be told about the other that's fine.

But our speech about our spouse needs to affirm and build up the other person even when they don't hear our comments. I'm pretty sure that many people say negative things about their spouse so that they themselves won't look so bad. That's a crummy excuse and our resulting words end up hurting the other person and destroying trust. Speak words of life and tell the world about all the great things your mate is and does.

Keep learning more about intimacy of body, soul and spirit. I've spoken on this in other posts so go to the index and click on "intimacy"  for more. However, intimacy of soul and spirit takes much more intentionality and practice than the physical part.  The interesting and important thing is that all three areas complement one another. As we develop all three we help all three.

Serve others together.  One of the best ways to develop intimacy and grow your relationship is to serve, do projects and help others together. Working as a couple helps you bond and gives you something special to talk about later. And if you become involved in an endeavor that is ongoing it becomes both of your passions and you enjoy it together.  Serving especially helps you grow stronger even in the middle of struggles.

It shouldn't take the place of working on your problems, but serving can help growth to speed up.

Don't allow your relationships with your kids to become more important than yours.  Our kids are important and should be one of the loves of our lives. Ours are. I would take a bullet for either of them, their spouses or our grandkids. I couldn't be prouder of them all.

But we've tried to both teach and model for them that our marriage and their marriage is always more important than their parenting. We're to love, protect and provide for our children but one day we're to set them free to live, lead and love on their own. And during that whole process we're to model what a healthy marriage is all about. And healthy marriages don't live vicariously through their offspring.

Healthy spouses keep loving each other, working at their relationship and thereby teaching their kids to do the same.

So do you want to keep your marriage for a lifetime?  I would guess you do.  It's work, it's not easy, but it's worth it. Happy anniversary . . . whenever it is.

How To Make Your Marriage Last - Part 1

My wife Jackie and I just returned from a twelve -day thirty-fifth anniversary trip to Alaska.  No, we don't do big trips like that very often but certain special anniversaries have encouraged us to try something a little grander now and then.

How do you have a marriage that lasts thirty-five years or more?  I met a couple the other day who'd been married sixty years!  I felt like a marital youngster at that point.  But I too had to ask myself how will we make it another 25 years if we live that long?  I'm not totally sure.  There aren't any simple recipes, I know that. Everyone's life experiences, personalities and families will bring different dynamics to a marriage.

All I've got to offer are a couple of observations, perhaps even significant enough to be principles, that will at least increase your chances to have a marriage that lasts till death do you part.  Since there are quite a few I'll do some this time and add a few more in my next post.  Here we go:

First, renew your commitment to each other by your actions every day.  Living out a marriage happens one decision, one choice, one action and one experience at a time. Yes, at the altar we make a public commitment but we make private ones daily and those are what keep us going. Choose to love, to act responsibly, to give to the other person over and over. Even in the middle of conflict we can respond in ways that are healthy, positive and godly choices. They're not always easy responses but they must be the fuel for our ongoing commitment.

Which leads me to number two: deal with conflict and deal with it well.  We joke all the time that we've been married thirty-five years (or whatever number it is at the moment) and they've been thirty-two of the happiest years of our lives.  Hmm . . . that means there are three years or so that weren't happy.  Yep, that's probably true  . . . the rough moments came one hour or day at a time.

And maybe the number is more or less for you but there will be conflict and unhappy days. How do you handle it well?  Learn to communicate in healthy ways.  And if you don't know how get some help. Read books or go to some of my earlier blogs on communication. Get counseling.  Don't settle for excuses like, "That's just the way I am, " or "My parents fought this way all the time and it worked out for them."  If your conflict resolution is destructive or at best harmful, fix it.

Also admit it when you're wrong. No one is right all the time and no one needs to be right all the time. Tell the truth, admit your weaknesses . . .it's part of being intimate with the other person.  And learn to listen, understand and be patient.  You must be relentless about getting into the soul of the other person.

A third principle is: make time together a high priority no matter what stage of life you're in. We can argue that having kids or a challenging job or greater family responsibilities won't afford us the time. You can't afford NOT to take the time to be together. Of course it will vary and change depending upon your family circumstances but if you want your marriage to last you cannot let time with each other slide.

Have lunches, do things you both enjoy, find a hobby, talk and take big vacations now and then.  If we don't invest in our marriages we won't see a positive return down the road.  I hope you'll have some twenty-five, thirty-five and longer celebrations of your own.

Best Parenting Teen Ideas - part 2

I've learned over the years why God made teenagers. To punish us parents for the way we acted as children. OK, maybe that's not his purpose but it sure seems reasonable.

But let's face it one of our big struggles is that we simply don't know what they're going to do much of the time and frankly they don't either. They have these maturing, growing bodies facing all sorts of unknowns, peer pressures and challenges. But they typically don't have the emotional strength to handle all that. That's why they have melt downs or act out doing crazy things or take huge risks in order to be accepted.

So how do we as parents deal with them during these tough years while still enjoying the healthy spreading of their wings that will lead them to true independence?

First, we need to do a lot of talking and listening. Unfortunately if your kids are already teens and you haven't worked at this prior to adolescence the task will be much harder. Nonetheless, make times and relatively easy opportunities to just talk. Eat meals together, do some things alone, make conversations about hard things something normal not weird.

And don't buy into the silent treatment. Do not allow for doors to be slammed and for them to just walk away from any conversation. As I mentioned in my part one blog options are important. So do the same regarding conversation. You can say things like, "Ryan, you may not want to talk right at the moment, but when we get home (or in the morning or whatever) we need to have some time to talk about last night (or about your trip or whatever)."

When it's all said and done they need to learn to talk and really want to be heard and understood.

Second, let them know that you will keep your word. You don't have to be a tyrant but make it clear if you haven't already that if there is a curfew time you will hold them to it, expect them to call or meet whatever other boundaries you set. When you do this on the little things you'll be much more likely to be taken seriously on the bigger ones.

Even teens need to learn to keep rules and meet expectations. Yes, they should be given more freedoms as they get older but only if they're earning that freedom along the way. Our son was told that he had to call if he was going to be late and I told him I would be one of two places if he didn't call - in the car looking for him or on the phone with the police, especially if I thought that was warranted.

Not two weeks later we had an incident and I met him in my car in the middle of the street as he returned significantly late.  I was looking for him. I didn't yell, berate or give greater punishment than he deserved. But he knew I was serious about both discipline and looking out for him.  We didn't have a problem with lateness after that.

Too many parents don't take the time to do the hard work of both communicating effectively or setting reasonable boundaries and keeping them. You can be your kids' friend AND their parent but the parenting part always has to come first. And if you do that the friendship part will be even richer and stronger later when they're an adult.

Fighting the Good Fight In Your Marriage

A survey came out this week that suggests the average married couple fights or at least spar with each other seven times a day! That means there are some who must fight more and of course some less.  But the bigger questions seem to be, "How do we fight and why?  What purpose does our arguing accomplish? And are there better ways to handle our conflicts.

Yes, conflict is normal. Every couple has it. Couples who never disagree are likely facing some sort of denial, stonewalling or unhealthy lack of authenticity.

But there are definitely some things we can do to improve our communications at home especially when we're not on the same page. First of all, we need to deal with our personal worth. I've addressed this in other posts but if you believe that your spouse's criticisms of you have to do with your value as a person you will fight to the death to win. Unfortunately you won't fight fairly or effectively. You won't listen, you'll just be on the offensive or defensive the whole time.

The good news is that your value in God's eyes is never about other person's views of you. You can still be the important or valuable person you are whether your spouse agrees with you or not.

Second, communicate upfront more. In the age of cell phones, texting, emails and the like, we need to over-communicate. How many fights are generated because one or the other spouse simply didn't take the time to let the other person know their plans or change of plans, needs, goals, desires or even emergencies?

Do what you can ahead of time to let your spouse know what's going on in your world.  You're a team - that's only fair and right.

Third, learn to communicate your needs, concerns and frustrations in healthier ways. A most helpful tool is what is called speaking in the here and now. We tend during our spats to use phrases like you always or you never or attempt name-calling or comparisons to others to get our way. Each of those methods goes beyond the current problem and actually begins to speak unfairly about the other person's character, before, now and in the future.

Here and now communication is more like this . . . "I was really hurt last night when you talked about my weight in front of our friends."   But many couples would say, I can't believe you put me down last night just like you always do whenever you feel like it. You're just like your dad who doesn't care what he says and who hears it. I'm sick of it."

Healthy communication uses words and phrases that only speak about what is going on now. Then couples work to better understand the other person's feelings and what the other person needs or needed to avoid that feeling so much.


Changing communication patterns takes time and often the help of a counselor or therapist. But if you're arguing seven times a day, even though its supposedly average, I'd seriously consider that there is a better way!