Marriage: The Important Three Circles of Connecting

If you were to ask most married couples how and when they spend time with each other (if they do) they would likely tell you about an activity or meeting together that falls into one of three options. Some would say, Well, we connect and communicate as we go through our day - phone calls, texts, little conversations here and there.

Others would say that they plan periodic meals out, parts of a day together, an evening alone at home here and there. Unfortunately most couples these days admit that these times are just that - periodic - and they wish they did them more often but they just don't make or have the time.

Or a few, and this number is usually less than the other two choices, say that once or twice a year they actually get away from home, go on a couples' trip, tack on some days after a conference or business trip or celebrate a special anniversary, birthday, etc. with just the two of them.

What I'd like to suggest is that healthy marriages intentionally include all three.  Why do we need the Trifecta of Connection?  Because they each  accomplish something unique and just doing one or two of the others will still omit some key ingredients in marriage that are important to the solid marriage recipe.

For example, the getaways are times when you can finally let go of some of the pressures of everyday life, think more long-term and actually do some serious brainstorming, planning and yes, praying. Companies make time for this and so do many growing churches. Why not couples and families? Longer periods of time also help us relax and enjoy each other in ways that we just don't when we're time strapped.

But those meals, afternoons, days together, etc. are also important. They're the fertile soil for you to talk about current feelings, challenges, dreams and potential changes. These times let the other person know that they're not just a passing ship in the night or merely one of the supervisory team at home. These moments continue to cement the idea in each other that you really do still matter even when life gets crazy.  Leaving these regular events out will cause serious questions to arise in each other about how important you are in the big picture.

And of course, the daily, quick connections are important and usually not a problem for most couples. But they take on a little less challenge and urgency when you and your spouse are connecting in the two other ways as well.

I encourage couples to think of three circles of connecting.and to include all three as priorities.

                                       Big Events/Getaways      Regular         Every Day


Of course the every day circle should include the most connections. The regular events need to be well . . .   regular, ideally at times that you guard carefully.  And finally, the big events will only happen on a very limited basis. But they complement each other and will all add communicating and connecting to your marriage that will be life giving to your relationship for years to come! What area do you need to shore up next?

Who's Getting Your Time and Why They Need It in 2016

A young boy was waiting at the door when his weary father came home. "Dad," he said, "how much do you make an hour?" "That's none of your business, son," the father responded obviously irritated.

"But dad," the son replied, "I really need to know, really!"

"Okay, I make about $30 an hour. Are you happy? You just wanted to know so you could go and buy some toy or video game. So go to your room and think about how selfish you are."

The boy leaves, his shoulders slouched, his head down. Before too long the father began to feel a little guilty about his sharp reply so he headed up to the boy's room with a ten-dollar bill in his hand.  "Son, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have responded the way I did. Here's the ten dollars."

The son's eyes lit up and he said excitedly, "Thanks, Dad!"  He then proceeded to pull a wad of bills from under his pillow and added the ten dollars to it. Then he said, "Dad, now I have $30. Can I buy an hour of your time?"

Sometimes those close to us are longing for the same thing. Just an hour or so of our precious, focused, non-distracted time. Yes, we've perhaps been around our kids but have we been with them?

We get busy, distracted, focused on other things and maybe other people. But we cannot continue to give them our leftovers.

Culture will only get more complicated and faster this year. We can't wait for it to change. We must change. The time we have with those we love can end in a moment or at least feel like one. The country western song says it so well, You're Gonna Miss This. Yes, someday soon we're going to miss those little bodies running around that we would love to slow down, those hugs we get when we come home yet wish for some quiet and the conversations we might wish would end sooner.

So give the people you love your focused time now. And give less to those who are merely takers and aren't a part of your most important connections. Embrace your moments for what they are not for what you wish they would be. And make it rich time as well as extended time. Most children and teens need both quantity and quality.

Who needs your time and might want to buy an hour of it?  Give it to them soon - for free!

What About The Night(s) After Christmas?

It's always amazing, isn't it, how long we anticipate the arrival of Christmas Day and yet how quickly it's here and gone. The gifts have been opened, the relatives are back home and the lights and decoration seem to have lost their luster. We're now ready for it all to be put away. Even some post-Christmas shopping isn't quite as fun or exciting.

Maybe that's why we try to crank ourselves up again for New Year's with all of its hopefulness, optimism and accompanying celebration.

But I wonder if we don't give what took place during the Christmas season enough credit and too easily lay aside its challenges, inspiration and impetus for real change and new direction. Rather than hope that some less than helpful New Year's resolutions will turn our lives around, we could still consider some of the good things that remain from Christmas.

For example, don't forget the family times. Hopefully this season you slowed down here and there, took a moment or two, even part of a day, to just enjoy each other without a clock, agenda, deadline or trip in the car. You laughed, told stories and played. Why can't there be more of that the rest of the year? There can. Figure out one or two ways you can allow that kind of time back into your home.

Or, embrace more of the important things all year:  Jesus, salvation, loving others, giving to those with needs and hope. So often these profound, life-changing, long-lasting truths and concepts get lost in our penchant for hurrying and accomplishing. We may care about our faith but so often we don't practically live it. What if this year we all were much more intentional about the things that mattered most, like those we were reminded of and even did again this year?

And don't lose the power of a gift. No, I'm not talking about going into debt for a bunch of things that will be forgotten or put away within days or weeks or gifts given just because that's what everyone does in the family and they're expected.

No, remember more what you felt when you received that unexpected or handmade or especially meaningful gift that clearly had a message of love and care behind it. We can give those gifts the rest of the year too. They may not even be wrapped up but they come in the form of a kind word, a thank you, a gesture that says I'm still thinking about you. They can be tangible too like a note, flower or some other especially loved item that says to someone that they still matter to you.

While the night before Christmas almost always exudes anticipation and delight, the nights (and days) after will tell us if Christmas was really the time of peace and joy it was intended to be. Let your Christmas last this year. It's really up to you.

Three Things Not To Skip This Christmas At Your House

I'll bet there are a few things you might like to leave out of your holidays this season though that may not be possible: your weird Uncle Mel's sense of humor, grandma's fruitcake, the credit card bill coming in January or figuring out whose house you'll be at and when.

And of course there are the things most families never want to lose even though they may at some point: unique traditions, opening gifts together, putting up decorations (okay most guys are thinking differently here) and lots of food.

But there are a few important elements that can get lost if we're not careful. They're not terribly involved, don't require much expense and families are usually surprised at the potential reactions they get from family members. However, the busyness of the season that we often let steal our time can keep these things as a footnote at best if present at all.

The first?  Don't skip the real Christmas story. You know the one about Jesus for whom the holiday is named. Telling it doesn't require a boring reading, however. You can act it out, have a fun discussion sometime after one of your services or read it in a new version. Every idea obviously is dependent on the ages of the children involved.

But don't think that just because it was covered in church that you've done enough. Often the church presentations get lost too in the bigness, tradition and excitement of the event. You might consider just reviewing it with each child as you tuck them in one night.

Second? Don't skip serving someone else. If Christmas is about gifts then it makes sense to bless someone else outside of our family who might not have much to get or give. Find a family or organization and build a relationship with them that you cultivate all year with the holidays just being the culmination of the past year of helping them.

So often our kids think Christmas is ultimately about them. Why?  Because we teach them that when we make gift getting the focus. Let your kids be a part of selecting who you'll help and serve and if they're old enough do some of the leg work. It will be fun and give Christmas a whole new perspective.

Finally, don't skip the thank you's.  Of course thank God that you made it together through another year. Perhaps you even went through some big challenges or losses. Even so, thank Him for walking you through and being there when you needed Him.

Also, thank the people you love and those who've blessed you in some way. They don't each need a gift other than your words of appreciation. There are scores of people in your world who would love to simply know what they did for you mattered and was noticed.

Say it, write a note, take someone out for a cup of coffee. Say thanks and "I love you" to those you are closest too. Whatever you do, don't assume that you've said it enough. You haven't most likely.

So have a great Christmas, but make it extra special by adding some things this year that might change everything and everyone - including you! Merry Christmas.

Five Essential Things To Ramp Up At Home Next Year

Okay so very few of us ever follows through on a New Year's resolution. But maybe if we put our minds to it we could actually make a change or two over the long haul. Let me actually suggest five areas to work on to take your home to a higher plane this year.

First, spend more time with your spouse. The number one reason couples struggle is because they don't act like friends much anymore. And remember when you were dating you had little trouble spend huge amounts of time together. While you were busy very little got in the way of your time together. That has likely changed big time. Make time again for each other.

Second, make more memories that involve your whole family. Make spending time doing fun,  unique and even giving things that you do together. We spend way too much time in the car and in the stands merely watching each other but not engaged with one another. There are lots of possibilities out there that you've never considered.

Plan some special events and try not to make them all activity or entertainment oriented.

Third, teach your kids skills they will need in the future. Do they know how to do the laundry, iron clothes, organize their lives and balance a bank account (check book for some)?  Many do not know these basics and enter marriage without these and other fundamental skills that would benefit them in major ways once they are out on their own. Add your own additional items, especially ones that you are particularly good at.

Fourth, go back and review some of your family highlights. This could be easily done by going back and looking at old photos or videos. Most of us have countless pics somewhere that we haven't seen again ever or at least for a long time. You'll have some laughs and enjoy some wonderful memories that you don't want to lose.

Finally, go serve someone else. Find a shelter, nursing home, neighbor in need or whoever where  you could serve not just once but all year long. Figure out where you could build some relationships with people you don't know but will get to know over time. Your family will never be the same and you'll add a memory and experience.

So don't make resolutions but consider starting some new ways of living that aren't that hard but will likely last you far longer than your last promise to lose weight, exercise more or save money. And the investment will even have eternal dividends. Enjoy.

One of The Best Habits We Ever Put In Our Marriage

Most couples over time develop certain habits whether they like it or not. Some are helpful and enriching to their marriage, others annoying and some even destructive. Often most of their habits aren't even planned, they just happen.

Jackie and I have had our share in the above lists but there is one that I am thankful we were very intentional about from the very beginning of our marriage until today. No, we've not done it perfectly and there have been periods where it pretty much vanished for a time but its importance and pull have always brought us back to it.

I am confident that it has enhanced our communication, intimacy, planning for the future and ability to simply rest and enjoy some Sabbath in our busy weeks.

Our habit? We've made extended, focused time for each other. We have committed to a day, morning, evening or a combination where we put aside our regular schedule, plan something fun, go out to eat perhaps along the way and explore new places together. We usually have some sort of goal but the time is not typically programmed and we can always change things up last minute.

Sometimes the weather alters our course or we're just too tired. That's okay. We have enough margin during that time to not get flustered because our original plan didn't work out. We don't always go somewhere either. Sometimes we stay home, read, relax and watch movies or television that we didn't get to see earlier.

We try not to let other outside influences steal our time away either. We limit phone calls (I'm a pastor so sometimes there are emergencies), online efforts, housework and errands. We try to make sure we have time to talk, leaving room for heavier issues but not limiting ourselves to that. We laugh a lot and talk about non-work, non-people things rather than ministry.

And there is something about having a day that we know is out there waiting for us that makes challenging times a bit more tolerable.  We know that a reprieve is coming so we can take a little more pressure for a time if need be. And even if our getaway time gets robbed because of events we can't control it is so ingrained in us we gravitate to it immediately the next week.

I fear that many, if not most couples, in this 21st century, have relegated time for each other to we'll-do-that-when-we-get-time or once-the-kids-are-grown or some other fantasy-laden hope that will never happen. It's not that you can't afford to take time for each other. You can't afford NOT to have it. You'll have to make it happen even if it means letting go of something else.

Marriages don't deteriorate for no reason. They fail because we don't give them time, priority and intentionality. So don't wait!  Start somewhere. Maybe you can't give a whole day yet. Then find a couple of hours or a morning for starters.  But write it on your calendar.  Let you kids know you are working more at being together. You'll be modeling something for them to take into their marriage.

I'm pretty sure it will be a habit you're glad you started.  Try it.

When Selfish Isn't Sinful

Anna is a mom of two normal, healthy, fun-loving, busy kids. She and her husband Al do quite well at sharing the responsibilities of providing, taxiing, feeding and who knows what else that children and family need every day.

But the end of each day arrives and they usually have just enough energy to plop in front of the television for thirty minutes and even then one of them is usually nodding off before the program ends. They look forward to weekends but there are games, church and special events to attend and participate in that seem to never end.

They both long for some time together, even a little alone time when their tanks aren't empty. They know that parenting and marriage both require sacrifice and often feel guilty for wanting more. Their parents sacrificed for them. Shouldn't they do the same for their kids? They know that someday when the kids are older they'll be able to focus on each other and maybe even start a new job or hobby that just has to wait for now.

Sound like you? Struggle with the same feelings? Wondering when you're going to get a break? Is being a little selfish, getting some time for yourself or your marriage always in your mind selfish and about ME?

I don't think so. And apparently Jesus didn't either. He took time to be alone, to walk, to rest his physical body (of course He was God otherwise).  He wasn't always with people, there for everyone and meeting needs 24/7.

There are some reasons why we too need to follow His example.

First, if we have little in our tank emotionally then we'll have little left for others. We'll get angry more, skim on the most important things and not give our kids and spouses our best.

Second, we'll be more likely to do something we would never do otherwise. We'll blow up at a coworker, have an affair, emotional or otherwise, or make a stupid decision. We're hurting, empty and longing for a little relief and sometimes we'll do anything for a cup of cold water in the desert.

Third, we need to be reminded of our limits. No one can be there for everyone. There is only so much time in our day, so many emotions in our reserve, so much energy in these bodies we have.

So what do we do?

Accept that you are not being selfish when you add rest and refreshing to your life, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Second, incorporate some you time into your day. It may start with only a few minutes but start somewhere. Try a walk, find time to think, read, meditate, pray, just unwind. If you're married include some regular time with your spouse. Require your kids to give you that time if they are old enough (and most are if you work at it with them).

Third, make slowing down more of a priority in your family. No, we don't need to do all the things everyone else is doing. No, we don't need to be in all the clubs, sports and special programs that the neighborhood crowd has embraced. There are more important things. Focus on those.

When you start re-filling your reservoir you'll discover you actually have more to give and enjoy. And by the way, that's how God intended us to live in the first place.