Don't Miss The Fine Print of Family Life

We closed on our Austin condo this week. We went through more challenges than we expected but we're thankful that its sale is finally behind us. However, to complete the process a notary had to be sent to our Illinois home to oversee our signing of the paperwork on our end.

Pretty soon we found ourselves putting our signature on document after document, only some of which I actually read. Frankly, I didn't read much of the small print. I probably should have examined every word though I'm pretty sure I got the gist of things and there's nothing I signed that could harm us later.

However, I wonder if a lot of spouses and parents miss the fine print about what they sign off on at home, forgetting the impact their choices and actions may have on their family.

For example, the fine print for families reads, If you don't build relationships it doesn't matter how much you have. 

Or other forms say something like, Your marriage will never work if you don't work at it yourself.

How about this one . . . . have you read it?  Your kids are not the center of the universe but it's easy to start sending the message that they are. Beware.

Here's another you don't want to miss:  If you run at high speed all the time and never slow down your family may self-destruct.

Or . . . You are signing up for a lifetime relationship with your spouse. This marriage is not supposed to have an expiration date.

One more for now . . . Children are people with feelings, potential, uniqueness and intellect. Treat them as human beings even when you are mad.

Yes, when it comes to families the small print matters. Take some time this week to read it all. The little things count too.

When It Comes To Busyness Geography Changes Nothing

As I mentioned in a recent post we just moved . . . from a large major city in Texas to a small county seat in central Illinois. Of course there are lots of differences between the two. Some would like one more than the other. We are particularly enjoying this new chapter in a smaller town again. But to each his own.

However, I noticed one thing that apparently doesn't change. People here are just as driven, stressed-out and exhausted as they were in a bigger city. Many still live life around the hectic schedules of their children, rarely miss a special event and believe that this kind of life is what life must and should be.

They have few commitments to anybody or anything outside of their own home. Many have few deep relationships, give their faith a nod now and then for good measure and spend hundreds of hour outside and inside watching their kids play games that they will quit once they leave school and their home.

Of course there are exceptions everywhere too and I have great respect for those who are willing to swim against the current of their culture. Why?  Because I know they are going to benefit from their willingness to slow down. How? Let me mention a few ways.

First, their relationships with one another and others will be significantly deeper. They will talk more, enjoy each other more and stop long enough to see the little miracles of nature and life all around them. They won't be as likely to get into heavy debt and will have a better chance to have well adjusted and less entitled kids.

Second, their faith will be more real and vibrant. Church, Bible study and personal time with God won't be a mere add-on or obligation. They will not only give more but will get more because they will have the freedom to also live out their Christianity by serving.

Third, they will be healthier. I'm not a doctor but research will back me up on the fact that more stress is more taxing on the body, soul and spirit. So when will you break the cycle?  Are you willing to swim upstream, slow down your life and get some of the many benefits of a life less-driven?

It won't happen unless you are intentional now about making some major changes in your lifestyle.  Your kids will have to be a part of it but they will notice the good difference too. Go for it. Don't be like anybody else now and you won't have to live like anybody else later.

It's Just Stuff: Teach This Truth Well

A couple of years ago we moved from Texas to Illinois. It wasn't a short distance or a journey without emotion. Moving is rarely easy though home is where you live at any given time. Nonetheless, at our age, it was still a challenge though we were thankful for our new ministry opportunity. And we're actually moving again in the next few months.

However, one thing surprised both Jackie and me the last time. We were shocked at how much stuff we still had after eight years in a condo. We downsized before we went to Texas so we thought we had toed the line on accumulation and we probably were pretty frugal. But we still had a lot of stuff.  Maybe 120 boxes plus beds, dressers and all sorts of other odds and ends.

Where does it come from?  I guess that depends upon the person or family.  The common denominator?  We all have a lot of it.

Why? Well first of all, we don't throw much away.  So many things seem sacred and sentimental and they just aren't. But we think we might need that or want to look at it again. We have some sort of fear that we might lose something valuable, essential for living.

Second, we tend to think our stuff makes us better or more important. Having the bigger house, boat, fancy clothes and all the rest is often a rite of passage for young couples. But it's all more stuff, much of which we don't need but we think it makes us more important.

Third, we like extra. It just feels good to have more than one or two of most everything. And there's nothing wrong with that and planning ahead for hard times. But most of the world doesn't have extra. And we don't always need it either.

You see, it's important that as parents, spouses and even friends we remind each other that we only need so much. We must learn and teach the importance of having enough and getting excited about giving things away.

Like the name of the old movie, we need to focus on The Right Stuff. And that is way more than more things to move the next time.

The Potential Dangers In Simple Answers

Whenever there is a crisis or major problem people usually want to find out just one thing: what is the answer that will fix it? And sometimes there is a basic cause that is worth a look and can provide significant relief, healing or change.

But more often than not, the simple, singular answer is not the only answer. A child is doing poorly in school, the crops need rain, a friend's cancer showed up again or our marriage is staggering. Chances are the solutions for solving the problem or the reasons that started it are complex.

Unfortunately many well meaning people including leaders, parents, pastors, authors, counselors and friends are unwilling to walk people through the messiness of multiple facets of a problem. And sadly they miss out on learning to also trust in a God who Isaiah says has ways that are "higher than our ways."

Where does some of this over-simplification often show itself in our culture?

With our children. Ryan's struggling emotionally at age twelve and his parents are having trouble with him at home. Several simple answers will likely be suggested to the parents from others or in their own minds. It's Ryan's diet, it's hormones, it's the parents recent marriage challenges, it's a spiritual rebellion or it's even the demon of rebellion. (I personally don't think there is such a demon by the way though I believe in demons.)  Could part of the solution be in that list?  Of course. But it's unlikely the only answer. There may be several important factors at work.

With national and local disasters. When tornadoes, floods, earthquakes and hurricanes hit the "experts" will often claim it's because God is punishing the people for disobedience, we're in the End Times or it's a sign of things to come. Maybe. But could it be that God can do all of that and more during the disaster and even accomplish his chastising without one? Is it possible that God wants to teach us something about trusting Him even when things don't go our way? Could it be that natural disaster happened because, well, . . . it's natural?

With our theology. Someone isn't healed. Some will argue they didn't have enough faith. That's it. Or no one claimed the promise or said just the right words. The church isn't growing because they don't use the right translation or don't teach the Bible verse by verse or they quit singing the "right" music. There must be one answer that will explain everything. At least that's what many hope (and I have too) but it's rarely the case.

With our other personal struggles. We lost our job, our marriage is on the rocks, our adult child has wandered from the faith, our health never seems to quite return to normal.  "Aah," we or others say. "There must be some hidden sin," or "God is punishing me for what happened last year," or "If we just went on that diet things will change."  Should we consider those avenues sometimes?  Of course, if wisdom dictates it or God leads us that way.

But there are dangers in always wanting or expecting the easy answer. First, we can miss God. We can miss out on his love, care and patience through the struggle.  We can miss learning to trust Him even when we don't understand. And we can miss loving one another through the fog and mystery.

Second, we can become mean-spirited. We don't intend to but because we believe in the ONE answer we tend to tell people they had better get with the program and start doing what they need to do. And we miss just loving them, listening to them and trying to understand their feelings and confusion. We become as I Corinthians 13 says a "noisy cymbal" rather than a chime of love. I wonder if sometimes God doesn't hold off on making things better to see if we His children will be present for a time with those who are hurting and actually live out our faith in powerful ways.

Third, we ultimately teach a lie, the lie being that everything God does or we experience can be explained by one simple action or result. Not true. God has plans that go beyond us and our world. God's only goal is not to make us happy. It's to glorify Himself and sometimes that makes us happy and sometimes it does not. God is coordinating myriad plans in the world and universe that we could never understand or grasp in this life. We must accept that.

So, in your home, learn to become more comfortable with the complicated, the complex and the multiple answers that may be needed to solve  your dilemma or at least help you live with it. And I'm pretty sure that if we're willing to look beyond the simple we will see some things that God intended for us to see that show just how great He is and how much we need Him.

Why Your Kids' Teachers Are Heroes . . . At Least Most of Them

Recently we took three of our grandsons to one of their favorite science museums. But as we drove into the parking lot we saw bus after bus parked end to end and knew that meant one thing . . . school field trips and lots of them. Kids would be everywhere.

Sure enough there were lots of elementary and middle school students walking through the exhibits with their teachers herding, guiding and cajoling as kids that age do what they do. And I was reminded that these teachers do this every day and it is not easy.

Are there crummy, incompetent teachers out there? Of course. I have had some here and there from elementary to graduate school. But there are way more who in their own way are stellar making a difference in our lives and the lives of our children.

Sure there are lousy teachers just like there are lousy employees in most professions. No teacher is perfect either. It irritates me, having been a teacher of all kinds much of my life, when parents have to have a certain special teacher and obnoxiously demand their kids have only "the best." The best ones aren't only those who turn our kids into academic superstars, however. In fact if that's all they do they aren't necessarily the best.

Let me suggest what a great teacher is and does:

Great teachers love and respect our kids as individuals. They don't expect everyone in their class to look, perform or respond the same. They get excited when a child has a unique talent and then they get to help them develop it. They care about the brightest and those more average. Each one matters to great teachers.

Great teachers see potential and they don't give up. My tenth and eleventh grade English teacher was the toughest in the school. And during my sophomore year I hoped to God that I would only have her one year. Not to be. She was my guide for half of my high school education. But Mrs. G never quit on me and plowed the foundation for me to learn and love writing like I do today. There must have been days when she thought there was no hope for me but she looked ahead not back.

Great teachers build relationships along with enforcing their rules. Classes need structure and students will require discipline. But every kid needs someone who knows and cares about them. How many young people have no parent that cares and no one to simply listen to them? Teachers can help fill the gap and provide some needed affirmation missing from home. Not every child will let them get close but they try anyway.

So as the school year begins again, how about praying now for your kids' teachers and thanking God together for them. Many families of course will never thank these heroes personally or will wait twenty years to realize how important they were to them. Your words of appreciation during the year will also mean more to them than you can know and you will remind those special leaders that their passion for teaching really has been worth it.

Sometimes The Big Things Are In The Little Ones

Big events and accomplishments always seem to get more attention, don't they?  Eighty-thousand people in a stadium always feels more exciting than eight hundred. An ad campaign that touches millions is usually view as better than one that impacts a few hundred.

Even service projects are deemed more worthwhile when we know that many, many people were helped versus just a few. And there is something to say for using our resources of time, talent and energy so that the greatest results can be achieved.

However, there are times when it seems like we've forgotten the potential impact of the one or two people we or our family might touch. When we help a neighbor or friend, assist one homeless person or volunteer for one morning God can use us to make a huge difference. At the moment, not necessarily. 

But as we do our share along with hundreds or even thousands of others BIG things can happen. Too many churches, non-profits and even individuals seem to think that success is only measured by the ton or at least the giant size version of congregation, money raising or community impact.

You hear it all the time . . . ."Yes, we're believing that ________________ people or churches or groups (or whatever) will be changed or take part or raise so many dollars or grow to a certain size."  And we should be thankful when hard work, prayer and commitment do result in important and significant outcomes.

But let's never miss the power of doing something small now for a greater result later and in tandem with others engaged in the same.

What might that mean in the everyday?  First, we will enjoy the little "wins" and blessings we see in our churches. We'll be thankful for the one or two new people who came, the one marriage that was saved and the few students who joined the youth group this last month.

Second, we'll be even more intentional about helping just one or two people each day. We'll look for those small opportunities to help a neighbor, friend or someone we just meet during the day.  We'll relish that we had that one God-moment to make this small difference in someone's life believing that God can use it for a far greater good.

Third, we'll teach our kids and model for each other an attitude of serving and giving that has no minimum on how much we accomplish. Caring and serving will simply become more of the norm at our house.

You see BIG things don't necessarily happen in big ways. They happen more often because people with just a little resource give it away believing something big will occur anyway.

Really Living? Most of Us Miss It

When is the last time you felt really alive? In fact, when is the last time you noticed something more than the fact that you were just existing? I would suggest that most of us miss the opportunity most of the time.

Why? Well, it's not because we're not breathing or our heart is not beating.

It's just that there's not that much we enjoy that takes our breath away or causes our heart to skip a beat. Of course there are lots of opportunities. We are usually just too busy doing the everyday and the mundane to truly engage with the spark in every one of us known as life.

I know it's not fun to be out of breath or to have a racing heart but we would at least notice our body functioning in some unique way and be reminded that we are not dead. In fact, noticing would be hard to avoid.

You see we need something that jolts us out of our cruise-controlled life and reminds us that the life within us is truly special, unique and ultimately amazing. Pain works. So does shock or tragedy or some other sudden interruption of our normalcy.

But there are other and better ways to be reminded of and enjoy life without the negative prompts. We might also want to engage in them more and even give our family members similar opportunities on a more regular basis.

Slow down. Instead of driving the fast way home, take the long way. Turn the radio off. Walk instead of drive. Skip an evening responsibility and stay home. Simplify your days even a little. I hear of more and more people these days who are downsizing. They have realized they don't need it all. Neither do you.

Do what you were meant to do as much as what you have to do. Some things in life are boring and required. Everything doesn't have to be fun nor can it be. But somewhere in our week, month and year we need to engage in what we naturally do and love. Use those skills to serve others and pay it forward. Find a ministry that gives you the opportunity to do what you can't live without and you'll feel alive most very time.

How do you know what that is?  I don't have an easy answer other than you'll know. You will do it with very little effort, the time will fly and it will probably involve other people.

Spend more time with the people you love and just enjoy watching them live, breathe and move. Become amazed at their talent, artistry, uniqueness and abandon. Sing, dance and enjoy with them if you can. And don't rush whatever you are doing. Let it simmer. Embrace the moments more.

Little children are a great place to start. So are seniors or those with special needs. Just start looking and you'll see what you need to see.

Pray for wisdom to keep learning where life will show up for you. Feeling alive isn't a one-time thing. Once you get a taste you will want more but you will have to fight off the inertia that will try to keep you from more and returning to the sameness of life beforehand. Don't give in.

Everyday those lifegiving opportunities are everywhere. We don't need to hunt for them. They will find us if we let them and we'll never be the same.