Don't Miss The Warning Signs Before Marriage

John and Alice were so in love.  They couldn't wait to get married.  They'd known each other for a good while and everyone expected marriage was a given. They had a date planned for a wedding in about a year and were just beginning to put some details in place for their special day.

Nothing in their minds could keep them from committing to spend the rest of their lives together.

Sure there were a few things that irritated John. For one thing Alice spent nearly an hour every day on the phone with her mom. But they were probably also talking about wedding details so that didn't seem like a big deal.

He did notice that Alice's dad was pretty quiet and never said much but he was nice nonetheless and he and John's future mother-in-law seemed to get along well.

John did wonder from time to time about Alice's continued connection to an old boyfriend, but they just seemed to be good friends and John liked the guy too, so what was the big deal? Alice would often tell John that she wished he was a little more like Alex the former boyfriend, but she was just trying to help John, right?

But five years later, John began to wonder if he should have noticed some of Alice's tendencies, actions and habits. No, there would never be a perfect wife but had he missed some warning signs that would have told him about potential big problems later.

Because now, Alice continues to put more stock in her mother's views than his. Alice still sneaks around texting Alex, keeping their "friendship" going but not telling John. And to this day John has still never felt any respect or deep affection from Alice. She continues to belittle him about most everything and they have little intimacy of body, soul or spirit. He wonders if that's really the way her dad is.

When I deal with couples in marriage counseling, I have found (and so have they) that there were almost always signs during the dating phase of their relationship of potentially bad things to come.  But instead of talking about them, exploring more and even deciding not to marry the couples simply ignored the signs and hoped things would change or never show up at all.

Of course we must understand that we can never know our spouse completely when we marry. People change and so do circumstances. The covenant we make at the altar must endure beyond good feelings and be lived out through two imperfect people.

But there are warning signs that may also tell us this marriage shouldn't happen, that there are qualities, habits or attitudes in the other person or their family that will not help that marriage be a healthy and godly one. Do not ignore them.  You must explore them, talk through them with a qualified pastor or counselor and prayerfully consider whether the marriage will work and be fruitful.  A spouse who is not willing to look deeply within themselves is going to have trouble with honesty and authenticity later.

Some potential areas of concern to watch for are: unhealthy relationships or connections with parents or other family, unresolved abuse issues, strange marriage role perspectives, distorted views toward the opposite sex, unaddressed fear and anxiety concerns, distorted ideas concerning money, children or God.

So what does a person or couple do to avoid trouble later. First, take notice of the signs.  It may just start as a bad feeling but don't ignore it. Explore, get wisdom, find out more.

Second, talk about it with the other person.  Most of the time you need to get someone else involved who will help you both look honestly at your concern to determine if it's anything significant. This is why quality premarital counseling is essential!

Third, be willing to postpone your wedding or break up. There are far worse things one of them being sitting in an office like mine years later in despair with little hope knowing you made a big mistake and those hidden problems are now major problems for your relationship.

Marriage can be wonderful and it's always a growing, learning, giving and sacrificial commitment and covenant. But marriages with unrevealed disease and dysfunction are usually doomed to die a slow death. Don't miss the signs.  They're usually more obvious than you think.

Are You Wandering or Really Headed Somewhere?

At my mother-in-law's residential complex there is an innocent man named "Walter" who spends most of his day just wandering all over the grounds. They say he's harmless and he apparently bothers no one. But in an hour or two there we'll see him go by six or seven times. He looks like he's talking to someone but it's just to himself.

It's kind of sad to think that Walter spends his day, every day, just wandering through life. I've wondered what he's thinking, if anything. I'm sure there are some mental deficiencies that keep him locked up in that orbit most of the time.

But while most of us don't wander like Walter does, I've been challenged in my own life recently to make sure I'm not just wandering around either. Sure I may be much more functional, able to vary my actions, thoughts and responses and make decisions in ways that Walter can't, but I (and you) could still be wandering.

Let me suggest what our wandering might look like.

We can wander by just doing the same things, enjoying the same little pleasures and being happy with the same routines for years on end. I wrote on that in a recent post - go back and read it if you missed it. One of the things I notice about Walter is that his expression never changes.  Interestingly, I see a lot of people all around me like that as well.  Too many of us are probably just bored so why get too excited about anything?

Or we can wander by settling for life as it is. We may feel defeated or penalized or without purpose so we just settle for what we have, what we've done in the past and accomplish little of substance. We've quit trying to overcome our challenges and won't take on a new goal, job or activity because it's a little too scary.

Or we can wander by never focusing in on the main things. We're trying to do it all or at least a lot, we want our kids to do the same but we rarely do any of it well or in a way that we deeply enjoy what we're doing. Things blur together and we flit from one event to the next forgetting much of the time what those events were in the first place.  And the main thing or things get lost in the busyness.

Or we can wander by rarely planning for the future. We just take life as it comes, react more than initiate and never plan anything special with our spouse, family or good friends. We've never made a bucket list or talked with anyone about five things we'd love to do if we only had time. We don't dream big or pray to God for a vision down the road that only He could make happen.

Are you wandering?  Are you really just another Walter?  First be thankful that you're still able to decide, turn a corner in your life and try something new. Remember that you're not paralyzed.

But then hone in on a goal, a direction, a plan, a dream. Pray for God to give you and your family some direction, a purpose that will truly change your life. Remember the big problem with wandering . . . you never really get anywhere.

Five Things NOT To Teach Your Children About God

There are lots of great churches, Christian schools and books out there that can help us with the fundamentals of our faith that we need to teach and emphasize at home. Unfortunately, I've noticed a number of things that seem to be subtly or unintentionally passed on in our fellowships and families that are way off the mark.

Let me suggest five.

One, God's ultimate desire is to make us happy. Well, I'll be the first to admit that living for God does bring great happiness and blessing (Matthew 5 and the Beatitudes, for example) but that is not His main goal. He wants us to mature, to be strong in our faith and to ultimately do what glorifies Him. That's why He doesn't always take away the tough times or necessarily find us a parking place ahead of someone else.

Two, serving God gets us closer to Him and eventually more favor from Him. Yes, we are to commit ourselves to Him with all of our hearts, but our serving is to be a result of our love for Him, not to get that love. We can't get any closer or further from Him once we're His child.  Just because we're doing mission work, giving time every week at a soup kitchen or spending great amounts of money for the kingdom doesn't make us any more spiritual than the family in a third world country who loves Jesus but is just trying to stay alive every day.

Third, if we mess up enough, God will finally give up on us. I talk to people every week in my counseling office who feel that way.  They think that because of their mistakes, their spouse's leaving, their kids messing up or whatever, God has now passed on them in terms of using them for something that matters. But Psalm 57:2 reminds us that God will continue to fulfill His purpose for us.

Fourth, the more earthly success we have the more worthy and important we will be in His eyes and others eyes. So often our children who play in a sport or do an  activity almost every day of the year begin to think that their doing well in those events makes them extra special.  And while kids can learn a lot about themselves and life through sports, music and drama they're not better or worse as a person whether they participate or not.

Fifth, God is only about love or only about rules. God actually cares about both. He loves us unconditionally as no person can ever do. His love is greater than any sin, past or mistake.  However, He gives us rules to help us live well and avoid things or people that will eventually harm us.  Every wise parent will model having both love and healthy guidelines in their home.

So if you're teaching any of the above, stop and take inventory.  Begin to explain and model otherwise.  If your kids follow a God who really isn't the way you make him, it's going to be your fault. Don't live with that.

Learning In A Restaurant About Happiness

Have You Had a Rest Lately?

As I write this post I am just into my final two weeks of a nine-week sabbatical from my work as a pastor. Yes, nine weeks off to travel, relax, do nothing, read a book, spend time with my wife or whatever. I am very thankful that my church, Austin Christian Fellowship, makes that kind of break after seven years of service an option.

So as we head off to one more adventure in San Francisco and Yosemite National Park, I wanted to give you a few of the benefits of this time off that I know I must keep in my life in some form, even if I can't get nine weeks in a row very often.

You see we live in a driven culture. We all exist under the umbrella of expectations, potential and success. We want to have what everyone else has, we fear our kids will miss out on something they need for life and we're addicted to the rush of accomplishment. So we rarely slow down. Even our leisure is harried. Our vacations are even jam-packed with more to do, see and overcome.

Things that should be plain fun like watching our son or daughter play a game or star in a play are often simply opportunities for us to catch our breath or sneak in a short nap. We cram our exercise and meals into an already jampacked schedule. We take more to help us sleep than ever before and many of us are getting by on the bare minimums.

Time off, real time off, reminds you that you simply can't keep living that way and that there is another, better option.

First, time off or rest reminds us what is really important. There are a lot of things I have not done during this time that I usually do each day or week that I found I can live without. I also discovered some things that I was able to add to my life that I don't want to stop now.  I need to play more, keep exercise important but not rushed and spend more time just drinking coffee without a timetable. I have new goals regarding my wife and family that I haven't thought about lately.

Second, time off or rest give us perspective. Busyness keeps us from evaluating what we're doing and why. We may be accomplishing lots of good things but are they the best things, especially for us and our family.  It's too easy to wake up one day and realize that ten or twenty years went by and we just did the same things over and over and never thought about why.

Third, time off or rest help us focus better on our relationship with God. When we're too busy we can become too busy for God or we begin to think that He wants us in this ratrace too.  We start thinking that the more things we do for him earn us more points or favor when in reality He often just wants to be with us where we are.  He wants us to enjoy Him and Him us.

One day on the sabbatical I was in North Texas where the mornings are usually cool even in the summer. I got up early and went to get coffee for the adults and walked out the door into the pleasant temperatures.  As I drove to the coffee shop and back and enjoyed the crisp air I found myself worshipping God and thanking him for that moment.  I was just enjoying Him, His creation and my moment in it. I want and need more spaces like that and I would guess you do too.

And we won't get them if we don't slow down and really rest. We may have to do it in little moments much of the time but if those moments become normal we'll never go back to living without them.

Beware of Selling and Modeling Cheap Happiness

I was at a festival of sorts the other day, one of those gatherings in another state where people came from all over to hear a lot of bands, eat food, hang out, buy crafts . . . you know what I mean?  There were thousands of people there. And I was one of them.

And it was a fun night in many ways. There's nothing wrong with listening to some music, enjoying some not-so-healthy-food and seeing more than a few really weird people out in public now and then. There can be something uplifting and reenergizing when you go out and have some simple, uncomplicated fun.

But the problem is that for many of those people, at least I would guess, that evening was pretty much what they look forward to over and over. They will attend another gathering - a bar, a patio, a concert, a backyard - where they will do pretty much the same thing - talk about the same old topics, have a few drinks and burgers, sit and listen to the same old music, try to impress somebody with some accomplishment and go home.

That's what I mean by cheap happiness. We settle for the same old thrills that may make us a little happy for a while or perhaps just dull some other pain and we think that's all there is.  Watch college and university students out on the town and you'll see what I mean. And often we lead our spouse or kids into the same lifestyle and never introduce them or ourselves to something more, something better, something richer.

Let me suggest a couple of ideas to help you to get in touch with a few opporutunities that will more likely bring you joy and add something to your life that's actually worth doing over and over.

First, take a deeper dive into something.  If you like music, great, but become a student or expert or follower or healthy fanatic. Perhaps you like to hike, then go climb a big mountain. If you are fascinated with a country, learn the language some and take a trip there.  If you have a skill, talent or resource that could help others then start volunteering, giving and serving and bring your spouse or kids along to participate.

Second, add variety to your fun.  Don't keep doing the same things over and over.  Perhaps do more by going to less. We love to travel but can't afford to be going all the time.  So we plan some bigger trips that we can look forward to but that also add some special locations to our itinerary.  We've gone to Alaska, Switzerland, Austria, France, British Columbia, the Smokie Mountains and the like.  Next month we're off to Yosemite National Park and San Francisco.

We do go a few places on a more regular basis but we can't stand just doing the same thing.

Third, ask God to give you a mission or ministry. I've been to Russian fifteen times and have a heart for the people there that I never dreamed would happen years ago.  Others have local commitments to help feed the hungry, help the homeless, work with special needs kids and the like.  It doesn't matter as long as you become invested in it and use your gifts, talents and resources.  It's this kind of involvement that changes lives, including yours!

So, don't settle at your house for cheap opportunities to feel a little better doing the same things everyone else is doing.  Because if you do you will someday look back and wonder what you did with your time.  But if you try something new, meaningful and unique you will more likely wonder why you didn't start sooner.

"Gambling" At Home Rarely Works

I was behind a woman in line at a gas station/convenience store in Michigan the other day. And I couldn't help but notice that she spent sixty dollars on lottery tickets. I wondered if she gives up that kind of money every week or if she just felt lucky that day.

Either way, I know that the odds of her winning anything were infinitesimally small and that the significant portion of her money she was committing would likely be wasted.

Interestingly, it seems to me that there are a lot of things that we in our homes gamble on just as foolishly. 

We spend lots of resources - time, money, energy and emotion - hoping to get a  huge payday but unfortunately the odds are small. Let me suggest a few. 

We gamble that our kids will become a famous, successful superstar in something.  We secure the best coaches, send our kids off to other cities and/or follow them around the city or country hoping they will finally hit the big time.  And yes a small fraction make it and we see them on television. But the bigger percentage, like it is in gambling, never pay off. Is the gamble really worth it?

We gamble that as husband and wife we will love being with each other . . . AFTER our kids are grown. While the kids are in the house we might rarely date, work on our relationship or spend meaningful, intimate time together. Everything revolves around the kids. That is also a huge wager that rarely beats the house.

We also gamble that there will be time later to enjoy all the things we sacrificed while our family was growing. But sadly the numbers often work against us. A pastor we knew years ago worked hard and well at ministry and had planned to finally travel with his wife after he retired in his mid-60's. Sadly he died later during the year of his retirement. Gambling with death often won't beat the odds either.

We gamble that our kids will one day mature and be the kids we'd hoped they would be. In the meantime we can look the other way from bad behaviors, disrespectful attitudes and lazy habits. Providing our kids with purposeful lifechanging activities or involvement in a quality church youth program never becomes a priority.  As a result the odds increase that our kids will not grow in the ways we had dreamed they would.

You see the wise spouse and parent will not play the numbers for their future but simply do NOW those things that may not be available later when their bets are less likely to win. They work at as many of the best things they can in the present knowing that they all won't likely be there in the future. They don't let their hopes and dreams be relegated to the future only.

So don't make life at your house a poor bet. You can do better and win so much more by playing your relational chips today and tomorrow. God gave us the wisdom to do that now. Don't let the world's house win. Cash in today.